Alzheimer's Disease Support Group

Don't be so hard on yourself, just remember you are doing this for her good and keeping her safe. As for your Dad it's nice of you to want to have him with you, I'm sure he'll appreciate all that you are doing.

I think one of the hardest parts of placing someone in a nursing home is knowing, at some level, it is the next major step on their way to the end of life and when we love them so much we do not want to face that knowledge. I think this keeps many of us working until we're in danger of being sick ourselves because as long as they are at home and we can care for them we can try to convince ourselves they are not as far gone as we know they are.
Your dad may regain some of his energy and enjoyment of life but the sad fact is that he also may feel lost wihtout your mom there for him to take care of. When people have been so close and such a part of each others lives these kinds of changes, even when done for the best reasons, do not always produce the results we hope for. I do hope your dad has interests and friends that he can reconnect wiht now that he is not so focused on caring for your mom. Bless you all, none of this is easy.

Thanks to everyone who replied. The responses have been very helpful to me. Today I went and visited the two nursing homes I am interested in. I have decided on the one which is very good and close proximity for dad and myself. The plan is now set. We are seeing her Dr on Tuesday and she will be admitted to the dementia unit the following day, Wednesday. I spoke with my father and he will come to my home the same day. I dont want him to be alone during this adjustment time and I want him to have all the food he will eat without the worry of shopping for it or preparing it. My husband is in agreement with dad coming here. Dad is easy to be around. He understands my husband and I need time alone. I know it will not be totally easy. Dad will be going through a very very difficult emotional adjustment. That will cause some stress. My 10 year old grand daughter has been at my home for the past week or so. One would think this would be a terrible time for her to visit but it is just the opposite. She keeps me focused on living. I do what I have to do then we go swimming for an hour or so. My grand daughter said the same thing "loveyorks" said. She says, " Nana, dont try so hard to be brave, it is okay to cry". Out of the mouth of babes. I feel some better today knowing what is going to happen and knowing other things such as financials etc have been completed for a very long time. Thanks again. Marcia

I'm glad you've had your granddaughter there with you, the young and the old, the two ends of the cycle of life. There will come a day when she is comforting her parents because of your age and/or illnesses and that is as it should be. Will she still be there when your dad comes to stay? I know it can be hard on the elderly to have such vibrant energy around them but it is also good for them to feel it and remember when that energy was them.

My grand daughter is going home Sunday afternoon. She wil not be here when we take mom to the nursing home or while dad is adjusting to all of this. Think that would be to much of a strain on a child. In a few weeks if dad is here it would be good for all of us to have her youthful energy around. This gets harder and harder the closer it gets. For my father, it cant come fast enough now. That shows how fatigued he is. Marcia

My father passed away 2 years ago, and I had to move in with my mom because she has AD. Ayear ago it got to the point where she couldn't be left alone and she wouldn't accept someone stayigng with her while I was at work. She did agree to a retirement home, and I had a huge amount of guilt over not keeping her in her own home. But she actually is better off in the retirement home because now my energy is used for taking her out and giving her some enjoyment in life. When I was living with her, it was all I could d o to work full time and take care of her house and then get to my house once a week to deal with stuff there. She gets her meds consistently, so her blood pressure has been great. ANd living in a small apartment has been easier for her brain to cope with than a big house. ANd the structure and routine they provide at the retirement home is really good for her too, as she continues to deteriorate. She gets better care at the home becasue they have a staff to do things for her, rather than just me who is also obliged to work for a living. And to be honest, the stress level is still high but not as intolerable as it was when I was living with her. I have come to realize that sometimes it gets to the point where they need more care than family can give. So that has eased my guilt a lot.

Thanks for the post bic, I have a feeling the stress is not over. I think it will just be different. I do hope that I can again be mom's daughter and not her caregiver. I hope my dad and I get along at my house. Dad is so worn out that I dont want him alone at his place. He is 91 and am sure he doesnt want to have to bother with anything anymore. Dad will be the second part of the equation. Dad's mind is great and he is easy to get along with. I hope he regains some of his strength so he can safely return home in a month or so. I am getting myself exhausted before this even begins. Marcia