Alzheimer's Disease Support Group

I also am wondering if I will know when I can no longer care of my mother who is 89. My father became violent toward me and my mother and had demanding health issues in additon to the AD.My mother could not deal with him at all. He refused to take medication. He became so violent the police were called by a neighbor and he was put into a psych hospital, declared incompetent and to a nursing home from there. Some times the decision just comes along with no choice.

My dad was in a nursing home for 2 years before he died. He was treated very well and it was a good place. He wasn't medicated into compliance but was very calm there. When he was physically ill he was in and out of rehab facilities which also had long term care. I saw how horrible even the expensive, on the surface beautiful places can be. I saw poop left in the hall, patients left in table front chairs (like a high chair so they can't get out of the chair) all day with no attention. I've seen horrible bed sore patients which is abuse. There are good and bad places and cost isn't an indicator.

I guess I would say what others have said here. While it sounds bad that your husband pees places, if he did that in a nursing home, he would probably be medicated or restrained from moving about so he couldn't do that (the chairs are widely used for this). Or he'd keep doing what he does at home and no one would pay attention (like the poop I saw in the hall floor in the one nursing home).

I now live with my mom who has AD. I constantly change the house to accommodate changes in her mental abilities. I also do a lot of research to know what might be coming. And, peeing everywhere seems to be common. Me, I'll probably tear up carpet and put down cheap linoleum...well you get the idea. I have peel and stick incontinent pads that I put into my moms underwear as she is changing to her pjs for bedtime. She fusses some times but forgets about it 2 seconds later. The diaper full style caused her to get so mad I couldn't get then on her. Her own underpants were something she understood.

My criteria for when do I need to consider nursing home care - is she a danger to herself or to me, is her health worse by staying at home, and does she really need skilled nursing care 24/7. And finally, can I stay healthy physically and emotionally to take care of her. Some days I think I've burned out and am crazy. But my mom doesn't remember anything so in 2 minutes she forgets that I have lost my ability to deal and I'm reminded that I'm really ok, and we start over. I get tired of thinking all the time of how to deal. But in the end, I am glad I have my mom and I can help her.

It is such a difficult decision. Whatever you decide know that your husband is loved by you and is getting the best you can give. People on this website are here to listen and help. Let us know how you do. Take care of yourself.

Dear Boxermom.
We placed my mom in a nursing home last year. She only lasted one month. We took her back home. The person that my sister and i spoke to when we went to consult with her. Lied to us. She said so many things that were not true. My mom had a problem being left alone. She would panic! Panic! Panic! We hired a care taker to take care of her during the day so she would'nt be alone. Because, Including myself, we all had to work. She had 16 kids. Imagine that. 16 kids and no one to take care of you. How sad is that? I was living with her at the time of our decision. I found myself so many times at that facility at midnight. Mainly because i always feared that someone would harm her. We would get there in the moring and she would be all dirty.. hands full of poop, pamper all over the place. And the girls that worked there, well there respons would be "we will get to her when her time comes", You see ma'am, people in those kinds of facilites DO NOT, DO NOT, have time to care for a person individually. They all have to wait for their turn. Wait until the staff has time to clean them. Staff also get certain time to feed and individual, so if the individual, like for example my mom does not want to eat simply because she is lost or dont know the person, or her stomach hurts.. well they wont be fed at all, cuz time is money and they have to move on to the next person. So basically, what i am saying is for you to really see all the options that you have. But if you have a weak heart and will not be able to handle seeing your love one all dirty, not taken care of, or simply worrying all day whether someone is hurting him. Or not been able to sleep at night because ur wondering what the hell is going on with him. Dont do it. Hire someone to help you. It is hard. Very hard. But at the end, you will have that in your heart that you did all you could to help them. Believe me that is what mends my heart a little. Now that my mom is gone. Hope things work out fine for you.

Thanks so much for all the comments.

I have enrolled him in a day program at the area agency on aging and he seems to like it. He gets to be with people other than just me and interacts well with them. They do a lot of things such as exercise, play games, etc.

He goes there from 10 a.m to 4 p.m. and it gives me a chance to grocery shop or run errands or just sit at home and relax for a few hours.

Again, thanks everyone.
Boxermomm

Linda, the time varies from person to person, and, as long as you care about them, there really IS not wrong answer. The factors vary from family to family, and so it very difficult to tell someone else when that time has come. For myself, the decision was sort of made for me. My sister and I took guardianship, and we intended to keep Dad at home, with help, if I needed it. My sister was so close to retirement, with a very good financial package, that we agreed that it made no sense for her to quit when she was that close. But things escalated with Dad's condition when we began to take control of him, and it quickly became obvious that keeing him at home was not an option, nor was taking him to the office. We took over his business at the same time that we took gaurdianship of him, and had to completely revamp it, too, getting rid of some people who were using his illness to take advantage of him. Anyway, to make a very long story short, we realized that we had more to deal with than we could handle, and the decision was made to move Dad into an Alzheimers care unit. It worked out very well for him, as it reset his complusion to be at work. He actually decided that he WAS at his business, and we all played into that, and he was very happy there for the few years that he had left. We stayed very involved, and still were able to manage his affairs.

So, to conclude, this is a decision that only you and your family can make, and you have to weigh all the factors involved and decide what is the best for all of you. Good luck!

It is time when you make that decision. for me it would never be time. However everyone has their own threshold of caregiving. I know it is not easy. Nursing homes dont do anything as well as you. the patients are drugged, clothes are stolen,no one really cares unless you are there all the time. If you have to be there all the time, then why put them there? My bf did this to his mom. he didnt want to change his lifestyle. He isnt my bf anymore. Even after he saw the care level in the best home around us he still allows it soit dosent affect his life. Didnt our parents wipe us when we were children/ There is outside help avivable , I am just saying what I would do.

Thanks everyone.

I have decided to put him in an adult day care program two days a week, which gives me some time to grocery shop, go to the mall or visit family by myself. He seems to be adjusting really well and with some time away from each other, both of us seem to deal better with the everyday problems we face.. Thanks for all your advice but I am going to try this for awhile. Our Long Term Care Insurance will also allow me some respite time to regroup so I can face another week.

It's sad to have to say but I have had the same experience km has had I was reading her post and it described my mom's situation to a tee and I just had to do the best I could with the situation because I couldn't keep her because I have too many medical problems my self and the other kids acted as if they weren't responsible to help take care of her so it pretty much left me to do what I could. I sure do wish you all well in finding one of the good homes because I was told both homes that I put mom in was great and was very disappointed . The second home she wasn't there but little over a month and they let her fall break a hip then after bringing her back after surgery where she couldn't recover from the anesthesia and wasn't able to swallow and they fed her the wrong food and she choked to death. Every one was telling me what a wonderful home and it ended up be a bad one in my opinion. Good luck