Alcoholism Support Group

I wish there was an answer to your dilemma. the truth is that if he wanted to stop drinking there would be a chance. A crucial part of the disease of alcoholism is that alcohol is but a symptom of his disease. Emotional sobriety would only come if were physically sober first. Being aloof to our families allows the alcoholic to continue drinking.This is a cunning ,baffeling and powerful disease. You may have to resort to more drastic measures in hopes tyhat he will see that you mean business. You see words dont mean a thing to the alcoholic, Actions and consequences may be your only line of defence. He has to know that there will be a price to pay for his indifference. Be prepared to follow through. Consider sending him to rehab . Dont ake "no" for an answer.> maybe the time has come for you to stop being a doormat. Contact your nearest Alanon program. They will teach you how to live with the alcoholic. .Alanon is part of the Alcoholics Anonymous family You can find their number in your phonebook. Goodluck to you . my recovery prayers are with you and your husband.
Greg

Google Rational Recovery and read the website yourself first. Ask if he wants to stop drinking forever NOW before it breaks up your family then if he says yes get him to read the Crash course in AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique).

I almost died from drinking daily for decades, now I will never drink again and it's easy once you know how to do it.

I'm only mentioning this because he may not be interested in meetings or rehab and I can't blame him if that is the case. They aren't any fun. Sorry but been there done that and prefer this.

Your husband has a choice to either keep drinking alcoholically, or go for help. He doesn't NEED to drink, it's a very very strong want. He's doing what he wants. I think as long as you're there for him, my view is that he'll keep on drinking. After all, where are the consequences?

"miss the husband I could have if he were sober" Pony, has he ever been that husband? I encourage you to find an Alanon meeting in your area and connect with others who are also affected by a loved ones drinking. The reality is your husband will not change to meet anyone else's needs. He needs to be the one who wants change and will need to work hard for it when he's ready. Look at what you can do to help yourself find peace and joy in your life. Might need some outside help for that and there may be some tough decisions as a result. Don't accept that this is how your life must be. Take some action in your own life.

Hello ponygal,

In some ways I was a bit like your husband so maybe I can give you some insight into his thinking. Although I didn’t drink all day or every day for many years I did always drink heavily. Then drinking became constant from early evening or lunchtime until late at night. Drinking caused many serious arguments in our house but there came a time when my wife seemed to just accept it – the arguments then stopped but the drinking got worse. One thing that she did when nagging did not work was to make ‘suggestions’, similar to what they do in AA, although she knew nothing about alcoholism or about AA.

The suggestions were along the lines of: “Do you not think that you could have an alcohol problem” or “Do you think you should do something about it”? Her suggestions did not cause me to stop drinking but they did play on my mind – the seed of doubt had been sown. A nagging partner is a great bonus to an alcoholic because they are then drinking because life is so unfair and people are down on them. You can’t argue with suggestions on the other hand and you can’t drink over them either.

When I drank in the way that your husband is drinking now I really didn’t know that there was any other way. That is not to say that I would have stopped if I had known but I had no idea that life could be enjoyed without alcohol. In the early years I found that some tasks could be carried out more easily if I had a few drinks and that’s the way it remained for a long time. Then the mind message underwent a subtle but a very crucial change. Now, I believed strongly that most tasks could not be carried out at all without alcohol. Therefore, I often drank before doing something, usually had a few when I was doing the work, and the motivation for working hard was that I would have a few drinks after I finished. This sort of thinking became an obsession and one example of how far it went was that when I was doing a particular job a few miles from home, I would go straight to the pub, dirty hands and all, without going home to wash. If I went home like a normal person and then went for a drink I would have to explain where I was going and more crucially I would find it more difficult to justify it to myself.

You are right when you say that your husband cannot imagine his day without alcohol and that is where the Catch 22 problem lies. Because he can’t imagine life without alcohol, he won’t want to try and quit drinking and if he doesn’t find a way to quit he will never find out that he can indeed enjoy a sober life. It is absolutely one hundred per cent true that he does have a NEED to drink and it is very unlikely that he could stop on his own. He is different to you in two ways. Firstly, he has an obsession for alcohol which will keep driving him to take the first drink, even if he decides to quit. This obsession is so strong that it will overcome concern for family, a danger that he will lose his job or any number of genuine promises that he may make to stop drinking. The second way that he is different to you is that he cannot take one or two drinks. Once he takes a taste of alcohol he develops an overwhelming physical craving for more and the only way to satisfy the craving is to immediately take another drink. This second drink doubles the craving so he takes a third and it goes on like that. People who are not addicted to alcohol can rarely understand why alcoholics drink like they do but it is because of the mental obsession and physical craving.

You are not enabling him by having a glass of wine and regardless of whether you drink or not your husband will continue to drink as he is doing now and will indeed go on to drink more. Where alcohol is concerned he has lost the element of choice and despite what some will say, he has no control over his drinking. He does however have a couple of options. His first option is to keep drinking and I won’t go into how that works out in the end. Similar to the drinking option is that he can fight alcoholism. He can apply all of his willpower and determination and can enlist plenty of support and in this way he may manage to have periods of sobriety. I must warn you however that the families of some people who quit drinking like this often wish that they would drink again because they can be impossible to live with. Invariably, they do drink again and the sober periods get shorter and shorter.

The other option that your husband has is to get help from people who have successfully dealt with a similar problem in their own lives. By following their suggestions he can come to have that obsession for alcohol removed and he will lose the urge to take the first drink. How he does that is a matter for himself but for most alcoholics it requires outside help. Alcoholics Anonymous is one place where he will find such help.

Here are a couple of links I've attended both AA and Alanon for many years they are not held together meetings different flavors . I found it better to get jest from Alanoners about alkies,even though I am one . While being a sober member of AA:)
Billy
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meet...

al-anon.alateen.org/" title="http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/" target="_blank">http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

alcoholism is more than people think. you just can't stop. you really need help.

by the way, i noticed you said your husband was abusive. well, so is mine. i believe abuse does not stem from the drug or alcohol. abuse is abuse. my husband is abusive regardless if he is high on mary jane or not high. it is just abuse.

you have some serious thinking to do. my husband quit smoking 1.5 months ago. i quit drinking 1 month and then slipped and slipped again tonight and bought a bottle of white wine.

we are talking DIVORCE now. You need to get to the stem of your problems like we do. I don't want to be 90 years old without having done anything and feeling the same way. I am 37!!! Good Luck~~~

Thank you all for your advice and comments. I appreciate the insight that I am not able to understand from my view. I am sorry to come off so hopeless it's just some days are more lonely and frustrating than others. We have done in house rehab, out patient rehab, counseling, psychotherapy, pills, separation, AA, audio tapes, books, you name it. With AA he had sobriety for about 4 years so he has tasted it and then one day influenced by an alcoholic neighbor he decided he could beat drinking and took a beer from the neighbor. The neighbor told him he should drink if he wanted and that I was just controlling him by keeping him sober, blah blah blah. (you know misery loves company)
Anyway it was ultimately his decision and he has not looked back. (about a year now since his 4 year sobriety ) Says AA is for losers, etc and he hates going and listening to all the sadness. The abuse is totally gone so yes he does understand consequences and has learned to alter or heal that part of himself. He was a severely abused child and this is the root of his drinking and all his early in life poor decisions. He works and hold down a job. He does not drink on the job and is very good at what he does. Sadly due to the fierceness of the addiction he drinks the second he gets home and all weekend. I used to get really upset that he was sober for his work but not his family. I had to look past that and realize he works FOR his family but has no control right now over this demon and hopes like Hell his family will understand and forgive him for his weakness. I do live my life and have my own career and interests. That I learned when I had gone to Alanon in the past. I actually founded a non profit business in order to distract me from his drinking. He hated me for that because it took away from him being the center of attention. He has learned since then and quietly respects me even though at times it appears to me as resentment. It's just a mess for someone to have such an affliction. Yes, I could leave him but do not wish to. Together he was sober for 4 years so it can be done. I always knew I was living in borrowed time give the nature of addictions so I guess I am just sad and perhaps a little whiny that we are back in full swing. I just miss the guy that had time for me and not his bottled mistress. Thanks for letting me vent a bit here I needed a safe place to do so .

Hello Ponygal,

"The neighbor told him he should drink if he wanted and that I was just controlling him by keeping him sober, blah blah blah"

Sorry to say this, but I think that's right. AA doesn't seem to work if we're there because someone else is fed up with our drinking.

If I could look into a crystal ball and tell you he was definitely not going to get it this time, would die drinking - what would you do? Sometimes its better to learn to let go, as I'm sure you've heard before.

Perhaps it's time to go back to Al-Anon? As I understand,it's not a four-weeks-and-graduate kind of a deal, they would be glad to see you again.

There are other options like I said if he doesn't want to do AA.

Let him know about them.