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Advice:
How do I help my adult alcoholic son?
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My precious son is 38. He is a hard worker and
has so many good things about him. However, he is an alcoholic. I will alwys love him, but he
lives next door to me and when he is drinking, he
makes life for us all miserable - just a different person. How do I help him and myself?

He was in rehab years ago - he met a guy in rehab and they began drinking together. He was better
at first, but it did not last. He will have a problem and tell me he has stopped drinking and asked God to help him;this will last a week or so and it starts all over again. I feel guilty -
why did he start? I am his mother. We never drank and it hurts me see him do this to him and us. Thanks for any help!!
Posted on 06/27/09, 01:49 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 06/27/09  2:09pm
" Linda-my parents didn't drink and I am an alcoholic. My mother didn't even allow it in the house when I was growing up.

Unfortunately you can't help him until he wants to help himself. And when he does want to get help, you can help then and only then by encouraging & supporting him in recovery.

He has to be the one to realize that he has a problem. There is nothing you can do to convince him that he needs help. Try going to an al-anon meeting for friends & family of alcoholics, they can help teach you how to cope. Good luck to you & your family. "
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Reply #2 - 06/27/09  3:24pm
" You have to get rid of that guilt Linda. We alcoholics wreak havoc on so many lives while using. My Mom use to blame herself before she entered alanon-she thought that since she left me with someone who abused me as a child this was all her fault. Hardly! It was me and me alone. You can bet though in my alcoholic stupor I used that guilt to manipulate her and make her feel worse. Totally codependent she was-and alanon helped her get back on her feet-with or without me getting sober.

I did eventually get sober-and I can tell you my mother's strength that she gained by not carrying the guilt helped me see that this was my responsibility, not hers. She put the entire situation on my lap-where it belonged. xo "
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Reply #3 - 06/27/09  10:17pm
" Thank you all for help. Linda "
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Reply #4 - 06/27/09  10:49pm
" His alcoholism is not your fault - that is the first thing you ahve to rememember. Next, you may want ot consider ala-non meeting to help you learn to cope and most importantly, and you will learn through ala-non, about enablers - if you are an enabler you will have to stop which is a very difficult thing to do.

peace and prayers to you. "
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Reply #5 - 06/28/09  11:31am
" Maybe it's random, my parents didn't drink much. but then again sometimes people don't drink because their parents did possibly still bringing genetics.
Bottom line is we don't know why and it has little to do with the soultion.
All you can do is not to enable him. I'd suggest alanon. "
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Reply #6 - 06/28/09  12:57pm
" Hi Linda,

My mum used to have a lot of guilt about my drinking and thinking that something she had done or not done had been the cause of everything. I was able to tell her that it wasn't the case. I drank because I was an alcoholic, and that is not her fault, it just is.

Like others I would suggest Al-Anon, there will be people there who will be able to help you in living your life without letting your son's alcoholism take it over. You wont stop caring but you may learn how to deal with it better.

My mum came to the conclusion herself that she had to let me follow my own path and that by getting involved and trying to get me to stop drinking before I was ready she was reducing the chances that she would be able to help when I was ready. I think that was very hard for her, to step back and let me suffer the consequences of my drinking, but in the end it was the best thing. "
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Reply #7 - 06/28/09  1:57pm
" What makes parents crazy is trying to figure out the why's and how to figure out a way to help them. That's what mother's do. My first thought is to blame myself. It doesn't matter why. I must take myself out of the equasion in order to help my kids.

How to do that? Distance yourself from him. Find a local Al Anon meeting in your area. Watching your child destroy themselves would make any mother crazy. Al Anon has people in it that will understand precisely what you're going through and will work with you on how his alcoholism is effecting YOU. Prayers coming your way! "
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Reply #8 - 06/28/09  2:04pm
" whoops, left out the important part

Al Anon folks will understand precisely what you're going through and will work with you so you can take the focus off of him and live your own life with peace of mind despite what he does. "

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