Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) Support Group

Hi. I can relate. My son is 11.5 years old and in middle school. He came from a small private school (he had 5 in his 5th grade class) to a large private school with big classes of kids (24 kids). He chose the school, but had a horrible time adjusting socially. But now it is better. Academically it was just confusing for him mostly, but now it is really going great.

The school issued (i.e. we paid for) an official school planner at the beginning of the year b/c they do change classes 6 times a day. I was worried b/c in elementary school this was a major problem with my son. He is bright but lazy - sort of hard to stimulate/motivate. And sooooo absent minded. My expectations were never in line with his motivation. I was hard on him at times.

But at this middle school they do something WONDERFUL. It is like they designed a program that is totally in tune to the age and abilities of middle school students. It is kind of a laid back school. They seem to not want to stress the kids out and set up the environment for SUCCESS for every student.

They require a reasonable amount of responsibility without being unrealistic. It is so cool. At this new school if you do not bring a homework assignment back to school the following day, you get an R Form (R is for Responsibility) from that particular classroom/subject teacher. The R Form is sent home with the incomplete assignment and the next day the student has to bring back the R Form (signed by parent) along WITH the complete assignment. In each class you are allowed like 2 or 3 R Forms with NO penalty within a 9 week grading period, as long as you return it the next day. If you do return it the highest grade you can get on the assignment is a 90%. If you return it AFTER the very next day - you get detention where you will complete the assignment with the highest possible grade being an 80% I think. Detention seems a bit embarrassing b/c you are sitting on the bleachers next to the kids sitting at tables eating lunch. I think if you miss that detention intentionally you get to come all day on a Saturday or something awful. It is a series of consequences already laid out.

So I like it because it allows some grace, WHICH MY SON NEEDS, but also makes kids learn responsibility without beating them up. My son was a disaster organizationally for a longggggggg time. I had a teacher that kept telling me it would come. I didn't think so b/c there were papers EVERYWHERE. His organizational skills did begin to kick in bit by bit, but if allowed to be irresponsible without too much notice my son will choose that path. He really is better with better teachers I've always noticed.

The best thing I like about this R Form system is that ALL teachers are required to use it. And all teachers are required to allow 2-3 slip ups without major penalities to the student. B/c honestly, at this age they are going to mess up. Getting a zero is not a great option.

The other thing this school does is require the work to be organized in a certain way within the binder. They have surprise inspections and if their class does well then their class is rewarded. It is exciting and they fuss over their binders and look forward to inspections.

At my school I work at (elementary) I tried to make them change classes to get them ready for middle school. But it didn't work too well to be honest b/c the kids really still needed that 'teacher bond' I call it. It was unsettling and the teachers seemed to miss out too. But looking back we missed this key element of FORCING teachers to all assign work in the same way and to have similar consequences. I now see that if you allow each teacher to totally have her own relaxed or rigid style it is so overwhelming for kids like your son or mine. I think because of this missing piece, it is taking him longer to adjust to their own individual set of teacher expectations.

Changing classes is stressful. I would give him as much structure as possible, force him to get student phone numbers or teacher emails to ask questions where needed. And see if with encouragement he doesn't improve soon. It was a huge adjustment probably in many ways. Maybe it is still soon.

This is still a problem for my son at the age of 15. We have tried everything but have been told it is a losing battle. My son is ad/hd and aspergers. My son did fine in the elementary schools but as soon as he hit junior high where they no longer hand hold he started having major problems. that was when he was diagnosed ad/hd. you might want to look into there being more to it than his laziness. I know of a lot of kids that don't get diagnosed until middle/junior high

This is especially common with boys grade 6-10. A few thoughts:

- these same boys remember sports practices, friends' birthdays, and similar events ... they are capable of remembering _if_ they think it is important enough

When dealing with boys my exwife and I like to use the term "currency" ... not meaning money, but in reference to what is important. For our son it is computers - if he loses computers for one day after school this is serious. He also wants to finish his homework for to stay in the enriched program and have more play time with me. Many smart boys will get serious as college approaches and they want to say they picked their college.

Back to currency: be prepared to take away whatever is most valued to your son. Do it as soon as there is a problem, for a short time & be consistent about no excuses (except for obvious emergencies). One night of friends, computers, or whatever is most valued is a small price to pay ... if they have been getting away with no homework for a while then it will take a few times for the message to hit home.

I know this is over-simplified and will not always work, but we have found this philosophy the most successful.

Good luck.

I can relate to you all. My son does the same thing and so does my daughter. My son started not handing his work in the fourth grade was able to pass. He started hanging out with the football players from his youth football team here where I live in Ca. He thinks 5th grade is like 4th where they will pass him even if he pass the star test. He is really smart in math and he can't remember his time tables etc. He can't read that well because my mom made the mistake in reading to him and my daughter then letting them read to her. He forgets write down his assignments in his daily planner. They didn't have one in the Elementary school only in the middle school. My daughter has been at the middle school since 5th grade. Our middle school is 5 thur 8 grades where I live.