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Discussion:
Lonliness disappears, right?
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In my early sobriety I had more people from my AA family that I was closer with than now. I lived next to my best friend in the program, I spoke with my sponsor everyday. I eventually moved in with some AA roomates and forced myself to call others even when I didnt want to. Now the "best friends" that I had in AA are gone. My best friend stopped coming and some stupid shit broke my friend and me apart. Those relationships discouraged me to be open to new people. Its like Im really lonely, but I dont do anything to be apart of. My sponsor has been MIA for a few weeks now and It takes all I have to call anyone. It never used to bother me when I was actively drinking to be alone, but now that I have experienced some of the "real world" of friendships and society, I struggle so much with having, or letting others into my life. I do have some people in my life that I can talk to or call whenever I need to but Ive become so insecure with me, as I am dealing with some outside issues, that I'm so worried about what others are gonna think of me, that has yet to disappear also. I dont know how to move forward from this? Ive been stuck in this place for a while now and somethings gotta give.
Posted on 03/23/13, 09:22 pm
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Reply #1 - 03/23/13  9:41pm
" Josh -
Best I can tell you is if you wnat to stay sober, do what you did to get sober. Back into meetings, find another sponsor that has what you want and keep on working the steps and with others. While you're at it, remember that what others may think of you are none of your business - it'll keep your life a lot simpler...

Take care,
Dennis "
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Reply #2 - 03/23/13  9:58pm
" I echo Denny's sentiments, but I want to add, and this is completely reading through the lines of what you wrote, but it seems you might have dove in head first into your past living situation. Please correct me if I am way off!?

I know being a relatively newbie to AA, and once we are exposed to a "new" world, our tendency, based on our alcoholic way of thinking, is to dive into relationships and living head first. I almost fell into this myself.

But after talking plenty to other members and studying the big book and other literature, what I gleaned is that the key to maintaining sobriety is "balance" in all things. If we don't maintain a balance we end up in trouble.

Just a little food for thought!

But definitely return to the rooms, find a new sponsor and keep reworking the program.

Good luck! "
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Reply #3 - 03/23/13  10:37pm
" Sobriety has to be number one when we deal with life on life's terms people will come and go on this journey in recovery. You may want to step back for a moment and take inventory and talk to your sponsor about Disturbances taking place inside of you. We can't change others all we can do is work on ourselves. You may want to get involved in service work and get out of yourself. Isolating and listening to lies in your head is always bad ideal, remember the disease is cunning, Baffling and powerful. "
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Reply #4 - 03/24/13  6:20am
" I do feel for you so much, I could have so made AA my life and would do now if I could but its not real life. I am lucky to still have my husband and kids to keep me safe, but I feel so much safe at AA and church just like you.

But you can't put all your eggs in one basket I suppose, you have o stop worrying about others keep your side of the street clean and don't isolate yourself and don't pick up, it so not worth it as we all know.

I have learnt things will pass and there will be good and bad seasons in life and if it's uncomfortable it means got is getting you prepared for something positive xxxxx "
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Reply #5 - 03/24/13  2:17pm
" Sorry being a bit thick there xxx "
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Reply #6 - 03/24/13  5:38pm
" I think we have to continue to work on things even when we have been sober for a length of time. When I was new in AA I met a lot of other new people and lots of people who had been around a while reached out to me because I was new. To be honest I didn't have to make much effort to "make friends" it just happened, especially as I was in a treatment centre in the city where I live so I got to know lots of people from there too.

But that situation didn't last forever. People drifted away, left AA, relapsed, moved away, I no longer met people from the treatment centre and when I wasn't new in AA anymore other new people came along and got the "newcomer attention". I found out for me it was easier to make surface level friendships than it was to develop ongoing deeper relationships. Suddenly things weren't quite as rosy as they had been.

I found out lots about myself through this - about my difficulty in making friends, tendency to isolate even when sober, fears of being alone but also of letting people get too close, problems with trust, the list goes on. I have come to the conclusion that this is an area of my life I might never find easy. I just keep on working with it to make it better slowly over time. But it does take work and often doing things I find difficult. I think if I just did things I find easy then I would stay uncomfortably in my comfort zone and be very lonely. I also think it is important to look at balance, I wouldn't want my whole life to be about people in AA so I try to use the things I learn there out in the world. Again not always easy but necessary for me.

Also I have learned that I judge myself very harshly so I worry other people will judge me equally harshly. Generally they don't. Remembering that and that if people are really my friends it is ok to take some risks helps me to trust more than I once did.

I hope you are able to change things. Just taking some small steps can result in big changes if we keep on with them. "
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Reply #7 - 03/25/13  6:43am
" Hi Josh, This might not be so much about what to change about you but what to accept about you. I hear some self-esteem knocks in there and that's always going to be hard to build relationships with others when the one with yourself isn't great. You have a sponsor so I'm guessing you've had a crack at the 12 steps. If not, then Denny's suggestion that you find a new sponsor and work the steps might be worth considering.

Josh it's not an easy road to travel at times and for me loneliness has evolved at different stages of my life. I remember when I drank I could sit at a table full of people and feel like I was the only one there. And when I got sober I felt like I was in a holding pattern, just different. But over time there's been some loneliness I enjoy, and some I'd wish there was someone here who understands just to hug.

I know I'm far better sober than when I was drinking and I've found that getting out and involved in the community and finding passions in life has opened doors to new friendships. I'd encourage you to look at things you've always wanted to do. Hidden passions and interests, and getting some exercise in. When i first got sober I committed to a walk in the morning and afternoon and it did help. Also met a few neighbours too.

Josh I hope you can get unstuck and move forward. Even small steps move you from the place you are at the moment. PM me anytime. "
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Reply #8 - 03/25/13  7:58am
" amazing replies! and agree with all of them , you can message me anytime as well. "my difficulty in making friends, tendency to isolate even when sober, fears of being alone but also of letting people get too close, " -Nicky that was well said and priceless.

The fight of sobriety is compromised when we are disapointed by others but be honest with your sponsor like your priest at church but keep it status quo. Meet people at the gym , at the park , broaden your horizon a little more . "
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Reply #9 - 03/25/13  1:21pm
" Glad you are here and posting.
Loneliness is...I think part of the human condition.
I know it comes and goes. I personally have three little kids, a husband, friends in and out of AA and still get lonely at times.
Its part of that "god sized hole" I used to try to fill with booze, and now know that only a spiritual program will fill for me.
So...yes, this too will pass. You know you don't have to drink over it...so don't.
And you also know how to change it....so do. Pick up the phone even when you don't want to or are afraid. Remember you are likely helping the person you are calling as much, and often *more* than you are helping yourself. "

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