What is Asperger Syndrome
Asperger syndrome - also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's, Aspergers or just AS - is one of five neurobiological pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), and is chara...
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Speaking Out when faced with Rudeness
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RANT:
The other day my wife and three young boys were at a local Wal-Greens, browsing the aisles, awaiting a prescription being filled. While we were there, a group of about eight kids, either high school seniors or young college students, came in, quite loud and boisterous, looking for a Frisbie. For a moment, my first impression was that they were being obnoxious, but excused it as typical behavior of young adults in a group. I'm sure I and my friends were often like that ourselves from time to time. It had been very quite in the store until they arrived, and the sudden burst of noise and rambunctiousness was startling. The propensity of a couple of them to NOT watch their mouths didn't help my perception at first either, though they did tone their language down as soon as they noticed my kids (who are 10, 11, and 12). Loud they were, yes, and a little obnoxious, but not so much that I couldn't just shrug it off, so that's exactly what I did. All fine, and not problem. My wife and I had stopped in the middle of the main aisle of the store, and were having a discussion. There was a cart behind me, and she was standing with here back against one of the shelving units. There was about a foot of room between us, and no room to get around us if one wanted to walk right up that particular aisle. if we didn't move, that is. The entire group of them were standing at least three aisles away, when one of them announced, "Let's leave!" and, instead of going up one of at least four other empty aisles (there were all of about six people in the store other than them) leading to the front door, the one announcing their departure looked around, then directly at my wife and I, and headed straight for us. Keep in mind, I was catching all this out of the corner of my eye while having a conversation with my wife. This JERK, headed directly between us at a very fast clip, mumbling "excuse me" AFTER he had already interrupted us. To make matters worse, ALL SEVEN of the rest of them followed suit. I never heard any of them apologize OR excuse themselves. While they are doing this, I make a very obvious step backward, looking directly at my wife, and said (not under my breath), "What the hell?" After they passed, I turned to them, and as loudly as I could, without shouting, asked, "Who the HELL taught you your manners?!" Two of them, at the tail end, turned to ask, "Are you talking to me?" I said (as loudly as before), "I'm taking to every one of you!" One said (in an extremely snotty tone), "I SAID excuse me!" Then, the idiot that had initially made the deliberate choice to walk between us, came back and accused ME of being at fault for blocking the aisle, when he had several choices of paths to take to leave the store without practically bowling my wife and I over. By now, I was PISSED! Now, I was shouting. "YOU HAD FOUR OTHER WAYS YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO LEAVE THIS STORE, AND YOU CHOSE TO WALK RIGHT BETWEEN TWO DECENT PEOPLE TRYING TO HAVE A CIVIL CONVERSATION. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Before you second guess whether i was overreacting, know that it takes a lot to piss off my wife. A lot more than it does me. I asked her afterward if she thought there were any chance that I had misjudged or overreacted. Even her response was "No! They were ALL being blatant JERKS!" Did it do any good to speak up in this case? I doubt it, but is the fact that speaking up might not do any good reason enough not too? I don't think so. I think the very reason that behavior like that is so rampant today, is directly attributable to the fact that NO ONE SPEAKS UP when people are RUDE! The fact that not enough of us DO speak up is, in my opinion, the very reason that people like that keep getting away with the crap they do. If you don't think rudeness is on the rise, you must be fairly young in comparison to me. Those who do NOT speak up to it are leaving themselves open to be doormats for people like that. Will speaking up to it stop it? Again, I doubt it. Those idiots treated me and my wife like doormats. Not only that, my kids saw it happen. While those particular jerks did it, and did get away with it, they did NOT get away totally without consequence. I can at least guarantee one thing. Not a one of them will forget for a long time, who I am. If they see me again, they will know that I do NOT stand quietly while people sh*t on me and/or my family. I'm not a fighter. I've never been in a fight. But I'm not a mouse either to be stepped on at will. Too many people put up with this crap these days, and that is exactly why people not only continue to be rude, but are getting even ruder. Not only do I speak up when it's done to me and mine, but to anyone, even if I don't know them. More of us need to. It may be "Politically incorrect, " but I just don't care anything about PC anymore. PC is partly responsible for this crap as far as I am concerned. Punks like that were probably never taken over anyone's knees. Oh, but it's okay, because they all obviously have a great deal of self esteem. Please! May I go puke now? End of rant. P.S. Keep in mind, this is just a rant. P.P.S. But I dearly do, sometimes, have the desire to thrash idiots like them. Posted on 11/01/09, 06:11 pm |
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And what does this have to do with Asperger's? 
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Everything adler. Everything.
One my own strongest "symptoms" (and I use that word loosely), is a powerful need for people to act justly around me. When I experience what I perceive to be wrong behavior, I refuse to ignore it. I also have a very strong belief that no one should ignore wrong behaviors. That, my friend, is just as "aspie" as any other aspie trait. That does mean we're all like this. We aren't. We're as different from each other as anyone is. Each of us has our own "brand" of AS. This is just one aspect of mine.
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Sorry, that does NOT mean we are all like this.
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Maybe I should add that I'm now 49 years old, and have lived with AS all of my life.
When I was much younger, I did not speak out much. I lived in a shell. Time and age can change that, even if one has AS.
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SentientParadox you sound just like my dad with your views of acting justly. My feeling on it is that while I understand your anger, I don't know that simply telling people to stop or behave differently cause them to do so. I've found that people act that way out of an immature bravado. (bravado is slightly different than healthy self esteem) Rant all you need to; that's what DS is for. And if it's any comfort to you, I think that sort of thing happens to most everyone.
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Well, it doesn't do any good to tell anyone to stop if the deed is already done, but certainly saying nothing also does no good.
I definitely don't agree that speaking up does no good. First, whether it changes others behavior is less irrelevant to me than the fact that doing so helps me realize that I don't have to simply sit quietly while being treated like a doormat. Secondly, simply overlooking behavior like that sends what I believe is the wrong message to my own kids. If nothing is said, it's too easy for them to get the message that it's okay either to behave that way, or to silently allow that kind of behavior, or both. Neither is a message I'm willing to allow my kids to get from incidents like that. Anger is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. There are some things in this world we SHOULD be angry over. There are some things we should express that anger over. Rudeness is one of them. "And if it's any comfort to you, I think that sort of thing happens to most everyone." While I appreciate the sentiment and reason for your sharing this, the fact is, it doesn't comfort me. Not a bit. What it does do is prove my point. Rudeness is rampant in this day and age, and the only way it will ever stop is if people quit tolerating it silently. The fact that pretty much everyone does tolerate it, is one of the biggest reasons it keeps getting worse. I am not in the least bit ashamed to say that it angers me. It angers me because blatant rudeness is just plain WRONG, and every reasonable person on this earth KNOWS it. Anger has its proper place in life. Anger at what is clearly wrong is not only just, but healthy. If more of us did speak out against deliberate rudeness, I do believe it would diminish overall. It may not "cure" the rude people of this world, but it may at least shame enough of them to markedly reduce that so called [false] "bravado" in many of them.
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Wendihi,
Please don't think I'm attacking you, or your approach. I'm a firm believer in the scripture that says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." But this was not wrath he was displaying. It was rudeness, and the difference is vast between the two. It was rudeness of the kind that speaks to an attitude that here was a person who believed he could simply get away with whatever he wanted without consequence. He may very well have learned nothing from it. Who though, is to say? I didn't follow him around to find out. Maybe he learned something, maybe he didn't The simple truth is, if nothing is said, nothing is learned. That you can count on.
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Hugs friend! I didn't say that it would do no good... I said that "simply telling..." --for instance, without the force of some ordinence or law--would compel them to do as you wanted.
And you don't have to feel like a doormat, if you decide that "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." You can choose to give a soft answer; I don't think it says anywhere that a soft answer means you're a doormat! :) In fact, I'll put that to practice by adding that if you feel the only way to stop rude behavior is to stop tolerating it silently...well I will not take offence at your opinion. You talk of "attacking"...well I would not feel verbally attacked unless you were being rude. I don't think you were being purposefully rude or trying to get away with anything, not when you are so keenly against it. I mean, I'll just keep an objective stance and not take your vehemence negatively. You are acually mad at those other people and not me. Like I said, m'dad's the same way!
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haha, sentient, for a second, i thought you had placed another mike in my synapses! :)
Nice to see you still come around. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! If you people had listened to me when I was speaking nicely, we wouldn't be in this situation, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME??!!! how many times have i been right about something, spoke up, was dismissed, and I turned out to be right? Now, I just speak loudly at the front, and people think I'm rude. jeez, ya cant have it both ways.
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Wendihi:
There's no vehemence here. Just matter of factness. My written words are often perceived as attacks. I wanted to [try to] make sure you didn't misinterpret that. by the way, I wasn't even yelling at the store. I was just loud enough so they could all hear me. Nothing more. I have never believed that a soft answer makes one a doormat. That wasn't the point. Soft answers are perfectly appropriate responses for things like anger. These people were not angry. They were oblivious. I do think the most appropriate response to obliviously deliberate rudeness is not a soft answer. A wake up call is what's needed in that situation. It doesn't do good in every situation, but it does do good sometimes. Silence and meek responses to deliberate rudeness has never gotten any results in my experience. I suppose for those who are deft in the tact department, it probably does sometimes. Tact doesn't come to me easily "off the cuff." Several years ago, our car was nearly hit by a college student playing "leap frog" in heavy traffic. I narrowly avoided him hitting my wife's door. She was pregnant at the time. I followed him for a few miles (followed, NOT chased), and managed to keep him in sight until he parked at the college. As he approached a building door, I hollered, "Excuse me!" loud enough to catch his and many other onlooker's attention. I then explained to him how close he had come to hitting my pregnant wife while being so careless on the road. The end result? He admitted being late, and exercising poor judgment, and then apologized profusely. I have no doubt he actually learned something from the experience. Had I done nothing, he would have learned nothing. I don't normally get into scriptural discussion on DS, and have no intention of getting into a religious argument, but I did open the door at least a little with my quoting that proverb regarding "soft answers." That scripture is often cited, especially by Christians, as the only right way to deal with negative behavior in others. Many often overlook the fact that the scripture addresses dealing with wrath, not rudeness. or outright deliberate disregard for others. Christians though, claim to follow Jesus as their primary example. Jesus overlooked quite a lot of anger and wrath. When one of his own disciples cut off the ear of a Roman solder arresting Jesus, his response was to admonish the disciple and heal the ear of the solder. That was a response to an understandable "knee jerk" reaction, and the lesson is well known. However, when this same Jesus, not long before that, found the temple in Jerusalem being used as a place to make profit selling animals for sacrifice, he was SO angry, he not only threw and overturned the money changing tables, but drove every merchant from the temple with a WHIP! Not exactly a "soft reply." Now, that IS an extreme response to an extreme situation, and I would never compare any situation I've ever been in to that. I have certainly never had as altruistic reasons or motivations to respond that way to anyone. At most, all I ever do is raise my voice (if necessary - only to be heard), and call attention to the behavior. Usually I do it intentionally loud enough to catch not only the rude persons behavior, but the attention of others in the vicinity. There are two reasons for this. First, it is in the hopes that embarrassment may cause the person to think about what they've done, and whether it is better to just let it go, and apologize (rare, but it does happen - probably more often than you think), or, if they choose to continue the rude behavior, and show their true colors. Second, in more cases than not, it sends a message to onlookers that it is okay to speak up and call rudeness out for what it is. Too many of us don't. No, there are no "laws" on the books addressing rudeness per se, but most of us (regardless of our beliefs) do know that rudeness is wrong. Silence and the reluctance to speak out against unacceptable behavior is what causes permissiveness. It may sound like a stretch, but if one studies carefully the history of the Nazi regime, one will find that permissiveness and a wide spread unwillingness of the masses to speak of what they really believed was wrong, allowed for the most horrific crimes in human history. Silence and "soft answers," are not the solution to deliberate disregard and disrespect of fellow human beings. Freedom of speech is a right we ALL have. Too many of us, for whatever reason, are not using it enough in my opinion. As far as I am concerned not saying anything is as good as saying, "It's okay." Well, as far as I am concerned, rudeness is NOT okay, and I have the right to say so, so I do. That is really all it amounts to. BTW: Keep in mind, if I am out my myself, I do overlook this kind of stuff. It's when I see it happening to others, especially my wife and kids, I refuse to be silent about it. Personally, I have a thick skin, but cannot stand watching silently while others are victimized. These people were rude not just to me, but to my wife and three young boys as well. That is simply inexcusable.
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