Amnesia Support Group

I'm at a loss sometimes. When I think of my dad. He was convicted in March and sentenced to 490 years plus three life without parole sentences for molesting my daughters and for possessing child porn. The only way the cops knew to take the computers during the search of his house was because my 11 yr old daughters told them what was on the computer..... they described everything on the computers to the cops, and bingo, they found it all..... It was only after they came forward, that I began to remember what he did to me as a kid... I always thought it was normal not to remember your childhood..... it was always in bits and pieces and always good stuff.... but when my dad and i were around each other, i was never really comfortable around him and I didn't know why.... My therapist, m.d. doctor, and my psychiatrist have all three diagnosed me with dissociative amnesia... So when the girls came forward and my memories started coming to me, the cops,,,, before my dad even knew the girls came forward,,,, put a recording device on my phone and I called my dad and talked to him about the memories I had that were coming back to me.... He admitted to everything he ever did to me and said he only did that cause I wasn't his bio daughter... That floored me. I had never knew that he wasn't my real dad.. 30 years of thinking that he was my dad only to find out, I don't know who my real dad is. My mom is in prison and now he is in prison and I have no family left except for my hubby and four kids. I miss my dad. I love my dad. I don't want my dad in prison and I want him to be happy and comfortable. But I want the "monster" who did this stuff to my girls to rot in prison for the rest of his life. How can i love someone and hate them at the same time.... so much. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and all I can think of is that my dad is in prison and i want him to rot, but i miss him too..... i am so confused... It's hard to comprehend. I really don't think everything has sunk in yet, but now that it's all over, the trial, his conviction, his sentencing,,,, I still feel like something is unfinished... Like there's more to do, say, take care of.... I don't know if this is normal..... none of this is normal.... this should never have happened.... my kids should still be innocent and not know what "sex" is.... I shouldn't know what it's like to have something like this happen to me and my girls..... and sometimes I feel so guilty... Like why didn't I remember, so that I could protect my daughters.... omg, what kind of mother am I?
Posted on 08/09/09, 04:08 am