Alcoholism Support Group

Is your daughter's drinking the problem or is it her controlling BF? It kinda sounds like you're listing all these reasons why she may be drinking too much as if any of those reasons could excuse her drinking if in fact it is excessive...If you have no knowledge of her drinking habits or are suprised to hear of her behavior, it may be because she doesn't want you to know, which could make it difficult for you to reach out to her if she does truly have a problem. Tread lightly, most alcoholics do not want to be confronted by loved ones, friends or employers and she may feel ganged up on. You may just want to ask her directly if she thinks she may have a problem and ask if there's anything you could do to help.

Run, don't walk.....or surf to-

Al-Anon

It is a great group which has tons of experience dealing with what you are going thru.
In general alcholics are the ones that start it..... you, the family have to deal with it.

Best of Luck...seek the solution in the right place

.... we are only the drunks

Good grief-this must be so difficult for you. I am thinking that you are like an innocent bystander being pulled into a storm. But you are her mother, and you love her, I hear that. I think an intervention is a good idea-perhaps feel her out and see if she will consider treatment prior though. If she is boozing she most likely is feeling out of control, so you may have to help her make the arrangements for treatment.

Often times, alcoholics cohabitate with others that have lots of problems too. I don't know if this is the case with this man you speak of, but it is often true.

Take care of you, don't get sucked into this. Helping is good, going overboard and becoming pulled down into the midst of a crazy alcoholic's life who does not want help is not going to do you or her any good.

Go to alanon and get some one on one advice too. xo

some great things already said here. For example if your not real together chances are your mate won't be either and it does sound like you, out of love, are making excuses for her. Working 14 hour days is a reason for normal people NOT TO DRINK. But for alcoholics it's the opposite. I don't know about the former employers , probably wouldn't work unless they had some power in her life.
Maybe a counselor or AA meeting??

When I picked her up at work I saw it all in action. Disappearing around this corner and then another corner, where'd she go? She's not back yet, the phone's ringing and I don't know how to answer it.....at the end of the evening I let her have it (quietly) and so did her boyfriend (who hadn't been around anyway). Talking to her on the drive back was as I expected. What she's been dealing with for the past 12 years with him is what's eating her heart out (he's a cheat) and she doesn't want to leave him (when she's sober anyway). She said she's been on the wagon and off the wagon several times and she's glad she doesn't have to hide it anymore. I told her that she just can't keep doing this. It will destroy their relationship and the restaraunt not to mention her health. He makes her feel quilty by telling her to go get some rest - go see your mother - and then tells her they're going to lose everything because of her. She's the one who's there from 9 or 10 am to 11pm or midnight and he's off somewhere unknown and doesn't come home until 4 in the morning. I confronted him on that and told him there's always two sides to every story and he blew his top as usual. He's MR. PERFECT....... He's unchangeable..... of course everything is always her fault...!

Sounds like the primary focus of this is the boyfriend that you obviously do not care for. Of course she's your daughter and what hurts her will definitely hurt you as well, but as my 20 year old tells me when I give my 2 cents about her relationship "back off mother!".

She knows how you feel about him I'm guessing and you can't a) make her stop drinking or b) leave her boyfriend. You have no control whatsoever if your daughter is an adult. I would encourage her to go into treatment and get yourself to al-anon.

If your daughter is not going to leave him and loves him, I'd suggest you work on your resentment of him as well, he is her choice and it's her life & as much as it sux, there is nothing you can do about it except change your feelings if you want to remain a part of her life.

HC is right on-also even if she is with the biggest A-hole in the world, no one makes us drink. We do it ourselves. I understand you love her and don't like seeing her with a horrible sounding guy-but just know he is not the root cause of her drinking. He is in fact a manifestation of it. Because if she did not drink and was healthy-she most likely would make better choices in men.

Hi Kitten, You nailed it. He is unchangeable and no-one can change anothers behaviour. We can focus the attention on ourselves, so we can better deal with our expectations and those of people around us. There is help for both the drinker, and their families. I'd encourage AA for your daughter, and AlAnon for you. The families at AlAnon understand where you are at now, and you won't feel alone through all this.

Hopefully your daughter will seek the help she needs to gain awareness about her drinking and improve her self-esteem. If she can do this, and she will need to WANT to do it, then the relationships with people, including her husband will change. May be some tough decisions for her to make down the track, but she isn't going to see any of this while she's still drinking. My prayers for you both. :}

I want to thank everyone for their advise. My daughter is 35 and we have a very good relationship. She's admitted to being on and off the wagon time and again and is terribly concerned about her philandering boyfriend but since she's accepted his behavior for the past 12 years and I know how much it hurts I told her she needs to get over it and take care of herself. You can't control another person - you can only control yourself. After discussing all of the complications that could come from her continued drinking at work or at home I believe she has a lot more resolve to stay "on the wagon". She may even decide to go back to AA if she can ever get away from her 14 hour job of managing the restaraunt.

There is so much going in your daughter's life. She needs to want and learn to put herself first. Someone doesn't have to be hit to be in an abusive relationship and her BF sounds it. Look at this website, print it out for her. She may not be responsive now and need to mull things over. Her drinking is only a part of it. So is being overwhelmed!!!! You can only be there for her and give information. She has to act on it. Have a number of a crisis/counseling center in her area to contact. She needs someone objective to talk to. This is only my opinion. I hope it helps.