Asperger Syndrome Support Group

I am an Aspie and I have much anger. Anger that my father does not accept me for what I am, anger that my mother wants to help, anger that I am not socially acceptable and frustration that I do not know what to do or how to act “normal”.

It is only after learning what was different about me that I have learned better control over my anger. I still have a lot of anger, but no where as much as I did.

Hi Wendyhi

I have dealt with anger issues and still deal with them but to a lesser extent. I once got hit because I ripped up his 'special interest' at the time I did not understand about aspergers and special interests and I thought he was a workaholic who was avoiding all responsibility for parenting and me (2 small children one extrelmely difficult baby who screamed non stop for 15 hours of the day and a husband who stayed at work 16 hours a day then worked when he got home and on the weekend ) So the thing I learnt on that day was not to escalate an anger situation. We had a seperation for a while also and counselling, although we did not know then he had aspergers. He never hit me again but he continued to throw objects, stamp on his phone for a while too.

It is important to stay calm or atleast look calm and in control,
don’t yell or shout, tell them that their behaviour is unnacceptable, walk away and leave them alone if possible. If they are stressed and doing their special interest leave them alone, don't try to get your emotional needs met by them, ring a friend, go out, look elsewhere for support at that time. This is where you have to understand that aspergers is a disability but it affects you in this situation also.

Also look after your safety and your mental health. My husband is addressing his problems, but I cannot say we have a total success yet, but it is much improved and to a large extent it is because I know when to leave him alone.

I was told that anger can be a sign of depression in aspergers. Aspies don't have to stay angry, they do need to understand themselves and their partners need to understand them. We both would have handled the bad situations better if we had our time again. Adler234639 sums it up in his last paragraph

Goodluck

Some Aspies are apparently incapable of feeling anger; others feel it at times most people wouldn't; still others get super enraged and may not be able to resolve it and let it go easily. The answer to the latter is to resolve the situation that caused the rage -- this can be a tough one with AS because some of us don't have an improvisational or problem-solving bone in our bodies, provoking a sense of helplessness and maybe panic which in turn causes the rage. This gets worse if the person hasn't yet learned to identify what their problem is and ask for help with it.

Getting help is a whole separate problem, of course. Some Aspies melt down all over again when they don't have someone to walk them through what they need to do, step by step, because explaining it isn't enough in some cases, and again it may not occur to them to ask.

My, what a lot of run-on sentences I'm producing today. :)

Most of my husband's anger, is anxiety related. He gets very anxious when it comes to change. No surprise here. Whenever possible, I try to prepare him for change by alerting him before hand.

Before I understood he had A.S., his anger would really upset me. It was usually over petty things like his unwillingness to order takeout or driving around for a parking spot to avoid b putting the car in a lot. Now, that I understand, we try and discuss situation before hand and come to an agreement on how we will handle them.

I also don't let him get away with taking his anger out on me. I calmly let him know what happened and how I felt, Last week, he said something that upset me. As soon as I said that was not very compassionate he got it.

It takes work to maintain a relationship with an Aspie. Despite the ups and downs, I have found it is worth the work.

Oh this is SO helpful!

AnnMarieD- Yeah like you, before I understood what it was, their anger would really upset me. Same sort of stuff as you describe.
I'm having a problem alerting them to change though. Change kinda sends them into anxiety overdrive, makes them panic way in advance. The don't move easily between "today," "tomorrow," and "the future".
Also since it's both parents, if I put my foot down with one, the other one will often feel certain I was deserving of the first one's anger and chime in, undermine, retaliate etc. It gets tough to be effective!

Aspiespouse- What you describe it pretty much the way I grew up. Like you I had no idea about "special interests" so yeah, I eventually caught on that to stay calm, maintain a controlled, even demeanor. The only hitch is that when you do that though it's hard for others (and even yourself) to see what your own needs are sometimes.
I think that's where a lot of my own anger comes from. You're right about how important it is to have others places to look for support.

Cliffenstein- true, I've noticed that too. My father is certainly capable, but my mother...it's not so clear.
I am the de facto family problem solver. My family likes to try but as you point out, do not always come away with the results they hoped for. Most of the time they don't like being walked through anything and it's a little like a cat getting stuck up a tree. The cat hates it, the people watching hate it, and it's all around not fun for anyone!

The best remedy for a run on sentence is to take two commas and proofread in the morning.
;)

adler234639- You're lucky that you're young and learning now. I don't think my family ever really knew, and I thought it more about other kinds of disorders like Anxiety disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder....
You're right that when you know more about the anger and why you have it, you can have better control over it. I think aspiespouse has a good point about it sometimes being a sign of depression. Each person is different though.

I think this is true for most people, but especially for people on the spectrum. My mother used to say I needed my "alone time" every day, and I would be impossible to get along with if I did not get it. Alone time, time when I am not having to interact with anyone, and am dealing with my feelings and thoughts. Quiet or listening to music of my choice. Because being around other people when you are an Aspie is hard work. Constantly trying to figure out if they are joking or not, and whether you are the butt of a joke that everyone gets but you.
My husband's "alone time" is doing his bicycling which he obsesses over. My son's is tinkering with computers.

So on those days when it seems like everyone is in tears or on edge, I look to see - have we had our alone time? On days like those, probably not.

Hello,
I am an Aspie myself. My problem is that I don't feel anger when I am supposed to sometimes, so I end up having horrible delayed reactions, which frighten and confuse people. If an Aspie seems to rage "out of nowhere", don't dismiss it as random or unfitting behavior. Please regard it and help the person deal with the problem. Remember, for many of us, it is very hard to communicate feelings and attach inner feelings to social correspondences.

Oh that's interesting too! Yeah delayed anger reactions...I've actually experienced that indirectly. My parents are great at being evasive, creating situations where I'd want to express my disaproval or anger, but at a time or place where I'd know it would be inappropriate. Sometimes they'll run distractions or interference. Those interferences make it neccessary for me to have to delay expressing my anger. And it only serves to make me more angry and tends to drive a wedge between us.

I have an odd anger issue. i get really mad when little things go askew, people don't follow protocol, whatever, but when big things happen that make everyone mad, like everyone is getting laid off because the plant's moving to Mexico, I have no issues with anger, and generally laugh it off.

your statements caught my eye. i have a 9 yr old who flies into rages and i didn't realize it was an aspie characteristic. he is getting to big for me to stop when he goes after his siblings and i don't know what i am going to do. but at least now i know where it comes from.