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I have a hard time saying no to my son
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and it gets me into trouble. I want to make my son happy and that is why I have a hard time saying no. He asks me if his friend can come over everyday he goes to school and I have to say no because I want to get going on homework and we need to relax and we can't with a friend over. I was going to try to do this today like I have done in the past but my daughter when I have done this has gotten upset because her privacy goes out the window when someone comes over. She has a headache, she wants to do her homework and she wants to relax in front of the t.v. in her pajamas and she feels she can't when someone is here. I feel awful saying no to my son but at the same time I need to respect myself and my daughter and how we feel. This is becoming a tangle as I feel I am disappointing my son and his friends. My daughter said can he go to his friend's house because we can't do it today and my son asked his friend and his friend said no because his parents are not home and he can't do that as they work. His friend's have no problem saying no and they have a better excuse. It seems as if I am tired or we want to do our homework is not a good enough excuse. I already told him I did not want to do this this morning and to please not ask me if a friend can come over but he did it again when he called me on his cell phone from school. I told him this morning and this weekend that he could have a friend over this Friday as we have nothing to do on this day, and we will be prepared for this but everyday this is hard and it seems this is what my son wants. I just find this whole thing really hard and very upsetting as I don't want to hurt anyone, I feel like I am hurting my son and his friends. Is there something you can say to help me with this.? Thank you in advance for your help with this.
Posted on 09/21/09, 06:09 pm |
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set the rules of no friends except for the weekend....and that is for everyone in the house including your daughter. you don't say how old she is but I'm sure she can't be the one ruling the house. You are the parent and you set the rules.
In my house it is homework first, activities second and if there is time you can play with your friends until a set time. Other option would be to have the friend come over to do homework. If the friend has noone home after school that would be a better environment for him to be in than an empty house. In the end it is still your rules. Set them and don't change them. The kids will figure out that you mean what you say. Keep in mind that you do have to let them have friends over eventually 
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It sounds like you are hung in the middle of trying to make your kids happy and they differ. I can understand that. I like my son to have friends over, but you might schedule a time that works for you and your daughter. Like you, I don't allow my son to go to another child's house if no parent is home. No way. I actually varied from this rule with one neighbor child that I really thought highly of and it wound up being one of the worst parenting decisions I ever made. Kids need adult supervision.
I would think about what is realistic, set the rule to try it out for a 2 month period of time, try not to vary from the schedule, and not allow your son to put you on the spot every day or he would get consequences. If you waver, he will continue to badger you. You have to be firm. Figure what works for you and do that. Hopefully with your son and daughters approval to the schedule, but if not then SO BE IT. Also, with my son, I find some friends are more enjoyable and less disruptive to our household than others. If there are particular friends that cause things to be loud and out of control - you might need to really limit their visit to just a few minutes - or let them play outside to run out their energy. There are some children I rarely let into my house b/c they just get very hyped up and it drives us all nuts. Like a whirlwind. So with those kids, if you let them in, I'd lay down ground rules and send them home if they can't follow them. It is okay to have rules in your household. And your daughter is right to need some peace.
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I am curious of the ages of your children. It seems like they are both battling for control of the house when it should be you that lays down the law.
I am a little bothered that your daughter thinks she should be able to lay around in PJ's and because of that keep your son's friends out of the house. In a family everyone needs to think about eachother not just themself. You wrote something about the friends having a better excuse, so I think your son might feel like you are making excuses and then he tries to get you to give in. Set rules that are not negotiable. At my house the kids are to come home, bring their backpacks to the table, have a snack (I allow 15 minutes) and get right to work on homework- no TV until everything is complete and no video games on week days. (my boys are 11 3/4 & 6 1/2) Friends are welcome when all homework & chores are done as long as I am not overwhelmed with what life has on my plate. I have explained that a stressed out mom is not a healthy or happy mom. If the kids have been talking back or giving me a hard time I might explain that I will not allow anyone else in the house because they have already been making bad choices and showing lack of respect, but I might allow them to play outside to work off some of their energy.
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My kids friends over after school and they do their homework while their are here. Its your rules but at my house its homework and then play. But their friends don't come over everyday to play. Usually its for an hour and then the friends go home. My kids have after school activities too, so that keeps them busy.
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