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He wants me to say its all my fault?
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He left me a hundred times. I did it the last time after the silent treatment all day. He wouldn't communicate and never will when we have problems. He cuts me off emotionally and physically every time. I feel this is very hurtful to me and believe it's abusive manipulation so he gets to do what he wants expecting me to be there when he's done. It is always his way or the highway. I make no decisions if he wants something he gets it or does it no matter how I feel about it. Right now I told him I can not continue a relationship with him if he is going to continue giving me the silent treatment or cutting off contact when we try to talk about differences because it hurts me and is not good for me emotionally. He won't talk to me now. I can't take the silent treatment. He is so mean! I do not know how to stay strong and put my foot down without giving in over and over again. He won't say what he does to me is abusive. Can that be love? Can he do this to me and really love me? Why am I always miserable? With him? I get this part time when he has nothing else going on time. I feel like I just get the leftovers. If we have plans like today his daughter calls at the last minute saying she needs him to watch the kids because she works (to me her failure to plan) so he drops me and goes there to take care of the kids. It happens all the time. Not just once in a while. But if he has other plans oh he won't break them for me! He has a major double standard for himself and me. He can do things but if I do it he will leave me. Then he has the never to say I'm controlling. ??????? Why do I do this to myself? I do not know why.....
Posted on 07/16/12, 10:39 pm |
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I had a pretty unapreciative ex before, if you have talked to him and he's ignored you then that is cruel to you.
I'll share my story with my ex with you since its sort of relevant. One day I called my ex to confront him about how he was treating me and he said "guess who is ruining this relationship!?" I replied "..you!" and hung up, last word I ever said to him. I have no idea where that courage came from, and it was hard not to call him back and say sorry but I stuck to my guns and followed through feeling happy after a few weeks. 
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Let him leave, then. Put your well-being first, and do things for yourself. Make some plans without inviting him, and do them.
He has a comfort zone with you, and you are not going to change the way he thinks, so you change the way you think, and when he complains, remember, it is his choice, his problem, not yours. Bell has a great suggestion, and it works. Whatever you decide, best wishes!
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It is really tough when we try to talk to someone about anything and they don't listen or just cut us off. I know this was frustrating to me in the past. I couldn't get a word in and when the person walked away and locked themselves in the bathroom or left to the bar, I got even more upset. I feel the silence you are experiencing is making everything so much worse. And he IS abusive. I have had someone say because they didn't hit me they are not abusive. That is a lie.
I honestly don't want to tell you what to do but look at it this way. Are you married? If not, would you want to spend the rest of your life probably not being heard? You deserve to be heard and have your feelings validated and trust me, when you do, you will notice such a difference. I am now in a much better relationship and it has to be the biggest breath of fresh air I have had in a long time.
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This sounds exactly like my ex years ago. He would have to always get his way and did the whole silent treatment thing and would always drop plans with me to go somewhere else and never make time for us. He said we needed to break up and i would have to move out and i went back becuz i wanted to make it work and he attempted to make it work and i ended up finding out he was cheating on me and i threatened to move out and he laughed and said i would never leave him. But guess what I DID! I have allowed someone into my life that is my best friend and now we are engaged and could never be happier.
Obviously this guy does not sound like a nice person and is manipulative. YOU are the only one that can change this unless some magic genie will change him (which prob wont happen.) You deserve better and the choice is in your hands. Make room for a better guy in your life.
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Thank you all for helping sort through these feelings. I know in my heart its not right what he does to me. Why I keep thinking I love him and keep returning to the same situation is beyond me! I don't even understand myself and every time I ask myself why did I do it again? I don't even have an answer. Maybe I am so desperate to be loved? What could make me believe someone who does this to me love me? What is wrong with me?
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Not sure if you're married or not, but my husband treats me the same way. He is very controlling and manipulative, has problems communicating, and when he gets mad, he can say the meanest things! I always give in to whatever he wants, whatever he says. I wish I had more of a back bone. But when I DO, he makes me feel guilty like I did something wrong! Then i start thinking and believing what he says is true. He, himself, add HUGELY to my anxiety and depression. Yet....I cant let go...
Talk to me anytime...
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This makes me go back in time to my marriage and past relationships. I swore I'd leave before I got in these relationships, if anything like this happened. But I stayed. A friend shared this saying-
"Never chase love affection or attention. If it isn't given freely it isn't worth having" And no I don't think it's love. It's control. Love is supposed to be compassion, caring and acceptance, caring . You are under his spell of control. it was hard to leave my relationships and I did at the last moment when I knew that they were dangerous for me. You could ask yourself, is this what I need? want? I feel for you. I have been there and it's damaging to your self esteem, and to your logic and ability to see it how it is. Best of luck on figuring this out.
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It took me twelve years to leave my sons father who got more and more violent till one day he strangled me. I think sometimes I feel this is not physical so its not as bad. But I feel as bad as when I was physically abused many times. Really emotionally its not any different. My son talked to me last night saying do you think you are going to feel good and be happy if you stay with him? I told him I don't think so and I don't know why I feel I need this man. I don't know and my son says he is not going to change and he is always attentive at first but once he gets comfortable again that he has me back he will stop doing the nice things and he won't treat me well again. I know my son is right. My son is 17 by the way....he is smarter than mom already! He said he has seen me do this since he was 9 years old and he has seen him change a little but very little then it wears off. I see that too how he will be good to me for a period of time then he will change back to his regular self and disregard my feelings usually out of anger because I speak up for myself. A lot of it is lack of communication if I discuss any problem we encounter or try to resolve any issue. He is fine as long as everything I say is superficial and has not feeling tied to it.
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Radrm ~ This is a highly abusive/toxic relationship on both ends. You are co dependant on him and he keeps reeling you back in and playing on your emotions.
My suggestion is to leave him FOR GOOD....NO GOING BACK.... and seek couseling for yourself. You have repeating behaviors of going back for more abuse and you are the only one who has the power to stop it. He is not the only fish in the sea and yet you run back to him and wast a lot of precious time and energy trying to see if he will change. You can't change anyone but yourself!!! He (or anyone) only treats you the way you ALLOW them to! Again.....get counseling for yourself to help you with your self esteem and to work on YOUR issues of abuse from the past. You deserve better!
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You wonder why you do this to yourself. You feel you are not worthy of a healthy relationship and it's better than being alone. You need to stand up for you and even if it hurts it will only be short term. This isn't healthy for your son to see either of how you let men treat you. You continue to go back to you so you are allowing his behavior to happen. If you choose to leave you will then respect yourself enough to say no more. Think about it. Do you want to spend another 5 years miserable. I bet this would help your anxiety tremendously. Staying in this environment does not help your health. Best to you!
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