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Advice:
how to deal with my son's drinking problem!!!!!!!!
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my son is 30 and just married on 5/08.he has a
drinking problem,know's it and look's forward to
his hammered night's (as he call's it)

he informed us that he's known for 2 yrs.that he
didn't want to be married.i can't understand this
at all.he lived with my daughter-in-law 8 yrs.and
thing's were basically great.

he can really be a dear a loving person,than this
other side of him comes out.i hate to say it,but
this run's alot in my husband's side of the
family.

he know's it,hates it and act's like this
anyway.

i have tried different organization's,but alot
are meeting's to go to.i have ms myself and
dxed with depression and anxiety.so it's very
overwhelming to me.i am in therapy now to help
myself,but that doesn't help my son.

any suggestion's or support for me would be
greatly appreciated. hug's to everyone,diane
Posted on 12/07/08, 01:25 pm
15 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 12/07/08  1:56pm
" Diane,

Has he had any negative consequences to his drinking? DWI? Financial, legal? Relationships/lost friends? Work? How often do the hammered nights happen?

That's quite a mess you & he have got there. I can only speak for myself and I've heard others say it here too but unless he wants to improve himself there may not be much you or his wife can do. He still thinks he's enjoying this. You can't force someone. I haven't heard of too much success in the intervention world when the person targeted is convinced they're happy with what they're doing and think no one else is being harmed (or they don't care). From what little you've told us, I'm guessing he's got resentment toward his wife if he thinks he married against his will. If so, he may be telling himself he hopes to hurt her or just doesn't care if he does.

In any case, professionals (and people here) say even the worse consequences won't stop most real addicts. That's where that whole "rock bottom" comes from. We'll drink til we lose just about everything then one day, hopefully, realize its killing us.

I'm sorry this wasn't a "oh, everything will be okay" because often with people like us, it isn't until the addicted person seeks help themselves that things turn around. "
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Reply #2 - 12/07/08  2:41pm
" You say you are in therapy to help yourself, but that doesn't help your son. Guess what? The best thing you can do for your son is to be WELL (Willing, Enthusiastic, and Loving Life)! You are so right, take care of YOU, then you will be more able to HELP your son, and sometimes HELP means to detatch with LOVE, to let your son find his own bottom. There are so many people with drinking issues, and there is help for them, but until they want the help ( truly want it) they will just not GET it. Beleive me as an alcoholic myself, I could blame all the people that were trying to HELP me for all my problems, and I am sure that your son is really good at that too. The bottom line is to go to Alanon if you can. Help yourself, and all else will fall into place.
God Bless you
Karen "
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Reply #3 - 12/07/08  3:21pm
" Sadly it sounds like your son's drinking is more important to him than relationships, including that of his wife and family. He's married to alcohol. Until he wants to stop there's nothing anybody can do. Ala non is really the best route for anyone who wants to be a part of an alcoholics/addicts life, so long as you are an enabler and acceptive of the behavior, he will continue to be acceptive of his own behavior. As an addict myself - "i'm sorry" is the biggest part of vocabulary, the next is "I will never do it again" and the third is "I really want to change" these are things we say to pacify ourselves at the time and those that we NEED at the moment - i will keep you in my prayers as it sounds like you really have alot on your plate - i will pray for your family, your son and his wife - i apologize if I offended you or anyone reading my response. i've been sober a long time and don't find much sympathy in drinkers or users who destroy themselves and the ones that care about them the most - I am pretty blunt, hardcore and tell like it is. I've been through drug and alcohol education classes mostly attended by parolees and probationers (i wasn't one of them) but i realized the sob stories got to go. Subcoming to your addiction is a weakness, being sober takes strength and you can't gain strength by accepting weakness and when you destroy yourself as an addict, you destroy all those around you, the dominos can't help but fall - it's just natural that way. As you can tell, i have a hint of anger at your son, someone who is so uncaring about his own disease and how it effects others needs to find some serious help, but until HE'S READY there's nothing you or anyone can do, other than turn your back on him, stop accepting the behavior, stop accepting the apologies and quit enabling him, but as a parent i know that's a very difficult thing to do. Might be the time for tough love to come into play. My prayers go out to you. Peace be with you. "
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Reply #4 - 12/07/08  3:29pm
" Alcoholics don't quit drinking because everything is great. We quit because things get bad enough that the painof changing becomes less than the pain of staying the same.
Some alcoholics never reach that point and stop through death.
You have two choices let things take thoer natural course or you can speed up the process.
To speed up the process you need to do a professionally supervised intervention. You his wife and other people in his life must lay it out to him. He gets help and quits or he's out of your life. This can't just be a threat it has to be something you will follow hrough on.
Sorry, but that's the truth the way I see it. "
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Reply #5 - 12/07/08  3:36pm
" When I was drinking, I knew I was pushing the envelope, but things were alright, both at work and at home. I do not know if I would have stopped if I did not have to due to health reasons.
In the end we must choose between loosing something we care dearly about or drinking. "
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Reply #6 - 12/08/08  8:54am
" Hi dear Diane ~ I'm a recovering alcoholic and my son is a practicing alcoholic. I go to meetings (i've been sober over 15 years) and I also attend Al-Anon). I can tell you from experience that there isn't ONE THING you can do about your son's drinking. I'm sorry to tell you this. No one can make another alcoholic quit drinking if he DOESN'T WANT TO. That's the problem. An alcoholic has to want to quit drinking FOR HIMSELF ~ not for anyone else. You can have him committed,do an intervention, shame him, curse him, etc., but unless HE wants to quit, none of this will work.

No one could have stopped ME until I decided on my own ~ until I hit my own personal "bottom." When Ifinally decided I'd had enough ~ when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, then and only then did I quit. But before then, no one could have paid me money to quit. That's the insanity of this disease. Yes, it IS a disease ~ of mind, body, and soul. It is recognized by the American Medical Society as a disease now.

Now, I would concentrate on YOU. YOU have problems of your own dearheart. You need to learn how to live with an alcoholic in the family. If you can get ahold of some Al-Anon books, please do so. Please read them. They will help you understand. But you cannot live your life based on HIS alcoholism! He is all grown up and has made HIS decisions. Now it is up to HIM. Those are HIS CHOICES. Feel NO GUILT for you did nothing wrong!!! Regardless the outcome, you did nothing!!! So if you're feeling guilty, please throw it out the window, ok? If you'd like to talk more, please contact me. God bless you dearheart. Hugs, Lee "
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Reply #7 - 12/08/08  3:23pm
" Hi Mom f33,

He is in a space of dependency and has no discernment as a drunk. He doesn't realize that he is pushing the most important people in his life away. I didn't get quite that bad but I was in a world that I and the alcohol created which was not a real world. I know a drunk has to make a choice to change & step out to live a different life. They have to take responsibility but that is difficult if he keeps drinking. I may get criticized but it's not his fault. I would do an intervention or find a legal way to get him into rehab, have him detoxed and he will experience being around people like him. Getting sober (through detox) can help him move forward. I'm sorry you are suffering through this (and the rest of your family).. There is hope. He can't make a choice to stop while drunk. Most alcoholics feel no one understands and that they are the only one...alone in life. He needs to see that he is not unique. Millions of people are just like him. "
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Reply #8 - 12/08/08  4:22pm
" momf333, you asked one question, but changed the subject. do you want to know how to deal with your son's problem, or do you want to change your son? those are two different things.

if your son's drinking causes you a problem, you need to develop coping skills. i suggest counseling with a psychologist or a group for family members of alcoholics like al-anon.

changing your son is not an option. "
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Reply #9 - 12/08/08  5:14pm
" I admire you for facing it. I know my mum felt about my drinking as you do about your son but she would never admit I am an alcoholic (and still wont).

I always post here that it was when I saw the pain on my mums face; the day I noticed her age; the day I truly realised what I was doing to her...that was the day I was ready to go to AA. It was her that got me there and it is now me that keeps me there.

Everyone here is right, your son has to find his own bottom level of consequences before he can reach out. You just have to be there when he does.

Sounds like your son is fearful of what is going on....maybe he is hiding behind his fear by the words he uses. Maybe he thinks that will allow him to drink and not be questioned. That may fit seeing as you said he seemed happy and you had not realised how he felt. I wonder what it was that changed 2 years ago?

As said before, Al-anon is a good place for you to go. There you will learn about 'enablers' and about the 'hostages' we alcoholics take, seems he uses you for both. "
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Reply #10 - 12/10/08  2:54am
" Take care of yourself and let other take care of themselves. Alanon is a good place for you to go and learn about what makes an alcoholic tick, get on it, trust me a few of those and many of your fears will subside. "

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