Asperger Syndrome Support Group

Personally, as harsh as it may sound and as difficult as it may be, I believe you need to let her make her own mistakes. Only than can she grow and learn life lessons that she needs to learn. This doesn't mean that you can't still be a parental figure; instead of trying to catch her before she falls, let her fall on her own and let her know that when she is willing to accept help and guidance, you will be there for her.
It will be difficult and hard to watch her make mistakes, ones that could cost her a lot and possibly for a long time, but this is just something she has to learn. You can't force her to realize things if she refuses to accept your wisdom and advice. Hopefully, eventually, she will realize that she can turn to you for advice and that following it will improve her life.

I agree with butterfly. She needs to realize the consequence of her actions. With you there to constantly figure things out for her, and whatnot, she will not learn.

It isn't an easy thing to do. I know that I had a difficult time with authority, and had trouble understanding cause and effect. It took years.

However, you won't be there for her forever....so best she learn some of this while you are still there to support her.

Good luck

Don't want to interupt the flow of the post... But I'm confused...

How come ADHD's have problems with authority too? I had problems with authority as well. I knew it would piss them off though, and I enjoyed pissing people off sometimes - with Aspies, is it more that they believe they are right or, is it because they are upset or do they know that they will get a reaction???

I don't know what 1st grade is as I'm english - or dumb lol, is it the start of school?? You sound frustrated here - but um maybe there is a root cause here??
everyone goes through teenage angst, and the majority of what you are saying sounds like that but with a different twist...
When was she diagnosed?

Has she had trouble throughout her schoollife?.... Sometimes even with "normal" teenagers, their big, fat pride gets in the way of being helped because you are at a stage where you want to believe you can do stuff but the truth is, sometimes you need a little help.
I am 19, I was moderately rebellious at 15, but that's partly because I was in a children's home so the circumstances are vastly different, but I have only just learnt that showing the more childish parts to yourself at this age is healthy, instead of forcing a concept of adulthood on yourself that you do not understand fully, it's healthier to get some help than to try and work it out on your own when you KNOW you are repeatedly making mistakes...

Put it this way, it's been a bit of a joke for a while and people that come to my flat either say nothing, or they make some kind of jokey comment about the state of it... I am beyond messy, my attention span is short, I divert all the time, i have low energy, but I do have a job and go to college - my focus can only sustain on either some work and socialising, lots of work, (hard) no work at all (plenty of F-ing about - excuse the french), or total out and out perfectioniasm which leads to a burn out and frustration...
I can do casual socialising better than formal socialising, that's why i struggle with jobs and with being polite to people lol I jsut feel it's false and small talk makes me uncomfortable....

It's basically taken a while just to be OK, (I never wanna be average or normal, partly because it's too late now) and to go through the depressions, the laziness, the drinking and smoking, the cannabis, denial and childish behaviour to actually get out of it somewhat, and try to connect[ish] to people a little bit more just by recognising their insecurities and their quirks... She will get through it, it may take 5/10 years longer than usual, but she will; at 15/16 you tend to think that only you are going through the thing you are going through, and there is nobody who could understand...
I think because an adult thinks with the perspective they have NOW, they tend to put off teenagers because you've already been through that part and don't nescessarily think on the 'same level' anymore...

Some the wisdom which is personal to you and the years you've lived, may not be aligning to a kids' idea of how life should be.... All teens are confused, they want to be helped but being an adult - to them in the sense of doing "anything" they want to do, or this is what is somewhat sold to us - and going forward that way seems to be too tempting, than admitting that they are falling short and not doing as best as they'd like...

It's tough, I know, it's no good saying 'if you ever need my help I'm here', because they'll read that as annoying and insincere, and if you don't do anything they'll kick up a fuss.... It's just about going with that tide, you either ride it with them and hit some of the rocks, or you get off the tide and face some of their bitterness at being 'abandoned' - remember, 16 is VERY young and I am not even grown up yet and I hate the fact that our governments expect us to do things at certain ages we are not ready for. A lot of adult speak from a kid is just dressy, they are not concepts understood...

Maybe get some extra help in the form of a school/college counsellor or just get some extra advice from somewhere - you made need someone in the middle to play referee, and then you'll feel more in control of the situation if someone else is pointing out cleary, what is right and wrong about the situation. You may even begin to see each other in a different light if you are willing to listen...
She has Asperger's right? So it's a different ball game- you've got to try and be inside her head, as hard as that sounds!

Do your best, and, if there are no other options and you've exhausted them all, then I would sit down with her or find the time to talk to her and just explain that she may have to try things out by herself for a while - you sound like a good person and things cannot be that bad - my mother used to slap us constantly and was very strict, so there WAS a reason to kick up a stink over that, but things need to be put into perspective with this. You can do a good job, you are just on a low with it all.


I hope things go ok - good luck.

How will I know if she is even capable of living independently as an aspie though? She is 16 but about 10 mentally & emotionally.

What happens if she can't live on her own? What happens if she can't get a job? It's even more difficult because of her asp. & this economy. I can't even get a job & I've never had a problem!

I can't support her so what will happen to her????

yikes.... sorry... long post...

Thank you GP for your reply as well, didn't see it before I posted again. Yes she has aspergers, she was just diagnosed about a year unfortunately but now all her "weird" behaviors make sense with this diagnosis. Do you have asp? My grandaughter does not learn from her mistakes. Same mistakes every year in school. I am amazed you are just 3 years older than she & you can type all that & think the way you do. She can't even spell. She is like a 1st grader (1st year in school). I think she is mentally challenged slightly but she will never accept that diagnosis. Even though she knows in her heart that asp fits all her behaviors, she's in denial about even that.

Sitting down & talking with her? Never happen. She doesn't respect anything I say & every time I try to, she has a melt down....

Yes she has had problems throughout school. Mostly losing papers, forgetting to turn them in, etc. & she blames all the teachers she's ever had!!!!!

What might need to happen is that you need to look into a group home situation for her. My parents have considered that option for me because I struggle so much to maintain order. I also cannot work but am lucky enough to receive SSI. Those are two options you could look into. I don't think a group home costs you anything, as I believe it is government run.
I agree with GP, it may take her longer to grow up and realize things, but one of two things will happen. She will realize she needs help and reaches out for it or she will be forced into a situation such as an instituation or group home that she will probably not like.
I know from speaking from my parents that its got to be a difficult thing to realize that you might have to do this, but like they said to me, they won't be around forever to take care of me, so having plans in place are the best thing that they could do.
Luckily, I did eventually grow up behavior wise. I still struggle a lot with cleaning, and dealing with those in authority (in the way that because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of those in authority that I am now scared of them).
Even though she will probably have to learn things the hard way, you need to let her go so she can make mistakes and learn things for herself. Like the person said before, better to do this now than when it is too late and you are no longer able to help her out.

Butterfly, you've been more than helpful. Are you female? Is that you in the picture? Would you mind telling me your age & your story? (how you found out you had asp, how you did in school, what your parents did to help you, etc.) Anything & everything you can tell me from your point of view as aspie would really help me.

I am 23 years old and yes, I am the girl in the picture. The guy is my boyfriend. We've know each other for almost 3 years through myspace, met up in person a year ago and now we are living in the same apartment building.

I was always different as a kid. I did weird things; such as in preschool I always hid under a desk and in kindergarten at glue. I would have these "outbursts" (now called meltdowns). I would often feel them coming on and even though I would try to fight some of them, I often could not stop violent meltdowns from happening. I did horrible things, like trying to run away and throw knifes at those I loved. I never wanted to do those things, but it was like I had a monster living inside of me, one who would scratch and claw their way out of me, take control of me. I have few memories of what I did during these meltdowns.

In school, I didn't follow directions for the most part. I was in my own world and I really didn't care to listen to anyone. It wasn't until I was in 2nd grade that one of my aunts convinced my mom to search for more answers since my behavior was getting worse not better. The doctors finally figured out I was autistic and bipolar when I was 10 years old. I was sent to biofeedback, something to try and help control myself better. I had other therapies as well, such as occupation therapy.

It was a constant struggle for both my parents and I. I would have meltdowns several times a week. Some were so bad that my parents had to call the police for reinforcements. I was an inpatient a lot from 4th to 8th grade.

Things at 8th grade were so bad, my parents were looking into Christian institutions for me because they felt that despite everything, nothing was working. And it wasn't. Finally, at the end of 8th grade, I was put on the right medication. This medication (Welburtin) put me more in control.

I had to learn a lot of things once I was thrust into reality with that medication. I still got upset easily and had meltdowns, though not as bad as before.

I struggled on my own to just do simple tasks when I was on my own. I hadn't planned on being on my own but when my ex kicked me out of the apartment without warning, I had to find a place to live 45 mintues away from my parents so I could continue going to college.

I lived on my own in that apartment from 2006 up until September of this year. It was a struggle to stay organized. I often forgot to do assignments for my classes, but I would say I was too ill to do them, so they were excepted late. (I have physical health problems and I used those as an excuse).

I didn't really become who I am until March of this year, when I was forced into a psych ward because of worry that I was suicidal again. I had been struggling for a couple of years thanks to a no good psych doctor.

I was lucky that the hosptial I went to had a two month intesive out patient program. I learned a lot of coping skills and how to use them in life. With the help of an in-home therpist, I am learning how to manage things better. I still call on my mom a lot, and now that I live 5 mintues away, she comes to help a lot. I still don't fully understand money or shopping, but my mom is helping me with that. My dad also got me a program called Quicken to try and help me with a budget, but I got lost with it and gave up quickly. I still have a lot to learn, but with the therpist and my mom, I am able to live on my own.

Sure, I have a lot of help, but considering everyone, including my parents after so many years of fighting to get me help, didn't think I'd get through my first year of high school, I feel like I am doing well.

I know that I will always struggle to manage my apartment, remember to get what needs to be done. I have had a system set up for me for my medications and reminders that go off every day at the times I need to take them.

I hope this helps. Sorry it is so long, but I wasn't sure what would be helpful. If you have any more questions, just let me know.

I have had to learn the hard way and make mistakes, but I don't mind anymore cause I have started seeing how helpful it is. Mom does let me fall, but never too far. She and dad are always there to help me fight my battles when I am ready to let them.