What is Alcoholism
Alcoholism is a powerful craving for alcohol which often results in the compulsive consumption of alcohol, an addiction. The cause of this craving is heavily debated, but the most ...
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Trusting love and sex again...
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I could write a book on this subject. I'm truly concerned that my heart and soul will be forever blocked by the pain I've experienced in the past couple of years. A pain so deep and life changing that I "tripped the alcohol trigger" into a big black hole to escape the pain.
I am not mad at the man in question, I wish him the very best. I probably still love him. It is not about him or what he did or did not do...it is about me feeling like I couldn't imagine life without him and feeling in love for the first time at age 47. I guess it was the only time I allowed myself to be vulnerable to feeling in love and having so much passion for a man, and I only got burnt, really burnt. I've never gone through that kind of pain before even though I've had other relationships along the years. None of them almost "killed" me off emotionally, and none of them almost caused me to "kill" myself off physically with the alcohol and with 2 overdoses. I was lost for the first time in my life. Thankfully I find myself healing from the self-medication of alcohol and the lifting of my Major Depression issues, but at the same time I'm becoming more aware of my "wall of protection." I don't let any man near me that might hurt me, which means any man I might be able to care for. It makes me sad because I'm a very loving and passionate woman who does not want to grow old alone as they say. I truly wonder if I'll ever be able to love again??? I'm not sure I'd make it through another loss, especially at this time in my life. Posted on 11/05/09, 09:11 pm |
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Alice. I'm sorry for your pain and hope and pray that you can find this one you seek, and allow him into your heart.
You strike me as wise. What is said of things being revealed? PEACE 
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hmmmm.................emotions start sand end with self. it takes time to over come the anger, disappointment and fairy dust.
my ex found her knight in shining armor .......the grass is always greener on the other side....until you have to mow it. question self, but never condemn...............you have heart. the real question is can you extend it? i do whisper for you to find peace.
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Alice, I'm certain you will be able to trust and love again. One of the core issues that debilitates most of us is abandonment. I believe once you begin to grieve this loss, the wall will slowly come down brick by brick. Most importantly, once that wall starts to fall away, you will find the self worth to love yourself and know that you are deserving of true and honest love. There are no guarantees with love. Depriving yourself of any loving opportunity is self inflicted bondage that you never deserve. Caring for and nurturing your needs and wants will help you to heal and grow spiritually and emotionally. I really think that learning to trust and have faith in yourself will allow you to feel free to love again.
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Alice, you are a very caring and bright woman. I feel I never have the wisdom to open eyes on here, but I will anyway... In time, and when you are ready, you will find love. Don't rush it. You are still healing, my friend. Hang in there. Have faith. Love will come to you.
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sorry for your pain. if losing a lover is all it takes for you to drink, maybe going without for a while and getting ok alone and working on your sobriety is a good idea.
everyone leaves everyone, one way or another. when it happens again, hopefully you'll be solid enough to be able to survive that event sober. if our sobriety is conditional on them not leaving us, or loving us well, or anything else, we're screwed.
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hey alice, I am with you. I have a feeling that like attracts like. If I am joyful, happy, free and at peace with myself-not "needing" another but if that happened great-then at that time I will attract someone who is similar in health. I do not want anything to do with men who are dishonest and sneaky-and I seem to have attracted that type in the past. SOooooo, I am working on me-and if it takes until I am 60 to be the kind of person who is whole and stable enough to attract that similar kind of person-than I will wait. We all need to be ok with ourselves, and having another is just icing on the cake. To put so much on someone else is not healthy and will attract unstable types I think.
You work on Alice now-I think you are a really cool, insightful women, have so much going for you! Take care of you and get your inner light in fabulous shimmering order.
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HHhhhmmm
A relationship did a similiar trip to me. I have not dated in the last 7-8 yrs because I chose not to feel that pain...yes I may be cut off from some joy...but...the pain I avoid means more. I don't trust. I am older....and now completely happy being alone, I do have good friends and my kids. I had to look at why I felt I needed someone....as my hormones wane I think that I am able to think clearer...no longer driven by that base sexual need. I usually see lies quicker w/people....but very often still believe someone who is lying to me. It can work out either way, with or without someone....but my sobriety and serenity is what keeps me willing to be alive.
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it has been several years without a relationship for me in the sense you describe but i have wonderful friendships with the opposite sex. i even live with one but we do not do the drama of being involved with each other as partners. quite frankly, both of us are no prize i look like medusa in the morning and he looks like farmer dale without his teeth late at night and both of us are class a a-holes sometimes). i suggest you become everything you were looking for in a significant other. you'll most likely find yourself inundated with possibilities then. just hold on and it will happen.....
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memories come whooshing in, I had the same thing happen to me on my 1st year continualy sober. OUCH it was a bad one, but I eventually realized that it was all my emotional pain from years and years of being anaethetized by booze, and I got it all in one go. I managed not to drink and now I dont feel anything so acutely as I did that time. Peace
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I'm glad you were able to write publically about this experience Alice. I'll bet once you put it out there you felt a real sense of peace. You have to feel really good about yourself for being able to move on with your life. The pain will fade as will the scars. Hopefully the great memories and times shared will remain. I really do believe its IS better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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