Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

Although I have no advice I kow how you feel. I too feel that way. I tried to implement house chores but eneded up doing a lot of yelling and having to stand over them the entire time to make sure they did the chore. It wasn't worth it so I end up just doing it myself. THen in the mornings and evenings our routine is always the sam, yet I have to stand over them or feel like I have to yell at them constantly to get them to actually finish what they are supposed to be doing. IE brushing teeth instead of playing. I too feel like a horrible mom and wish we could have more fun, but they take so long to do just one thing that I don't feel like we have the time for fun things and getting things like beds made too. I too feel frustrated a lot!

Hugs. I'm right there with ya!

Sometimes I think that when we get in a bad rut, we just have to find a way to step aside and think about how to do things in an opposite way. When I get in a rut like this sometimes it helps to tell my kid "here's a list of what you need to do in the next hour. if you get it done, the reward is __________ and if you don't the punishment is ____________." And really stick to the punishment, which should be immediate, so they can see mom means business today! lol
I try to present the punishment without saying much, which makes me feel a whole lot better than harping endlessly.

I guess I'd just share that shaking things up works for us. Like I'll get out an egg timer and say "you need to do _____ before this goes off or ________________." That probably works the best of all.

I agree with the timer thing. I do use that occasionally and it works wonders but usually only once I'm at the end of my rope. I feel bad thinking I have to set the timer to get anything at all accomplished. I too use the If you___________ and if you don't ____________. method along with immeadiate follow through. But do I have to use the timer to get them to do EVERYTHING? Somtimes I just feel so defeated.

We have a sticker chart listing the morning routine: Get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc and I tell them, "check your list" and when they've accomplished the first item they give themselves a star and move onto the next. A lot of the time, they just give themselves stars and instead of going onto the next thing they just start playing or doing whatever and I start harping, and especially wen we're late, yelling. But sometimes it seems to help. They give themselves a star and when they see the next thing to do is brush their hair, the whip out the hairbrush. If they don't get their thing done then they get no star and/or they have to do push-ups. Not getting the star is good enough for my daughter, but my son has to get push-ups and priveleges revoked. I'm a yeller though too most of the time and it makes me feel like crap. I thought I was going to be this stellar mom and here my son is insecure and has self-esteem issues; forget what the house looks like. I used to have to hover over my children's homework, but now they pretty much do it on their own. They know they can't do anything fun until they get it done and they'll be sent to bed without dinner if need be. My husband doesn't mess around. I've caved into them too much, so they often run over me. The chores thing for me I call "teamwork" because my counselor suggested giving it a more positive sounding name. We work together and we each pitch in , so it's teamwork. I don't care how many push-ups they need to do or haow hungry they get...And they have a chores sticker-chart too. They like to count up their stars and brag about how many they have. For some reason my children like to do chores. It seems to boost their self-esteem to be useful. The kung-fu teacher told me to tell him the number of push-ups my children get in a week and he will double it by making them do the same number there before class for not listening to their parents. As for home school, I can't imagine...I would get so sick of my children. I'm so glad they're in public school. Admittedly, they need to go to a better one, but at least they're out of the house!lol I wish you well and take a few breaths. It's typical for children this age to not understand the virtue of self-discipline. It's the choice and concequences approach described above that works best, like with the egg timer and whip and carrot-stick. Now if we could just be consistent and stick to it every day. Hmmm I think life would be a lot better. Alas, I'm only human. Take care of yourself too, my dear and don't get down on yourself.

Exactly how many hours a day are they in "school"? My girls go to school and still are expected to help around the house and have plenty of time to play. Sounds like your kids might have pulled a fast one on you. You are over stressed trying to do everything and you are getting strung out and aggrevated. Like I am sure 98% of moms do. Take time for yourself during the day,. Put the broom down and relax for 5 min.

Pick your battles. I used to be a clean freak and get stressed out when things werent done now that my son has behaviour problems I do my housework in pieces and pick what problem is worth the battle with him. take time out for you the small stuff will still be there when you are refreshed

boy do I know how it is raising an 8 year old>..I also have a 10 year old and a 4 year old...ALL GIRLS.
mY 8 year old is the one that gives me the most stress (middle child syndrome?)..sometimes I have to ask her 4 times until she does something...Everyday my children say "you're mean!" I hear that and I've come to accept it..I tell them that Mean Moms care. They don't believe me but someday maybe they will. It doesn't make you a bad mother because you are asking them to do their part. If I had to do it all alone, I would die. I've tried it and gave up trying. It's impossible to do everything for yourself, husband and children. Let alone, you need that alone time which I rarely get. What has worked for me is that there is no television unless their homework and at least 1 chore is done. They yell and scream and say I'm mean, but I've found that it works. Use what they love and you'll get results. Remember to take a breather when it gets too tough...On many occasions I've had to call my husband to come home from work because I can't handle my middle child. She's the most like me and the one I can't handle. She literally drains me of my good energy. Don't lose control. When it gets too hard go to a room and lock it. Take deep breaths and say a little prayer. It also helps if I put on my MP3 player and listen to Celtic or New Age music. Hang in there. We do a lot for our families and it seems unfair sometimes but we get through it. At the end of the day reinforce the love you have for them and let them know how much you love them.....lots of hugs and kisses. you can do it. your friend , DebbieAnn

I am currently in a parenting programme. It is focused on positive parenting and some of it seems a little namby pamby to me at times but something that i am finding really works for our family is praise. It is really hard but when you feel like yelling at them take a breather and find something, anything to praise them about, If you can find nothing just praise them for being. ie...You have really pretty eyes today, they are sparkling. It sounds mad but although at first they may seem a bit suspicious of it in time they will start to lap it up and even try and do things to gain more praise.

Things still need to be done and there are many things you can bring in to try and see that they get done, Sticker charts are fantastic motivational tools as is rocks in a jar with a promise of a reward when the jar is full. It is really hard to stay calm i am so not a patient person and still find it hard not to yell but i try and remember that children learn how to be by example and i really want my children to be more patient than me. It is ok to have time out for mum as well as kids.

Try having a family meeting, let everyone have a chance to talk and say what bothers them, what they think are good family rules to have and what they think should happen if the rules are broken. If they are involved they are more likely to stick to the rules. Remember though that rules have to be kept short 3 or 4 are more than enough.

Good luck hun and i hope that this helps you.