Asperger Syndrome Support Group

WOW i think we have the same child!! My 9yo has aspergers and severs ADHD as well and we also have there 3 different personalities. They sound just like yours. I have notice da pattern with our son it seems as if we get the calm well adjusted child when he is on his meds and we get the
extra hyper child in the am and when we dont give meds for the day. And we get extra sensitive when he is overwhelmed and tired.

Unforttunatly i have no good advice i am always in a state of trying to do what is best for him and I dont think I ever do. It is really hard to figure things out.

Jennifer

I understand of what you speak, and I can see how from the outside it can be seen as distinct personalities, but it, assuredly is not, just perhaps extremes of the same personality set off by perhaps specific things. Since you mentioned three distinct behavior patterns, let's look at his personality as being a triangle. the center is obviously the most balanced; however there are these three extreme points of the same triangle that are further from the center than any other point, more extreme, but they are still part of the same triangle. I agree with sent in the other thread regarding this topic. good info there. Plus, trying to fix us, unless it is wanted, will be met with resistance and cause more trouble than just letting us be (not all the time, but it could happen)

OK I am Aspie, BPI, ADHD, OCD, GAD,Arnold Chiari Brain Malformation and psychological problems. I have seen Psychiatrists, Psychoanalysts, Cognitive Therapists, Neurologists and have been labelled and tagged with 15 differeent psychiatric, pyschological, personality and neuroligical differences.

I was diagnosed at 50. Prior to this I ran my own business, was an accountant, and practised as a Commercial Lawyer/Attorney for 16 years.

So I cross over so many diferent differences and no one discipline can assess me.

My son is also like me Dyspraxic, Dyslexic, Dysgraphiac, Aspie, ADHD, but not BP yet. I love, like, admire and care for him more than life itself.

so... what you're saying is your personality is more like a buckyball than a triangle? ;-)

So help us non apsies....have a grandson who is albino and aspie..he can be charming and managing all well but then nasty and hates most of us - we become the "worst" grandmother, mother, teacher, etc ever when he is stressed but hard to get to what is the reason ....takes much conversation by whoever is not the closest at the time....how do you teach an aspie to try to understand other peoples perspectives...why things are done for other practical reasons not just to annoy the aspie.

Good question! :D

I think if you need to show that there are other perspectives, you should choose a time when the child is not in blow up mode. I know that when I seem inconsolable, i'm pretty much that. There's nothing much that can be done, but to leave me alone, and let me calm down by myself. I understand about the other perspective thing.

i hope someone comes up with specifics because my brother refuses to see other points of views and it drives me nuts.

I have an almost 10 yr old aspie with ADHD and OCD. Like others have mentioned, it seems at times he may have 3 different personalities rolled up. However, as also mentioned they are all dependent on his moods. I believe everyone is similar to this whether Aspie or not. It's just we don't go to extremes as quickly. I also, agree with Sig regarding talking to them regarding perspectives. It took us a while, but we realized after the severe meltdowns when he was around 1st grade that we needed to give him time before speaking to him. We made sure he knew that his room was his quiet place to calm down and regroup. When he is severely upset, we try to use deep breathing exercises. If that doesn't work, we ask him to go to his room, which he usually is in full agreement to. Once he calms down, we sit down with him and discuss everything. He already knows about his diagnosis, so it makes it easier to discuss the whys. We really encourage him to recognize his own feelings. A great book/workbook we have been practicing since the beginning of summer is a book called, A Five can Make me Lose Control!!! It's set up like a thermometer where he can identify with some picture faces and what they mean. Green is a 1 and means I can handle this. 2 is blue and means this might make me feel uncomfortable, 3 is yellow and this could make me really nervous. 4 is orange, This can make me Mad!! 5 is red and says This can make me lose control!. it is set up as a folder and has a bunch of cards with triggers listed, along with a bunch of blank ones. One can then sort them out, based on how he feels he will react to the trigger. This has been a wonderful tool, because he has learned what triggers will set him off and to what degree, as well as he has learned if he feels he's at a yellow or orange, that he needs to use his relaxation techniques or just leave the situation. It has also helped us by letting him know that his actions are making us feel we're at a 3 or 4. This helps him identify with us because he knows how he feels at this same level. He knows we may need our own space. Anyhow, it's been awesome. The book and the workbook can be purchased as a package on Amazon for a fairly reasonable price. It's been awesome!! He's been doing so great this year and it has been recognized by all.

I have to agree with SigS.

I see this in all three of my kids, two of which are diagnosed with AS, and the third that was not, however I firmly believe the diagnosis was wrong.

What they display isn't really different personalities at all, but different personality "modes" that are usually triggered by some external source, usually something beyond their control. Going into different modes is their way of attempting to control what is happening to them. It's been a long struggle, but they are learning, slowly learning, that if they are reacting to things over which they have no control, it doesn't give them control.

It may seem cliche, but we are trying like the dickens to help them understand how to identify and accept that which they CAN control, and that which they CANNOT.

The only way ANY of them has been able to learn is to simply LET them do what they do, then, once they calm down, talk over whether or not what they did actually helped change anything.

Trust is a HUGE issue with AS kids. Ours don't trust what we tell them until they have experienced evidence that what we tell them is true, through their own experiences. The only way they can do that is to live it themselves, and analyze what, out of their own behaviors, gets them what they want, and what doesn't.

It's a double-edged sword though, because quite often the consequences of their behaviors is brought about by decisions we have to make as parents. Unfortunately, I know when we say, "See? See what happens when you behave that way?" I know darned well they are thinking to themselves, "Well, yeah, but those consequences are only happening because YOU decided that's what they would be!"

Sadly, when all is said and done, we often don't have any choice but to stop trying to protect them from everything, and LET bad things happen. Sometimes they happen anyway, having nothing to do with us letting them happen, because we aren't even there when they do.

We've been trying to get them all to stop play fighting. We've told them many times what could happen if they don't. We've tried every method under the sun you can think of to get them to stop, including "parent manufactured consequences," withheld privileges, time outs. You name it, we've tried it, yet every time we catch them doing it and tell them to quit it, they're doing it again within minutes or even seconds.

The other day, one of them accidentally punched his brother in the nose, hard enough to cause swelling.

A swift reminder (you bet, I yelled!), that THIS is the reason we don't want them doing it, and the threat of a possible trip to the doctors, changed everything, at least for a while. It's been four days now, and no play fighting. I wonder how long it will last? Time will tell.

Anyway, they test everything we tell them. Everything, no matter what we tell them the consequences are. That testing applies to explanations of what they really can control, and what they can't.

The personality "modes" they go into are almost always attempts to control things they can't control.

That "testing everything" is probably because they want have TOTAL knowledge of whatever - that's certainly how it was for me as a kid :)

There's a lot of different things I could comment on here...both my parents are aspies but their traits are rather different from each other.

So, for example, both have control issues. But my father is someone who wants to control everything and everyone, while my mom is very ADHD and gets into hyper moods. When she's in those moods she hates anyone (including my father) who try to intervene or control her. You have to be very careful how you interact with her at such times--she frequently ends up in tears or seething anger. My father's solution is to usually just beg her to stop, to slow down--which she tends to ignore. Sometimes he will simply command her to obey, and she doesn't like that much, but after a bit of sulking, she usually agrees that she was "taking on too much." My father is about the only person who can control her.

My father's problem is that he can take this commanding controlling approach with everyone. He has a very hard time understanding what he can and can't control.
One thing in particular he can't control is his temper--that book ciaoder mentioned... "A Five can Make me Lose Control!!"--I only wish they had that sort of thing for my dad growing up! But way back then, well... that was unheard of. And now, he flatly refuses to be "educated" as he calls it. He will frequently have temper tantrums when he finds out that he cannot control something. When he feels in control he's quite placid...he'll sit for hours in a chair looking at old photographs.
When he feels out of control--look out! I agree with SentientP- that his response is a reaction to something external, and he's not quite sure which feeling to have, at which level, or who to direct it toward. It's most difficult when an inanimate object causes a negative feeling in him and he doesn't know how to translate it to a more neutral feeling and not directly take it out on the nearest person.

I think the hardest thing for me is trying to assure them that I love them even while maintaining a healthy distance from the destructive aspects of their personalities.