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Advice:
Aspergers or teen-age disrespect?
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How do you know the different between Asperger behavior and typical teenage disrespect? My 14-year-old son is very disrespectful in the way he talks to my husband and me. When we tell him this, he acts like he doesn't know what we're talking about. He says, "I'm just being honest," or, "You're disrespectful to me too." I'm afraid he will never be able to hold a job if he doesn't understand how to talk to people. Is there any way to get through to him?
Posted on 04/24/09, 07:52 am
14 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 04/24/09  5:32pm
" Ask him to demonstrate or give an example of how you are being disrespectful to him. He may well be misreading -- and you know there's nothing touchier than a teenager -- or he may have a point. Ask how he would like to be talked to differently and do some problem-solving with him. See how much you can manage to agree on. If he's dead wrong, you can always explain what you really mean when you say thus and such so he can start seeing it differently. "
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Reply #2 - 04/24/09  5:35pm
" you could try to work out5 if he has aspergers, get a list of symptoms from the net
I think some aspies never get beyond the teenage years in development and then have to pretend to be adults later, my dad and brother are like this, both prone to sulking, jealosy and temper tantrums "
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Reply #3 - 04/25/09  2:09am
" Personally I know I end up being disrespectful sometimes because I tend to think logically and am honest to the most point. But in time i learnt to incorporate emotions of others into my logic and how it will affect them. Ask him how you have disrespected him and find a way to tell him that white lies can be used for good, all to often parents stress the importance of the truth and then don't reinforce this as it is an impractical moral.
I hope that all made sense, good luck. "
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Reply #4 - 04/25/09  6:53pm
" did he have these troubles before puberty? I'm not so certain that Asperger's is something that all of a sudden shows up. "
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Reply #5 - 04/25/09  9:21pm
" He definitely has Aspergers - we've seen signs of that since he was 2 - but it is hard for me to know if he is deliberately being disrespectful, or if he just doesn't realize how inappropriate some of his tones and comments are. He also has this problem at times with other authority figures, such as teachers, which bothers me more. I want to try to understand his perspective but I don't want to make excuses for him. My husband has much less patience than me and gets really angry with him at times.
Thanks for your comments. "
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Reply #6 - 04/26/09  1:34am
" We have had this same difficultyy with our son, who is going on 15. We started about 2 years ago just explaining to him how what he has said is disrespectful and what would have been appropriate. He still says some things that seem disrespectful, so we just discuss it again. He has made progress and does not seem as disrespectful.

It is hard to tell, and I do think he knows some times. (he may get a smirk on his face or something) But I TRY to just point him to what is acceptable. "
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Reply #7 - 06/14/09  9:36pm
" I think beckysy is right. Just continue to address the issue when something your child says come off disrespectful. Allow him to have his oppinion but there is a nicer way to get his point across with better results. My son sometimes confuses my need as a parent to scold him for an appropriate reaction for him to use. Most of the time when my son yells, smarts of or uses a tone that is inappropriate, asking him to repeat more respectivly, talking or just stearnly ask his "what did you say?" he will usually appologize or explain why he said it that way. Then we can come to a resolution. Hope this helps some. "
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Reply #8 - 10/07/09  4:17pm
" My 16 yr old aspie grandaughter is the same way. She wasn't always this way. She acts like she hates me 24/7. I think she may have ODD too. Her parents are addicts & abandoned her so I know she has some anger. But why at me? I hope I can hold out until she's 18. I'm not living the rest of my life this way. I ask her how can we work on our relationship & make it better & she says she doesn't want to. We used to get along so well. She wasn't diagnosed until a year ago, I didn't know anything about asp but she definitely has it. I just don't know what to do anymore. She wants NO authority over her about school or anything yet really needs to be declared learning disabled & she is in denial that she has asp. "
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Reply #9 - 10/07/09  9:46pm
" Oh, I feel so bad for you raising a granddaughter like this! It's hard enough when there is a stable family with 2 parents, which is the situation that my husband and I have. Even so, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. It must be so so hard for you. I hope that some day your granddaughter wakes up and realizes all you've done for her, and appreciates it. "
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Reply #10 - 10/08/09  7:00am
" Hi Susan,
Yes it's heartbreaking & difficult. Sometimes I feel like I will just leave but I can't because I have legal custody until she's 18. She does the same thing your son does -- "what are you talking about??" when I confront her about her rude behavior, then she accuses me of being rude, which yes I have but only when my buttons have been pushed 50 times & I've had it. She claims she is always nice to me & always thanks me. NEVER! What universe is she living in?? There must be an aspie universe because it's certainly not in mine. I told her if she would just be a little bit nice to me things would be so much different in our home. I'm going to post my whole story on this section of the board if you wish to read it. If you have any advice I welcome it. You can email me too at laffstore@yahoo.com . Thanks for responding. "

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