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Advice:
Boyfriend Chooses Alcohol Over Me...
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Here is the situation...My alcoholic boyfriend and I have had a not surprising 'on/off' relationship for the past 2 years. Currently it is 'off.'

Here's why: Thursday night (09/18) he comes over to spend time with me because I am really busy with school and time is limited. After not even 30 minutes he gets a text from a buddy. The buddy wants to go "have a few." He ditched me for the buddy (and/or alcohol).

I gave him an ultimatum. It really is 'me or the alcohol' at this point. He has been sober 'on/off' during our relationship and clearly it works better with him sober.

I have tried being supportive when he breaks sobriety (if he is actively trying to get sober again). I just don't know what to do at this point.

Is it always going to be like this with an alcoholic?
Posted on 09/21/08, 07:02 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 09/21/08  7:16pm
" The alcohol wins every time. "
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Reply #2 - 09/21/08  7:19pm
" Alcohol, was my lover best friend and everything in between.

Everything else was secondary. "
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Reply #3 - 09/21/08  7:20pm
" I am going through the same thing... for over tow years. i have tried..begging, threats, understanding, tolerance, prayer, negociating etc. I am sober myself and know what it is like to relapse when you WANT to be sober. My boyfriend want to want to be sober. let me assure you, he will find someone else or you will. If he is not ready...and mine is not there yet either. All the treats will not work. Our only choices are Accept/ Change / or Illiminate.
I have to accept him, change my attitude or eliminated the my desires/need from the equasion I cant' change him..I want to.. be it only gives us both a resentment.
I can't accpet the risk to my sobriety/sanity... I tried..I really thought I could handle it. I did not do either of us any good. Am I done? Wish I could say I am at peace with my choices..but I am not. I cry, I scream, I pray, I am not his messenger and that is hard because I love him dearly and have given up much of my security and hopes over this relationship. I can't seem to let go. The thought of him finding someone else hurts too. I can't beat him and I can't join him. I many ways I have been on both sides of this coin. I wish I had a more uplifting answer. You have to let him hit his own bottom. Maybe you cna be there when he does and he will see how much he hurt you. Until then... you only end up being [in his eyes] a 'demanding, unreasonable bitch'. Never make a double drowning...no one is saved. "
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Reply #4 - 09/21/08  7:26pm
" Yea, it is sad the amount of power alcohol has. Really goes to show how we are totally powerless over it. Many times in the past I to chose alcohol over loved ones, not because I didn't love them, but because alcohol controlled me. No matter what, alcohol controlled every aspect of my life. Where I went, who I hung around with, what I did...everything. I'm sure he wants to love you, but he can only love you how much alcohol allows him to. I think your right in telling him to choose one or the other, but he really can't choose. He doesn't have the ability, or freedom to make rational choices. Hopefully tho that the consequences will bring the amount of pain that's necessary to at least want to choose, and realize that he needs help. Often when we love alcoholics, our love can become distorted, and we actually end up enabling. He needs to feel the bad consequences of his addiction, and you need to focuse on taking care of yourself so that you can have the life that is good for you. All the best. James "
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Reply #5 - 09/21/08  7:31pm
" get out now sharabi, chances are this is only the beginning. Worse is yet to come. I would never be with someone who is at the beginning stages of alcoholism and can't stay sober. I feel sorry for those partners I dragged down with me in the past while I was drinking-they would have been better off dumping me at the beginning for sure. "
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Reply #6 - 09/21/08  7:32pm
" in saying this I assume you have no kids yet-that changes things entirely. "
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Reply #7 - 09/21/08  8:07pm
" Try AlAnon. Your life has got to be intertwined and addicted to him. If that makes you angry--you already knew it.

Ubiquitously: INFORMATION IS POWER! And healing! Love and prayers from someone who spent 9 years being a doormat. He also was addicted to sex with other women. "
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Reply #8 - 09/23/08  2:12am
" You must put uour recovery first because otherwise you will not have any one or any thing. Your boyfriend will either make the choice or you will move on. It says in The Big Book when two people are not on the same spiritual beam it will not work, "
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Reply #9 - 09/23/08  3:01am
" In the long run you will be better off if you end the relationship now sorry to say. It is going to go nowhere fast and just lead to a lot more misery. At the very least tell him if he doesn't stop and get into a recovery program it's over. If he agrees give him this one chance no more. It is the best thing you can do for him if you really care about him. People with alcohol problems don't quit when everything is going well they quit when they hit bottom. Losing you hopefully will be his bottom. "

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