Asthma Support Group

This is something I wrote one day as my frustrations with asthma finally came out. This stlll stands very true today, more so I think. Anyway I thought I would share it. I am a paramedic on the ambulance so I have the luxury, if you want to call it that to check my O2 levels regularly as well as my carbon dioxide levels (capnography) which is refrenced in here, just wanted to clarify how I manage that. By the way if that is something ya'll want to also keep track of to assist your docs on how you are doing, you can run by a fire station or ems office and ask them to check it and why. They will be happy to do it.

People just don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to catch your breath. You always get the same thing, your lungs sound good I don’t know why you say you can’t breathe, you sound great, your oxygen levels are good, why are you here? You sit there and try to explain that you’re hurting and that you can’t get a deep breath but it doesn’t do any good because they just look at you like your nuts. Meanwhile you’re sitting there turning blue and wanting to pass out, so dizzy even your thoughts are circling around inside your head.

Is it my fault I’m not normal? Mabye to an extent it is. All you do is sit there and plead for help and little comes, what does come doesn’t help much if any. You sit there and all you want is some oxygen. Gasp, wheeze, cough, spit. That’s the normal life. Try to walk through Wal Mart and you need to be intubated by the time you make it up to the front door from the parking lot.

This is the normal life for me and my asthma. I figure one day I’ll pass out or something then people will hopefully understand what I have been trying to explain to them for years. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of my life like this; after all I have too much going on in my life anyway without adding anything to it.

As I sit I ponder the importance of even just one breath. The rhythmic pattern of the breath. In through the nasal and oral airways, down into the bronchus, then a detour in the road and finally into the lungs. Down into the bronchioles and finally into the alveoli, then exhale it back out into the world after the blood circulates through it and performs its vital roles. I wish my lungs worked like that. Most of the time my air gets caught in the alveoli and can’t come out because my bronchioles want to swell and ooze mucous.

I sit at work and watch my oxygen levels drop on a regular basis I have learned to distinguish between standing up to fast dizziness and oxygen depletion dizziness. What else is left to do, just sit and wait, and wait, and wait. One thing I look forward to in death is the ability to breath, unhindered. What bliss that will be like again.

This is hand of cards that I was dealt by a power higher than mine. I get irritated at times so bad all I want to do is to cry, but its not worth the consequences. All that I have left to do is to leave it in His hands, because He knows what he is doing better than I do.
Posted on 09/06/09, 02:41 pm