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Rant about other people
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I'm a pretty passive person with my friends. With family, I will fight tooth and nail to get what I think is right, but with friends I let everything go very easily and give in to what they want. I really don't like tension and it makes my anxiety so much worse, so it's much easier to just go along with whatever it is other people want. And for the most part I have awesome friends who I love being around. But I have problems speaking up when something isn't right. Which is why I'm in this situation:
I have this friend in real life who also has anxiety. She and I met through mutual friends about 2 years ago, and we live near each other. For the most part, our friendship is pretty good. But lately, I feel like it's all about her. 95% of our conversations are centered around her life. She has a specific hobby that she is VERY passionate about, that I know very little about. I'll listen to it for a while, but she can tell I'm getting bored with it and yet it's all she talks about. I'll bring things up (some of which are very important to me) and she'll blatantly ignore what I said and start talking about whatever she wants. I've brought up major things, like a grandparent dying, and she'll express sympathy and move right on to something else. Yet when she has a fight with her boyfriend, I'm expected to stop everything and talk about it with her. I don't mind doing this because I like to be there for all of my friends, but I just wish it was reciprocated. Another issue is whenever I bring up my anxiety, it's like she constantly has to "one-up" me (for lack of a better phrase). Anxiety sucks- it's not a competition. Yet if I talk about how I'm having a bad day, she goes on to talk about how bad her anxiety is and how my worst day is not even as bad as her best day etc. How she knows this, I have no idea. I told her I was struggling to stay off of medication and she told me her doctor practically FORCED it on her because hers was so bad. I don't doubt what she's saying, I just wish she would have some concern for my situation as well. I just feel like I'm kind of being used. I constantly reassure her that everything will work out for her, and all of my situations get overlooked. Am I wrong to feel this way? Has anyone else had similar experiences? Posted on 08/17/12, 02:38 pm |
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Hi,
I know exactly how you feel because I'm in a similar situation. I don't like conflicts, arguments, or hurting others' feelings, and so I just find it easier to go along with the other person's requests. It's not a good path to be on though with my own experiences. I'm trying to change and not let this pattern of my own behaviour to continue. I'm trying to be more assertive with people now and let them know when they've crossed boundaries and when I feel that something is unfair. Through my own therapy, I've learned that it's normal to get frustrated in certain situations like this and from there I've felt better in being more assertive. 
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I have had this problem twice as well. With my best friend I just told her what I needed out of her friendship but most of those issues were not major and I had to learn she is that way and won't change. Ultimately she wasn't there for me when I needed her most so I no longer trust her or barely speak to her. After the pain of losing her I am a better person for it because she has hurt me several times and they were major life changers. I know I cannot count on her so therefore she can't disappoint me.
The other friend many years ago was similar to yours and she never asked how I was and always talked about herself. I said no when she wanted me as a bridesmaid and I do believe I said it was because everything was always about her. For years we sent Christmas cards and that was about it. But with me having no friends and my bestie turned on me I decided to reach out to her. She is a changed person and is very considerate of how I am doing and we both talk equally of our lives. I have learned with many people in my life that I calmly explain what I need or that I do not want to discuss certain situations (usually with my mom). I verbally appreciate what they already do for me so it's not a blame game. I feel so much better when I express to someone what I need. For example I need my boyfriend to be there and listen if I am upset but not looking for him to fix it for me. I think it may be good if you sit down and have a talk with her about it. Tell her what you like about her or appreciate, etc. (It's always good to start out positive.) And then express what you need. Let her know you still want to be friends. It sounds to me that eventually she is going to add more stress and anxiety to your life than good. If you are afraid to say it then write her a letter. You have every reason to be tired of being treated that way, but you have to stand up for yourself as well. In the long run it will be better somehow.
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No you are not wrong at all and if you feel your friendship is strong enough, can you print out what you wrote and let her read it.? Sometimes people will cut us off while we are trying to explain and then we forget what we wanted to say. This way she can just read it all and then you guys can talk. If she can't take how you truly feel, then she isn't a true friend. that is just how I feel about the situation
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Thanks for all the advice and support! I appreciate it. I think I'll talk to her about it. It's not worth losing a friendship.
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I just wanted to add that your friend sounds a bit to me like what I call an emotional vampire. I've had a few friends in the past with this issue too.
Those types usually are all about themselves and even when the convo isn't about her, she can somehow make it about her. They also want your undying attention whenever or wherever....completely oblivious to your pain or needing to talk. They seem to thrive on being center stage and of course their problem is far worse than yours. It's all about them and you should recognize that, lol. Anyway, they just suck all your emotions out of you to make themselves feel better and you feel drained once they are gone. That's why I call them the emotional vampires. Hope you can find a way to talk to her about this and maybe come to a better understanding. Good luck.
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