Asperger Syndrome Support Group

My 17 yr old son has Aspergers and also has ODD. This is a horrible thing to deal with. No matter what we say, he will take the opposite view. One example....once, when I said I was cold, he insisted that I was not!
The only thing we have found is to try to use reverse psychology. If we don't act like something is very important, then he is more likely to comply. We definitely have to choose our battles. Our priorities have changed over the years. If my son doesn't want to bathe for a week, I don't bother to argue with him anymore. The more I insist on some things, the more he digs his heels in and opposes me.
When he was little, I used to physically make him do things. Now that he is 6'4" tall, it's impossible. One thing I've learned is that if you can stay calm and not start yelling, things are much better. This is very hard for me, because I lose my temper easily, but I work very hard at it.
I wish I had some good advice for you, but this is a continuing trial for us. It's so very depressing to know that you can't control your child. Maybe a child psychologist could give you some tips on how to handle this. If you learn anything, please share with me.

I have a 37 year old son who behaves in a way that mystifies me...I cannot do anything right, according to him. I have learned to not talk about anything he might turn on.
I e-mail him across the house and have learned to speak to him in his language. He relates to computer talk, things that cost money and a black or white condition. Even though he is very talented and smart with the computer he is stressed when dealing with others. I hear your torment but AS people are super sensitive and smart and will accept you if you talk their talk.

Hello, our son is 11 and has always been contrary to the max, always questioning and rarely taking no for an answer without hours of explanations. Things have become much easier as he has become older. When he was young we explained everything and as he became older we began to see that it didn't matter why, it was kind of a compulsion of sorts, something he needed to do. So, knowing how important rewards are to him, we started a rewards system, giving him extra privileges and favorite foods. If things get really bad we will take away favorite things but try to avoid that. Also, it is very important that we schedule, so he knows when we will eat, when it is time for shower, even when his nails will need to be clipped (something he can't stand). When people do not have children affected by Asperger's, they do not understand the web of intricate rituals, but for us, it is just an every day thing. My main recommendations would be setting up a rewards jar or system where he can pick the reward for doing things as asked. AND, make sure there is schedule. Hopefully that helps.

One book I have that has good, detailed advice for all types of behavioral issues is: People with Autism Behaving Badly, by John Clements, copyright 2005 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. I got it through www.SpecialNeeds.com $19.95 It may or may not help you specifically, but is very structured, able to help with all types of problems, present and future...

My 9 yr old Aspie has ADHD and ODD also. He is very bright but the ODD is the thing that gets him into trouble. We've tried spanking...didn't work. We've tried loss of stuff...didn't work. The only thing that works is explaining to him what he did and what you will not tolerate. After he breaks an infraction (because he will) give him a consequence and then mark it down on a calendar. We work on a reward system that sometimes works. One odd thing...we started going to sensory integration training (at a gymnasium) and for the rest of the evening the ODD wasn't so bad. We got a report that he did great the next day in school. I'm dying to know how he does next week after the sensory training...to see if it is doing any good.

Thank you, thank you. I didn't know that there was a name for this. My husband (63) has ODD (or from the sounds of it does). It drives me crazy. There is a way to handle this type of disorder. It's played havoc with our marriage and communication. There's a test?

It can be difficult to discipline a child with defiant behavior but not impossible. I would look into a child behavior modification program that will give you the tools that you need when you encounter these behaviors as well as give effective consequences. Stick with it and you will be glad that you did.

One I would recommend is The Total Transformation program located here: www.thetotaltransformation.com

I believe I have ODD but as an adult it is more or less under control. As a child it was bad and what I believe is that the whole thing is a control issue. Basically "If I do what they say then they have control over me. Even if I know it's right and even if I want to do it I will do everything I can to do it in my own way."

Soooo, If I needed to be ready on time and my Mum used to yell at me to hurry up I wouldn't - I'd make sure she was aware of the fact that I wasn't hurrying but I somehow made sure I was as near on time as possible to show that I COULD do it but in my own way. Hope that makes sense.

AND if there wasn't a way that I could make it happen in my own way then it simply wouldn't happen.

NOW my 9 year old daughter displays the same tendency so being the wise old owl that I am getting to be these days I know that I mustn't hurry her, that I mustn't yell at her, that I musn't suggest that she has to comply, no threats, no ultimatums.

I have to remain calm and always make sure that I am a help and a guide to get things done and not an overseer.

If I get it wrong then she won't budge and we miss appointments, are late for school, let people down. I have also had to let some of my standards go as trying to keep them is impossible. Thankfully I am getting it right more often these days and we are all a lot better off for it.

"Mom told me you said I was an angry person. I'm not an angry person, I'm cynical."
"They come across the same way to most people"
"No they don't."
"Yep, they do."


yep. they do.