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Advice:
Miserable from husbands drinking
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Im so frustrated!! My husband is an alcoholic and I have been dealing with it wrong for the past 12 years I am sooo tired and beat down. I know I am not supposed to call him out on it but it is so hard not to. I feel he has narcissistic tendancies so it gets really bad when I bring it up but I keep doing it! He always says the same thing to defend hiimself....he says I dont drink in the morning, I dont drink hard alcohol and I go to work everyday. He says I am making it a problem and that he does not have one. He drinks 7 days a week. 4 or 5 out of the 7 he gets really drunk. He drinks alone most of the time, will not eat dinner because it ruins his buzz, lies about where he is going. IE: last week he told me he was going for a ride on his mountain bike and would be right back but came home from the bar at 2 am wasted. This stuff happens on a weekly basis. I am lonely, frustrated and stuck as I just started a new career and cannot afford to support our two teenage kids on my own. My entire life revolves around his drinking schedule. We dont go anywhere, he stays outside in the yard if he is home until he is ready to pass out everynight. He says I am high maintanence if I complain about being alone and I am a prude and that I should drink with him. I grew up with alcohol and drugs in my family and I am so disappointed in myself that I am repeating the patterns for myself and my kids. I know I am going about this all wrong but it is so hard to break the patterns and I dont know where to start. Whenever I bring it up it ends with him withholding money, keys etc..He says that I have no right to complain becuase he is paying the bills. I know what will happen but I keep opening my mouth! I am sure I have serious codependancy issues to deal with but Im overwhelmed with all of it! Any advise on where to start would be greatly appreciated. I tried a local alanon meeting one time but I felt like I didnt fit in. Everyone seemed to have a alcholic in thier live that was going to aa meetings and getting help. I will never have that I am certain about that.
Posted on 08/23/10, 03:20 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 08/23/10  3:53pm
" Why are you staying with him? Economic security?

How do you feel about how you raised your kids to accept an alcoholic?

Do you want to leave him? Have you come to the point of realizing you cannot, no matter how much love, make him into your shining Knight.

I am an alcoholic. You are a Co-Dependent Al-Anon.
It is what is is.

Many sites, including this one offer a forum for friends and family of addicts. Al-Anon is easily Google and you could meet a friend close by to commiserate with.

With Compassion
good luck "
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Reply #2 - 08/23/10  4:11pm
" J,
I've walked in your shoes, yelled at your husband, slept in your bed alone, cried on your pillow and felt your fears. It is a terrible and lonely place to be. Where to start? Well, I'd get back to Alanon, and also attend an open AA meeting. pm me for that info.
I don't want to be negative, but he will never, ever change unless he wants to. To change, the pain of staying the same has got to be worse that the pain of changing - same goes for you.
Alcohol is a progressive, fatal disease. It kills the soul, and the souls and spirits of all those around the alcoholic.
It sounds like your husband's health will soon be impacted as well?
I would start to "get my affairs in order". Start setting money aside if you can.
Don't have ANY more conversations with him about his drinking. It's useless. Don't wait up for him, don't argue with him.
I am an alcoholic. Nothing would change me till I wanted it.
My husband was an alcoholic. He drank the same way as yours. He never thought he had a problem. I had the problem. AA was bullshit, and I was a nag. "Why didn't I just lighten up and have a drink with him instead of going to all those stupid meetings".....
I stopped drinking and began to try to change my codependency through AA and Alanon. It saved my life.
Please get out now, unless you want to either watch him die, or watch him ruin your life and your children's life.
I feel for you. This is a horrible disease.
Bless you.
pm me anytime. "
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Reply #3 - 08/23/10  5:33pm
" Please get yourself to Al-Anon. They will help you understand this whole thing, and help you keep from yelling at him and bringing it up to him all the time. This just makes things worse, and spurs him on to more drinking.

Yes, you seem to be co-dependent, but Al-Anon can help you with that too. Please go to a meeting. I guarantee that they will help you out of this.

You can't make him stop drinking if he doesn't want to stop. No one can. It's all up to him. You have some decisions to make and Al-Anon can help you make those. Whether you stay or go is going to be a huge decision that you need to consider very carefully. It's VERY difficult living with an alcoholic. You can't change him so there's no point in trying.

For me, I couldn't live like that. I myself am a recovering alcoholic with 17 yrs sober. My ex was an alcoholic too and he wouldn't stop drinking when i did and i couldn't live with him while he was drinking. He was too abusive. So we parted, and got divorced and i've never looked back. It was the best thing I've ever done.

Best of luck to you. My prayers are with you. God bless. Hugs, lee "
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Reply #4 - 09/11/10  3:19am
" No one feels like they fit in after ONE meeting! "Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it!"

Not all the same people attend every meeting. I was told to go to at least 6 different alanon meetings before even considering casting an opinion (and SHARE at every one of them).

And listen to what you've said:

"I will never have that, I am certain" (re: your husband in aa)

HEAR yourself. Because even if you haven't said this to your husband, he, know doubt, can feel you believing it. If you are going to stay with him, for whatever reason, you need to take the focus off of him and his issues, and redirect it toward yourself and yours. As you learn to work your program for you, perhaps you will find, someday, that he will recognize a shift, and want to participate in his own program. Right now, all you are doing is giving him something to resist. Take yourself out of the equation of his excuses. As he hears himself having to create new ones, well, you never know....

What would you think if he went to one aa meeting and came back and said he didn't fit in and it wasn't for him? Set an example. "
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Reply #5 - 09/11/10  7:21am
" Morning Yes!! thats how i drank and acted too. The good part about Alanon is that it treat's the person living with the Alcoholic not the Alcoholic, So happy to both gotten sober and finding my way to both Alanon and ACOA. It has helped to relieve that feeling of not mattering enough. I was raised by a Alcoholic parent and my mother never got the help she desperately needed.
Billy "
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Reply #6 - 09/11/10  11:46am
" I understand the pain you are having. I grew up with alcoholics, married an alcoholic and now I am one myself....it can be heredity. After reading your post I have a few suggestions you might want to consider. 1) Go to this website and see if you see yourself in anything that is posted on the wheel. . 2) Make an appointment with a counselor qualified with substance abuse. Your local Mental Health Agency or your health insurance should be able to help you with this. and 3) Try a different Al-anon Meeting if there is one in your area, or go back to the one you went to....people come and go and if you give it more time you might learn that there are others with spouses not going to AA.
You can always talk to me....I go to AA meetings and my husband doesn't go to AA or Al-anon. And finally, as you are making decisions and looking for help, keep this thought in mind...."Is what I am doing and teaching my children the best thing for them?" Staying is not always the best decision, but leaving right now does not always mean you will be getting a divorce. Take care. I will keep you in my prayers. "
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Reply #7 - 09/12/10  8:41pm
" my huband died this past december from alcohol. Hisdrink was beer but he hardly ever got really wasted. the beer would fill him up that he wasnt hungry all the time. He however was a kind sweet person even with drinking. His death was horrifying. It was quick also. I dont drink and also grew up in alcohol and drugs. I miss more today than when he died and I kinow I am not handling his death well. I wish everyone would stop drinking and not go through losing a loved one this way, "

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