Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

Lots of people are going to tell u that it's a natural thing and lots of kids do it, and to tell them that it's a thing that should only b done in private....But i tell my boys that there pecker is going to fall off if they dont stop touching it. I dont think your daughter can remember if it felt good or not when the mollestation happened, and i agree with your decision to stop seeing the therapist. Big hugs to u!

It is completely normal for a child of that age to realize that it feels good to touch themselves. Especially one who was sexually abused when they were younger. Don't try to make her stop or you will send the message that even her touch is bad and that will confuse her. I would tell her that touching yourself there is something that is only ok to do in private. I would continue the therapy. I was abused as a child and I wish my parents had kept me in therapy. It probably would have helped me some with my issues when I was younger instead of me waiting until recently to work them out. If you think this particular therapist isn't doing good enough then look for another one but be sure to include your daughter in on the decision as much as possible. She's the one who has to open up and talk to them.

I too was molested by a family friend when I was young. Does your daughter actually remember being molested or does she now have the residue of your memories in place of hers? I have read that we do not retain memories from such a young age. Your daughter has been traumatized enough with being molested and undergoing therapy; please do not tell her one of her fingers or body parts will fall off if she touches herself again! That will definitely leave a life long stigma for future therapy sessions.

Also, once my mother decided to send me to see a therapist, I wouldn’t talk openly with the therapist because he was a man. Not the man who molested me, but a man and I already knew I couldn’t trust a man by the time I met the therapist. He and I met for a few sessions. He let my mother know that I was traumatized and would not talk openly with him since I admitted that something happened by a male perpetrator. He recommended she take me to a female therapist if we chose to continue therapy.

I have raised 3 boys and they touched themselves at this age…even younger. I didn’t make a big deal of it; I just reminded them that it is not acceptable to touch yourself with other people around. Since I want to protect my children from potential molesters I explain the “No one else should ever touch you there” rule and that it is normal for them to touch themselves, just not while we watched TV. It happens...

If it makes you uncomfortable to see or know that your daughter is touching herself, then maybe you should start meeting with a family therapist first. Let a therapist know why you are there; you are seeking some help for your daughter who has been molested. A good therapist would want to meet with you first, get as much background information as possible, and then gradually introduce the rest of the family into the network. Remember that a good therapist is only there to be the bridge/guide into working together as a family unit.

Your old therapist may have said something offensive to you or your family, and this person may not have been the best choice for your family or met your particular needs….in which case you have every right to not return. Good decision on your part. But if this molestation has created a rift in the family structure, then yes you should find a reputable family therapist to help your family through this time. It is not impossible to find happiness after being a survivor of molestation.

Peace and love to you and your family

according to the therapist she does not remember anything..the therapist even went as far to basically out right ask her if a boy named chucky ever touched her in a bad way or even in a way that felt good to her. she also asked her if ANYONE ever touched her privates?...she states no to all the questions. I NEVER tell her not to touch because like you all said it is natural to be curious. What i do tell he is if she feel the need to that it should be done in private. I just feel that the therapist was trying to hard to get her to remember something that could really damage her in the long run. And she was also starting to discuss sex with her...i think she is too you for that. i am hoping that this is just a phase that will work its self out. I have encouraged my daughter to come to me, my husband, her father or even her fathers girlfriend if she ever has any questions or doesnt feel right about something. I have repeatedly gone over private parts being private and NOONE touching them. Thanks to everyone for all your advise!

wow, the therapist sounds like a freak. i agree, too young for major sexual discussions at this age. i have a 7 year old son at home and he only has the basics so far: yes a baby comes from a mother. Honestly, I let the questions he may ask lead the way into our conversations. Personally I believe children are supposed to enjoy their childhood and they do not need to know in depth details at this age.

So glad you have stopped going to that therapist. Its a shame you haven't filed a formal complaint against her.

Wow, that therapist sounds weird...I have three boys, and let me tell you they all, from a young age, "touch their peckers". By that, I mean even before they are a year old. It is normal for children to masturbate! Normal, and natural...even animals do it.

Some religions teach you that it is a sin. I really do not believe that that is the case.In the end, would you rather that your hormonally-driven teenager be having sex, or self-pleasure? IMO, masturbation is the safest form of sex. No STD's, no pregnancy, no rape....And at seven, I know you may be perplexed, especially given her past history, but many kids find self-pleasure a lot earlier.

I do not think it has anything at all to do with her past abuse...although it is not impossible.... I do remember some things from when I was two years old.

The best thing to do, IMO, is to teach her to touch herself only in private, when she is alone. And that her private parts are private! Nobody else can touch them! Ever! And if somebody should (other than you giving her a bath, or to check if she has a rash or irritation, or something), then SHE IS TO TELL YOU!

She should never be punished for touching herself. Instead, she should feel that she can come to you freely, to confide in you, if ever anyone else should try to take advantage of her.

This is very important. Abuse victims are often subject to repeat abuse, and usually, by people they know, or who care for them. You should try to keep the lines of communication open. Punishing her for a normal activity (masturbation) is not the way to go! (And, by the way, even if you tried to "forbid" her from masturbating, there is no real way to control it...she can still go and masturbate in secret, except you will not know about it. And she will be afraid to let you know if ever anybody abuses her again.)

I tell all of my boys, from a young age, that their penis is their penis, and only mommy or daddy can touch it, and only to clean it, or if it has a bobo. No other circumstances. Nobody can touch it. Not one of the brothers, not a friend, a teacher, no one..EXCEPT THEMSELVES. So they do not feel "dirty" or guilty if they play with themselves.

I would personally change therapists. She may still need therapy; I am just not convinced the one you have is the right one for the job!