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Advice:
Spouse of an Alcoholic
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Is anyone here a spouse of an alcoholic? What are you doing? I am at the end of my rope. Just some FYI:
He is not abusive, mentally or physically.
This has been going on for 6 or 7 years.
I can't take the stinkiness, the red eyes, slurred speech and ect. I hate coming home, I hate seeing him, but my heart still aches. Yet I feel empty emotionally.
Anyone and any help would be appreciated.
Thank you!
Posted on 03/29/07, 12:24 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 03/29/07  7:53pm
" If you go to AlAnon meetings, you will find help and support from people who have been in the same boat you are. Remember that a person can not get an alcoholic to quit drinking. He has to want to. THis is a disease and causes problems for everyone around the drunk. Maybe you should look at moving? "
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Reply #2 - 03/29/07  9:23pm
" I am in the same kind of marriage and it got to the point of us seperating.Make a long story short he finnally agreed to individual counciling and quit drinking(him)I quit about 8-9yrs ago.The good news is he has not had a drink in about 3weeks now and is doing well.
I have been going to Alanon for @ 3mo.now and it has helped sooo much,I have been seeing a councilor myself for @3yrs now.
My husband refuses to go to AA and insists on doing it on his own,Hes been doing really well.
If none of this happened not matter how bad it hurt me,I would of left.
I hope all works out and I will keep you in my prayers. Sue "
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Reply #3 - 03/30/07  9:30pm
" I am an alcoholic let me add some things which seem to be true.

Love won't get him sober, otherwise your love, your childs love, or his mom's love would have worked a long time ago.

Jail won't get him sober, otherwise everyone who comes out of jail would be sober.

Getting fired from a job won't work or all the unemployed would be sober.

Homelessness won't work either.

What will work? That is the question of the ages. If I had an exact way in which to get someone to want to get sober I would sell it to the rich and the hell with giving it away.

The percentage of people who get sober and stay sober through AA is around 7%, Church is less around 2%, other routes total around 1%.

More people are loved to death, meaning that people are nice to them. They ask them to get sober, and accept hard days as reason to get stinking drunk. Than people who are offended and ordered to get help through tough love. My motto is tough love. No more Mr. Niceguy from me.

What does that mean for you? Throw the bum out, cut him off, divorce him, etc. All these things will help him get to his bottom and help him decide whether to drink or not. "
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Reply #4 - 04/04/11  8:37am
" My husband is an alcoholic but has never admitted it. He is not physically abusive but very verbally abusive and controlling. He has called me every name under the sun. Over a week ago he picked me up and was drunk. I begged him to let me drive but he wouldn't and I was stricken with fear the ride home, about a half hour. He called me terrible names and blamed me for his condition. I know I am not. When we got home I called 911 and the sheriff came. He resisted arrest and is now in jail. I don't know if I did the right thing and I have a restraining order for 6 months. He will be in jail till a May 25th hearing. I am feeling guilty and confused about my feelings. I hope to attend an al anon meeting today. I need help. "
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Reply #5 - 04/08/11  12:18pm
" @simoncross, everything you mentioned is my exAH to a tee.

Loving him to death didn't help. I took the kids and left him, that didn't help. He lost our home, sold his business and ended up homeless, that didn't help. He has been in and out of jail, that didn't help.

The OW/drinking buddy, took him in. He went back to jail twice and is back at the gf's and in recovery. Still his lack of empathy for the children makes me wonder how closely he is working his sobriety.

After three years of this I did file for divorce, sadly. We talk very little and when he does call my children look at the phone say its him and say they don't want to talk to him. It breaks my heart that alcohol has done so much damage.

Now he is trying recovery again on his own "
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Reply #6 - 10/16/11  7:30pm
" I realized my husband was an alcoholic about a year after we had been married. In my niavity, I thought he just liked to party like me. That was 16 years ago! When you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie and knot and hang on! What does that mean? That means do whatever you have to do for yourself. If your spouse won't help themselves, sometimes tough love is the only answer. Find others to support you - like AlAnon. Don't expect allot of help from family - they probably know there is a problem and refuse to really "see it". But you will be OK - just take care of YOU! You are not alone! "
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Reply #7 - 10/16/11  8:37pm
" It is hard for me to say because Iam in the same boat, but he is mentally abuse. "
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Reply #8 - 10/17/11  8:38am
" I guess I'm "luckier" than most spouses of Alcoholics - my husband is not abusive verbally or physically. But he has managed to almost destroy our life as a couple and has destroyed my respect for him. I still love him but - as I told him - I can't live with his drinking anymore. I decided to give him the ultimatum after I began to feel like I was trapped in my house and couldn't enjoy our outdoors anymore because of the drinking going on outside. "
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Reply #9 - 02/01/12  9:36pm
" I feel I have lost my sweetheart to the whore of alcohol. It's more complicated than that, as I know his love for me is deep and that his disease is uncontrolable. But it feels that way sometimes. I grieve the loss of our love story, and it was a good one. I grieve not recognizing the man I sleep next to, but also that he is miserable about himself too. I don't want to make a wrong choice and risk losing an intact family, but are we really intact? Some days it sure seems so, and I love it. We laugh, joke around with our two young boys, and it all seems okay. We will be talking to our counsellors about a strategic seperation, but I'm also scared about him having the boys. He's a very secretive drunk, and lies as a matter of course. I just keep asking myself what the best life is for me and my lil ones is and what should I do to make that happen. One day I'll feel like that means stay, but other days I feel that no one has the power to take my days on earth and make them crap. I deserve to live happily and experience joy in all this life has to offer. My advice is to go on vacation by yourself and see how you feel then. Even if it's to a friend's house. Go get some R&R. It may feel like a huge burden was lifted. "

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