What is Alzheimers Disease
Alzheimer's disease (AD), a neurodegenerative disease, is the most common cause of dementia and characterized clinically by progressive cognitive deterioration together with declin...
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When my mom got alzheimers and my dad got to the point that he couldn't take care of her by himself, he asked one of my sisters if she would be willing. She left a managerial position and moved in with him with her husband and two of her kids. My oldest sister, an RN with Hospice at the time, said that she didn't "do geriatrics, and my Dad had made an unholy alliance in desperate measures". My youngest sister said that she had a family of her own to take care of and she didn't have to help, "mom said". My sister and I both still had 6 year olds at home. My brother helped out my dad when needed and eventually his new wife would send meals over. The church for four years sent meals several times a week, and I brought up a meal every Saturday (I missed a few) from 90 miles away for five years. My dad had a huge barn and arena built on his place so that my sister could have an income while taking care of Mom. My mom's sisters never had a problem with her care, and after 5 years my mom didn't have a bedsore until the two weeks before she passed away at 72, Hospice was impressed with how well her skin looked. I never had any nurse training but tried to help my sister as much as possilbe and could take over when she had to be away. My problem is that the two sisters who didn't help, treat my sister who did with contempt and ignore her like she doesn't exist. She still lives with my Dad and covers most of the bills for him. Both these sisters are heavy into the church and loudly carry their faith outwardly but have nasty downgrading comments about me and my sister and my sister's family. It's hard because although we have the same beliefs we can't do a reconciliation because they are the type that sits way up on the pedestal and look down their noses at us as if we are beneath them. It's really bad, I'm just touching on the problem and know we weren' t raised like this. My mom was a very devout, giving, woman and raised us to Love the Lord, but this is beyond explanation.
Posted on 08/28/09, 08:08 am |
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You can embrace your sister and others who cared for Mom and Dad with your love and support. Pull on your strong beliefs to forgive the ones who are ignorant.
Here is a favorite poem that we all need to read occasionally. The Man In the Glass By Dale Wimbrow 1934 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf and the world makes you king for a day, Just go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what that man has to say for it isn't your Father ,Mother or Wife whose judgment upon you must pass... The fellows verdict that counts most in your life is the one starring back from the glass. Some people might say your a straight shootin chum and call you a wonderful guy but the man in the mirror says your only a bum if you can't look him straight in the eye - he's the fellow to please never mind all the rest for he's with you clear to the end and you've passed your most dangerous test if the man in the glass is your friend. You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years and get pats on your back as you pass - but your final reward will be heart ache and tears if you've cheated the man in the glass.... By Dale Wimbrow 1934-. 
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Sometimes one of the truly awful things about this disease is not only what happens to the patient and caregiver but what it does to a family. I think you will find that your story is very common, sadly. In my situation, my husband's kids from a previous marriage (kids-HA, ages 41, 37 and 29 are not kids!) have nothing to do with their dad and even told me that he deserves to have this illness. My husband gave those kids EVERYTHING! And they are also 'Christian" and very active in their churches. They will help strangers but not lift a finger for their dad. (I am not criticizing Christians, just these ones) My husband's doctor and my own psychologist have explained to me that this behavior comes from THEIR guilt over not doing what they knew they should have.
It is painful, I know, but you need to take comfort in the fact that YOU did all you could (and your sister too) and also that God KNOWS. My psych also told me this and I find that it helps. "Friends are the family you choose for yourself." You have no choice who your siblings are BUT you can make your own family with friends who truly care about you. In my case my ex-in-laws are helpful and welcoming to my husband than his own family. There are kind helpful people out there and they probably aren't going to be your family so you need to find peace where you can.
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Thank you for your encouraging words. It is depressing, because we can't have a get together without two of them and the one's husband making these disparaging remarks all the time. Then they go before the church like they are victims, it's frustrating and they make it sound like my sister, who was the caregiver is such a bad person. It is absolutely awful and I've tried to talk with them and they get really ugly. So because they are so involved in the church, they say they are putting boundaries on some "bad" relationships and not allowing them to have access to their lives. I could go on, it is that bad. I struggle with it, because we weren't raised like that and I have no idea how to solve the problem. But thanks for being so encouraging, I forwarded the letters to my sis. :)
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In my opinion there are those that do and those that talk -- those that do are the real ones - it is easy to talk the talk but the test is when you have to walk the walk. Forget them - their loss - you and your other caring sister did what was right and you know it. The others will get their punishment and it will be eternal. Hold your head high and know that you did what was right. When you say the others look down their noses at you - well guess what - you are obviously a much better person than they so don't you worry....it will be fine and if that is their way of living then you really don't need to weigh yourself down with them. Be proud - and when you close your eyes at night you can sleep well!!!!
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pea- It was hard but once I cut myself off from my husband's nasty daughters I felt free. I thought I wouldn't be able to do it- that I 'SHOULD" maintain some kind of relationship with them but once I made the decision to terminate our relationship I really a weight lifted off of me. Trust me you may feel a little sad at first but once they are out of your life you WILL feel better.
And being a Christian doesn't mean going to church it means 'living' it.
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It is a terribly sad comment on human nature but diseases like alzheimers will quickly show you who your real friends and family are and believe me just being related to someone by blood does NOT make them family.
There are probably many reasons why some people pull away at times like this. A big one is fear. They cannot face the impending death of a loved one, they cannot face the pain and problems that will lead the way to that death and they cannot face the reminder that they to will die someday (even those who supposedly have strong religious faiths which are supposed to sustain them in times of trial). That fear can tear a family apart in ways that may never mend. Worse then the fear is the fact that some people are just plain selfish, self centered and care nothing for others. We don't like to think that someone we have loved our whole lives can be that way but illness and death bring out the deepest levels of greed and self involvement and that to may never be healed. You may forgive them in time for their behavior, if so do it for your own souls needs and not for them for be sure they would not do so for you but only a fool would open their hearts and homes back up to these people. They may say they are Christian but there is nothing Christ like in their behavior and in the end their hypocracy will be known where it counts.
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