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Discussion:
Sexless marriage. Help
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I have been married to a man with asperger's for nearly 23 years. It hasn't been easy and I've made sacrifices a long the way as you do in any marriage. As we all know an asperger's marriage has additional challenges.

Our sex life was strange. He had all these rules but I loved him and I complyed. Now he has decided he doesn't want sex anymore. Period. He think's that it would be really cool if I slept with other women and told him about it.!!! I even have permission to sleep with other men.This is something out of a weird soap opera.

He won't really talk to me about this and I am finding it intensely painful. The rejection alone is awful and I can't seem to make him understand how really hurt I am.

Could someone with aspergers please help me navigate this. I'm trying very hard to understand. I would appreciate any insight.
Posted on 03/27/10, 10:39 am
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Email me when others reply to this topic help
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Reply #1 - 03/27/10  10:48am
" Why on Earth would you want someone with Asperger's to help you navigate this? Aspies (no offense aspie friends!) are terrible at knowing how to handle such complex and emotionally charged social interactions. Why not post this on the Healthy Relationships page? "
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Reply #2 - 03/27/10  11:23am
" Dear Wendyhi,

Thank you for your reply. I guess I am just looking for answers I'll never have. I don't understand this outlandish behavior any more and I'm at my "last straw." I will take your advice.
Many thanks. "
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Reply #3 - 03/27/10  7:53pm
" cd100:

Your husband probably knows that you are in pain, and might have made those suggestions because he was trying to think about how to make you feel better. I am sure your situation can be made better, but you'll have to work on figuring out what to ask for rather than thinking that your husband will be able to come up with any answers.

In my family and marriage, I have learned that I have to ask directly for what I want, i.e. 'please give me a book or some earrings for Mother's Day, not motor oil or Swiffer attachments. Please don't give me Hallmark cards for occasions if you haven't read the message inside.' etc.

There's a book on the subject "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome", by Maxine C.Aston, put out by the Autism Asperger publishing co which might be a good place to start. Also Tony Atwood's books. "
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Reply #4 - 03/27/10  7:54pm
" Sorry, it's Attwood - wish there was an edit function here. "
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Reply #5 - 03/28/10  11:31am
" Sorry you feel pain. Maybe he's can't get it up anymore, and doesn't want to feel inferior, which would be a man, not an aspie issue. "
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Reply #6 - 04/11/10  6:16pm
" I'm an Aspie who was married for 20 years (divorced now). My wife and I didn't communicate that well because as an emotionally repressed Aspie, communicating feelings is extremely difficult (if not impossible). At 61, I only recently understood what the problem was so it was a very stressful 20 years for both of us. At some point I just lost interest in having sex. I thought it was some kind of Erectile Dysfunction. Only after the divorce did I realize it was NOT. I simply lost interest in having sex with HER...for no rational reason. I didn't want to talk about it - that's just the way it was. Given my particular Aspie symptoms, I was not sensitive to her feelings. I wanted to care, but I couldn't...

As you may know AS does not respond to therapy because it's not learned behavior, it's a brain problem. In my case, coping behavior got me through most social situations but it didn't help me cope with this.

I guess this isn't really advice, just another Aspie telling his story... "
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Reply #7 - 04/12/10  2:48pm
" I'm 49, and married for the second time, now for over fourteen years.

I personally don't think this is an Asperger's issue at all, though his Asperger tendencies are surely part of how he's choosing to handle things (in a way - it's inevitable).

I strongly doubt though, that the sexual aspects of what he's suggesting as "solutions" to your situation have anything whatsoever to do with Aspergers.

I think they are totally unrelated and very likely coming from separate issues.

He's obviously NOT asexual, or he wouldn't be telling you to go ahead and do stuff like that, and then TELL him about it. If he were truly asexual, he would be telling you to take care of business however you like, and wouldn't be interested much in how you do it, or want to hear about it.

He obviously wants to experience sex vicariously through you, and that's got nothing at all to do with AS.

I wish I could tell you what, but I can't. Something else is clearly going on with him. He's got issues that I think are better asked about in a sex related forum. It wouldn't hurt to mention Aspgers though, since it probably does affect how he handles things. It's just not causal IMO. "
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Reply #8 - 04/12/10  11:37pm
" Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Since my posting my husband and I have separated. I'm sad at the loss of what could have been but I'm exhausted from swimming up stream.

I know that I am in shock but It is so wonderful not to have to walk around on egg shells all the time. I look forward to rediscovering myself.

Thank you for all of your support. "
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Reply #9 - 05/23/10  10:43pm
" Hi CD100,

I've been in a sexless relationship with an Aspie for 11 years now. First, you have to realise that it's not you and that even if you gave in to his "strange" request...soon these too would change. When I first met my partner, he couldn't have sex with music...too distracting...then it was time of day....then it was this and that...I just want you to know that it's not you. You have to be strong and honest with yourself and your partner. Just because he/she has Aspergers doesn't mean they can discount your fellings. Even after the conversation, the sex won't happen but maybe the recognition of your fellings and emotional support from your parner will be enough. My partner and I haven't had sex in 6 years and as a healthy 32 y.o male...to know that I will never have sex again inside the boundries of my relationship..hurts in a way that takes me to a place I can't discuss...but at the same time..my partner will say at times I understand you are hurting and I thank you and I love you...and believe it or not it's better than any orgasm I've ever experienced...I just want you to be ok with the reality that it's not you and you are being a great wife by caring and being concerned. Having Aspergers isn't a free ride to discount your spouse's physical and emotional needs...I wish you well "
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Reply #10 - 07/05/10  7:03pm
" It may not be an Aspie thing as well. I have a normal, healthy libido and have always enjoyed sex. It could be something completely different with your now-ex. "

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