Agoraphobia & Social Anxiety Support Group

I'm sure I'm just on here venting, so shortly after creating an account no less, but I doubt that's uncommon. I really just...need this all to stop. And no, that's not an allusion to suicide, I've hung out at the entrance to that door quite a bit and I find it's still too rusted with guilt and quite frightening besides.
I suppose guilt is a good point. I know I'm posting in an agoraphobia group, and I'll get to that, but it's complex. One vast swath of my depression (wholly self diagnosed) lies in a certain guilt that gnaws at my tender brains constantly. I can't discuss what it's about precisely, it involves something heinous and were I to indulge myself I'd be arrested for sure, and deserve it. This problem, this flaw is something I can't bring myself to seek help about, I'm too afraid of what people would do to me, even professionals, should they know. I've told one other person about this and honestly I think she's blocked it out, though her original reaction was bordering on horror (and you'll have to trust when I say she is not easily shocked, she's come from a history of hanging out with bikers).
I need to take a moment aside, I feel quite sick, typing this out. My hands are shaking and I feel like gravity has grown strong and is pulling in the wrong direction. I fear I may pass out if this continues.
I'm deeply afraid...perhaps suspicious, that others will pass off all I say as 'just another depressed American'. I'm relatively young and well to do, damn fortunate to have a job and some one to love. I'm in good health, good enough at least to walk two miles when I feel really depressed instead of going back to cutting. Yeah, I've been there, done that, I constantly desire it again.
I know I'm rambling and disconnected. I'm sorry, I just have very little control right now.
I don't know if others experience this...this depth. They must, I'm sure, I've never been all that special in any honest way. How do people get up in the morning though. Some seek out booze, sure, I've done that. But it's just so fucking hollow a solution. The money it would take to keep me that kind of inebriated, to function, would be prohibitive. On the subject of intoxicants, I used to smoke pot, but can't due to my current job, and that is kind of killing me. I feel like marijuana was my emotional drain-o. When things we get too intense, when I couldn't deal, I'd wrap myself around a pipe and let all the pain and confusion seethe away. Pot didn't make me happy, it just let me deal with being sad.
There are just so many things...wrong. Not so wrong that they're insurmountable, just...too wrong for me. I knew when I started this relationship with my boyfriend that it wouldn't all be roses and steak dinners, hell it's only been a single steak dinner that I cooked. But I spent 20 consecutive days driving to a hospital 40 minutes away to be by his side while doctors and nurses stumbled around clueless, trying to figure out what was hurting him. I held his hand and strained my emotions to the limits to be strong for him. When he was in pain or panicking, I would dredge my 28 years of experiences for stories to distract or entertain him with, till it would pass. My thanks was small, but I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to.
When he came home, at last, I cried on his lap and told him how happy I was to have him back and how hard it had been without him and to be as calm as I had been carrying on. He cried too and I thought we connected... But I feel he's just become very walled and distant again, only really responding to me when I directly confront him with suggestions on things to do or when I press myself on him in some way. He never asks me how I am first and sometimes not even second. I don't think he cares about my interests or how things are going, even as I try to be as involved in his life as I can.
I'm an ungrateful shit though. He's not abusive and he's a good guy, with an unpleasant past that has caused him to shun the outside world in many ways. He does try... I just can't appreciate it enough. I'm sure he loves me, but I'm fragile and I need to be constantly re-assured.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you've read this. It was stupid of me to post, to put it out there. There aren't solutions, nothing you can say will make me feel better and I've run through nearly everything I can do to fix my stupid self. I'm just screwed up and it's no one's fault but my own and maybe the chemicals in my body.
I think the final straw to this, and the reason I'm posting in this group, is that my last straw may just have been the social get together I was at yesterday. There were maybe a dozen folks, all very nice and welcoming. Of them all I was the possibly the most 'normal', besides one, and we all got along swimmingly. I just felt like my heart wouldn't slow to normal anytime anyone talked directly to me. I left drained and twitchy and I've been half a wreck all day. I think it's all just coming to a head and I'm losing my grip again.
I'm afraid to lose my grip now. Last time I did that, I threatened someone's life, because ultimately I think I am ruled by that lizard brain part of us all that says 'eat, fuck, kill'.
Again, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be putting this out there. I'm sure it's some kind of karmic black mark, but this is still a better option than some of the things I've been considering.
Posted on 08/05/12, 08:26 pm