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Social misfit
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I feel like a social misfit. I just don't feel as though I fit in anywhere, maybe I never really have. I used to be able to mask any anxiety with booze in my system, or I would pop a few muscle relaxers or pain pills before going into a social setting to help me "relax". Now I just feel awkward no matter where I am it seems, even at work. I never know what to say or how to respond appropriately it seems, I either share too much or too little. There are often awkward silences, or I get nervous and say something stupid that I know to be incorrect. I get so nervous and anxious that I just do not enjoy "hanging out" anymore.
The really messed up part is that I am not good with alone time either. I tend to get depressed and obsess over certain thoughts or ideas, sometimes I self harm. I do not feel like myself without a drink in my hand. It was like liquid confidence. I need to learn how to get that confidence back without alcohol or pills. I do not like the person that I am. I am trying to change that but I am not sure what it is exactly that will make me like myself more. My shrink had me make a list once on what things I thought made a person "good". I think I closely match what's on that list for the most part but I still don't feel "good". I know that my inability to feel connected to others ultimately lies with my inability to "like" myself. It is such a hard thing to change the way you think when you have been thinking that way for over 20yrs. It just seemed so much simpler to grab a drink and fake the funk ya know. I was gonna make this a journal but figured what the heck maybe there is someone else feeling the same way that might feel a little better knowing they are not alone. ~ Tiffany Posted on 08/15/12, 09:33 am |
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Hi Tiffany, I know that when I first got sober and when I was drinking I felt very socially awkward too. I think it's really common for alcoholics. It's gotten a lot better for me now that I've been sober a while. At first it was just in AA where I felt comfortable but over time I realized I was feeling comfortable in other situations too.
Have you tried AA yet? That's worked for me. I went through therapy too and that helped with some issues, going through treatment has helped, and AA has helped. Part of what happens with AA is we try to help others and get out of ourselves, sometimes that's what I really needed because I over thought things and it didn't get me anywhere. Hang in there, and if you ever would like to chat message me ok? ((hugs)) 
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I've found no matter what i thought One answer to any of this was not a good place to start . Accept of course to not pick up a drink or a drug and continue to do the things like therapy and things outside the norm. All these things I did to survive and get better :) And here we are years later :)Good I think ....
Billy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPQA...
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You know, sometimes fitting in or feeling comfortable with others is simply a matter of hanging around with a group of people who have similar interests. What do you like to do? What interests you? Try joining with a group of people with the same interests. It could be a club or a group that meets once a week.
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Hi Tiffany - not part of the AA group, but follow you from the anxiety and depression groups.
You have the insight, you know that it will mean accepting and loving yourself. And that's extremely difficult. Because it isn't about changing yourself - it's about accepting what's already there. And digging in deep into the fears and insecurities that drive your motivations. Looking in that mirror is really !@#$% hard. Like you said, it's a lot easier to grab a drink and fake it. I'm also anxious in social environments and tend to get depressed when I'm alone. So I avoid and isolate, which creates a horrible cycle. Please take care. Don't hesitate to PM or chat if you need to.
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Thanks for posting this instead of adding it to your journal. I can relate! It is exactly how I'm feeling about my own situation. The loneliness that comes with feeling unable to connect to others is difficult and just makes me feel even more like a misfit.
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i feel the same way. i say fuck everybody else, but that is not very helpful. I feel like you do often.
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In my previous life I was a people-pleasing chameleon, so being a misfit in sobriety is actually quite an improvement.
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I am in AA, but I am starting to doubt whether or not it is the right program for me. I go to plenty of meetings and have been showing up early and staying late I a help out when needed, but I do not feel like I really fit in yet. I see a shrink also, even though I have not been keeping up with my appointments as I should. I do community service and volunteer for things on a regular basis. I do enjoy volunteer work...it gives me a sense of usefulness and takes me away from my problems for a little while. The work I like, I just don't really enjoy the idle chit chat that occurs before and after such events. I feel like I have nothing to contribute really.
I am not looking to be the life of the party any longer. I don’t want to compete for any popularity contests. I just want to feel as though I belong somewhere and that I have a few people that I know are “real friends”. I am trying to get to a point where I can be happy with “myself” and I am hoping that the rest will follow. I am a work in progress so to speak and I know that I have a long way yet to go.
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I definitely relate. I was shocked to realize the degree of social anxiety that I have now that I'm sober. I thought I was a type A extrovert but that is so not me. I also struggle with the alone time.
I am SLOWLY learning both how to fit in somewhat but also to be okay with who I am and that fitting in is not as important as the panic it causes me. It is a really slow process but I think for me it is less about fitting in and more about fearing rejection or judgment. The thing that I have to come to is trust in those people I am around. In 3 years, I have maybe 10 people that I trust enough to be comfortable around. I "fit in" because I trust they accept me, not because I have changed, but at the same time they know what I struggle with such as having people in my house - it is like I don't know what to do and they will see how dysfunctional I am. I have come to trust them to understand and even help me with things like this. I think you are right... Have to love yourself. But if you are like me, you may have to get to know yourself before you can love that person. I have learned in therapy that my identity only existed by how I was viewed by others and I came to have contempt for my fake self and other people like my parents or teachers or friends that I felt would only love the fake me. My therapist is now helping me discover who it is that I really am, my true self, so that I can love that person without contempt.
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~ "My therapist is now helping me discover who it is that I really am, my true self,"
How so?
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