Alcoholism Support Group

I believe in God. My faith has never faltered through all of the messiness my life has seemed. At the worst points in my life, I could not pray because I didn't feel worthy. I could only "look" at God and rock myself to sleep. During better periods of my life, I have gone to church every Sunday. My prayer is always something along the lines of "Give me the strength to withstand and the wisdom to see beyond." I pray for inspiration, hope, and clarity. As a child, all I prayed for was that my parents died happy. My dad died a miserable death and was depressed and withdrawn to the end. He never stopped drinking. He was Franciscan monk prior to leaving the vocation to have a family and he never gave up his vows of poverty and never turned his back on God.

I have spent my life tempting fate. My subconscious aim is self destruction. I can't forgive myself for the life I have led and, therefore, cannot sincerely ask God for forgiveness. There have been moments where I was blessed with Grace, fleeting glimpses of surrender. During these times, I asked God for mercy. I asked God for help that he would release me from my addiction for a moment so that I could gather my strength and senses. I made promises. It was beautiful, a miracle! God took my cravings away for a day. Do you know what I did without the craving, without the urge? I deliberately forgot my plea and willfully chose to drink or get high anyway. Then I skipped mass that very Sunday. ...This miracle has been given to me on several occasions after which I never failed to deny it.

I am in a place now, I cannot ask forgiveness until I forgive myself. I cannot ask for miracles if I am going to subsequently ignore them. I have flipped God the bird so many times, how in hell can I continue to ask for His grace? Tell me this. I can't ask for help anymore. I used up those tokens a long time ago. Now it is up to me to do some work for myself, and in time, a long time, maybe I will feel worthy again.

I cannot pray for myself now. Even praying for those I love is difficult. I can only look at God and hope for undeserved mercy.

That was for you, ABeliever. What say you?
Posted on 11/07/09, 10:11 am