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Accepting I'm Agnostic?
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Well, here's a post I've always been afraid to make. After 33 years on this spinning rock, living in the Bible belt, I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm agnostic. It's not for lack of trying to be a believer. I have read book after book on apologetics, went to church and tried to feel what everyone else seems to, prayed my heart out but to no avail. All I get is crickets, silence. I could never break the news to my sweet parents who are dedicated Christians. I'm torn b/c I don't know what to teach my kids but I also don't want them to end up like me, trying to believe something all my life and then coming to the realization after college that my scientific mind way overpowers my religious one. Most of my anxiety is rooted in my fear of death. I never used to worry about it until I started to think "what if this really is it?" "What if there's nothing else?" For some reason, that terrifies me to the point I have tried to force myself to believe just to keep from being so scared. It's just not working, I think I'm just agnostic. I'm not an Atheist, I just think that no one can really know for sure. I hate feeling so conflicted. I have a couple of friends who have gone through this transition and come out on the other end feeling freed and more motivated and determined to enjoy this life b/c they believe this is all there is. They feel free b/c they no longer believe someone is sitting on a cloud waiting to bring wrath if they don't do everything right. I get that but why can't I feel that way? Why can't I make peace with it? Why does something in me still long for something to believe in? Pretty deep for a Monday, huh? :)
Posted on 05/14/12, 06:52 pm
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Reply #1 - 05/14/12  7:18pm
" Hello, I am a Christian. If you want to discuss something feel free to message me. "
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Reply #2 - 05/14/12  7:19pm
" That is a tough one for sure. I actually don't have much in the way of advice even... I do think that if one tries to analyze it too much it seems to make less sense. As a nurse i have heard some stories from people that make me believe there is something else out there but i don't know what that really is...

But hey, is that Richard Simmons???? "
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Reply #3 - 05/14/12  7:28pm
" I think in this case, I just wanted to know why I believed as I did other than the fact that my family has for centuries. When I got right down to the meat of it, it wasn't enough to keep me on the boat. I just don't see the proof as to why the Bible is any more reliable or true than any other ancient text. My brain craves evidence and I just can't find it as far as that is concerned. Josie, I've heard lots of stories to that give me hope and I like reading about NDE's. I take comfort in the fact that we are energy and it can't be created or destroyed and has to move on. I have several friends who are doctors and I enjoy hearing their views and beliefs as far as that stuff is concerned.

Yes, that's Richard. People always get a kick out of that photo. i was about 15 and he came to my hometown to promote a cookbook I think. "
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Reply #4 - 05/14/12  7:29pm
" if you ever read any of my journals you already know that i do have a relationship with JESUS not here to judge you or your beliefs.but if you are interested in just talking this situation out,by all means im here 4 u.much love many prayers.maddie. "
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Reply #5 - 05/14/12  7:41pm
" I was nervous this weekend bc I had to work and was haVing my first surgery ever today, Monday morning, and realized Friday I had not been to church in a long time. There was no way I could make any service and as I was taking my dog out for a walk I felt compelled to just pray in my mind, to myself, in nature. I'm agnostic as well but struggle with the same things you do. I've decided to just accept i'm me. No one else, I respect others beliefs as they should respect mine. I don't have much advice other than just apply what's right to you, i'm still working on accepting everything I just said though lol. I started following Dr. Wayne Dyer and love and relate to his daily affirmations and blog :) you should check it out! "
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Reply #6 - 05/14/12  7:48pm
" You guys are sweet and I thank you for you kind intent but I just don't think it's for me. If it was, I wouldn't be having to try to force it. Thank you so much though. "
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Reply #7 - 05/14/12  7:49pm
" Thanks Sunsets. I also like Wayne Dyer a lot! "
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Reply #8 - 05/14/12  7:49pm
" Have you considered exploring other ideas? You might find something else that touches your heart, "
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Reply #9 - 05/14/12  8:21pm
" Once you have a profound spiritual experience you wont need the Bible or the Koran to beleive. Before that visitation it is all head knowledge.

I have has several and there is no question that a power greater than us that keeps the universe in harmony is real. "
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Reply #10 - 05/14/12  8:34pm
" I know how you feel. I was brainwashed in elementary school by my religion teachers. I was crazy overboard with the no sinning thing. I would always tell people, "that;s a sin". And i used to pray to God and do this thing in my head that my religion teachers taught us. Like going to this place in our heads where God is. Like i can kinda still remember it. It was this big door with a big key whole and i would open it and everything in my head was in files in there. Idk it was so weird but when i went to bed before i fell asleep in would go there and talk to go. Sounds crazy to me now. Altho i felt so much comfort back then. I wasnt scared to die. it helped my anxiety a lot to know someone was watching out for me. I used to believe in guardian angels too! That helped too!

We stopped going to church when i was in 5th grade. I cant really tell you much about being catholic as i sucked in school so i had trouble learning in religion. Anyways, over the years religion got further and further away from me. right now i feel like God is like Santa Claus, you believe in him when your a kid but then you learn as you get older that he isnt real. So now it;s like how do i get myself to believe again, it's like trying to get yourself to believe in Santa Clause again. It just seems so fake. But that really scares me as i have a huge fear of death and if there is nothing after that really scares me. I dont want to just be gone and never be with my family and bf again. I recently went to a wake and i was looking at the body and my brain just couldnt understand that she was alive before. I kept looking for a pulse of breathing but i couldnt find anything. It just didnt make sense.

I am at a lose of what to do. I kinda want to go back to church but i fear having to sit that long and being anxious with all the people plus i didnt understand the priest then i'm sure i still wont know. Also it will feel like i said before trying to believe in Santa Clause. Anyways i know how you feel, hope you can get to a better place!!! "

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