Alcoholism Support Group

I would say that the 12 step program would not be telling you that having your wallet stolen is your fault or responsibility but that how you react to it is your responsibility.

Of course it is completely natural to feel angry when something like this happens. Anybody would do. The steps dont tell us that we cant be angry. What they do say is that we need to be free of anger. ie not to hold onto it and bottle it up in an unhealthy way so that it turns into a long standing resentment.

I think that a lot of people think that anger and resentment are the same thing and that is not necessarily so. Resentment is anger that we keep re-feeling over and over again so that we are still angry about something long after it has happened.

What i find is that when something like this happens I do feel angry but gradually that anger is replaced by acceptance, not that the thing that happened was right, but that it did happen and there is nothing I can do to change that. I take the action necessary that I can to resolve the situation eg replacing stolen items etc and then the event becomes something in the past rather than something I keep relieving in the present.

Hope this is helpful in some way.

btw forgot to say. Sorry to hear about all your stuff getting taken, it does feel like a violation, i have experienced similar myself several times. Not to mention all the inconvenience of sorting it all out. Hope it can all get replaced as smoothly as possible.

You seem to be referring to page 67 of AA Big Book, 3rd paragraph.. but you only quoted one short sentence, when there are approximately 3 and a half pages in that particular chapter regarding resentments. " It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We have found that it is fatal. For when haboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die." AA Big Book pg 66 para 2. You have every reason to be upset that you were robbed in your own home, and I do not believe that the BB is saying that you are at fault for being wronged by another person. I think that what it is telling us is that if we hope to grow spiritually and to maintain that growth we have to learn to become free of anger over things from our past and/or things that we cannot control(pretty much everything), whether real injustices or imagined ones. In asking us to look for our part in the event that has rubbed us raw, I believe the Big Book is encouraging us to step outside of ourselves and to look at the entire scenario, not just focus on the fact that things didn't go the way we feel they should have or that we were wronged. It's not you're fault that you were robbed, but it is your responsibilty to keep your own side of the street clean and to focus on doing the right thing yourself and not dwelling the wrongdoing of others. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Hang in there.

I agree with Nicky, that your wallet was stolen is not because of something you did and so are not responsible for that fact.

In AA we are ask to continue to look inside and to learn to become responsible for our inner life and that would refer to our emotions.

In this case, it is easy to see how you can be angry at what has happened.

Now that it has happened (a fact that nothing can undo) can you accept that what has happened, has actually happened?

When we don't accept something that has happened, we create resistance and continue anger and suffering for ourselves and, inevitably, for those around us. Our resistance to what has already happened is creating pain for ourselves-we are actually creating more suffering in the form of anger and pain by simply not being able to say Yes to the reality of what has taken place.

Acceptance of what happened does not mean you agree with what has happened, just that you can agree that it has happened. Once you can say, yes, this has happened (and drop the idea that it shouldn't have happened, or even, I can't believe this has happened, then you stop creating resistance to the fact that your wallet has been stolen and you stop creating more pain and more anger for yourself.

In this case the Serenity Prayer is a useful measuring stick for what we, as humans, are capable of accepting. It says, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. In your case, you cannot go back in time and change the fact that your wallet has been stolen.

The initial shock of having your wallet stolen created an initial pain as your mind does not want to believe what has happened, but now, it is up to you to see the reality of what has happened, stop resisting what has happened and stop creating more pain for yourself.

Having said all that, the mind will continue to try to resist the event and you may continue to feel moments of anger(really pain created from resisting what has happened). However, as soon as you can plainly say Yes to what has happened, take a deep breath, you may start to feel less angry and more peaceful.

As you start to bring peace into yourself, through accepting this moment and all that has occurred, there is no reason why you cannot take action in trying to get back the wallet, or start to get back the information lost.

Sometimes, because you have already reacted and created a lot of inner pain, you may have to look at how you feel and start the process by accepting how you feel at this moment.

I pretty much agree with the gist of the responses here. Of course, it wasn't your fault that your wallet was stolen and it's normal and healthy to be angry as long as it doesn't turn into a longstanding resentment that eats you up inside. BUT... I know that there are some people in the rooms who confuse anger with resentment and who give bad advice. You don't have to trust the opinion of any body you don't know very well just because they go to the same meeting as you. I hope you bring that scum to justice.

I have to agree with nondrinker on this, Im brand new to this site. and, sober as i am, i would be furious at whomever took my stuff out of my house. absolutely unacceptable and absolutely normal and healthy for you to be angry!! That being said, however, we all need to use discretion in whom we invite into our lives. let alone into our homes. I wish you the best of luck in getting your stuff back nicky. you said you 'thought' you know who did it.. be sure. like i said, im totally new to this so bear with me.... wishin you the best -erik

i called you nicky, was lookin at other reply... my bad. :) take care

I am not a hard core "AA way or the highway" type, but I think you are misinformed about the teachings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I totally agree with what advice you have been given, but I would encourage you to study the "AA way" for yourself.

It is pretty apparent that you have some animosity for twelve-step programs in general. I would take a good hard look at why you feel this way. Perhaps you have not given this stuff a fair shake. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if what I am doing is keeping the booze or drugs otta' ya'. "My whole life depends on not taking that first drink!"

I am sorry that you were robbed and you are entitled to your feelings of violation. All people are saying is to use this experience in which to grow. In addition, most of these things need to be worked out with your support group and NOT by yourself! DON'T ISOLATE!!!

Wayne-