Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

My son is the same, he'll do anything for practically anyone but me, but its because I tend to be a little softer about things. My husband is firm and immediate, while I handle as I go along and sometimes end time out early or sometimes give in because there is just so much else to do. I would pay close attention to how your husband deals with him and figure out how it compares to the way you do.

First of all I think this is every mother's woe.

Are you with him more? B/c if you are than that has the biggest weight on this...they tend to listen a little less to you when you are the one mostly parenting. This doesn't mean that it has to stay this way though.

The best remedy is for you and your husband to be on the same page on everything so your son sees a unified front. Second, men sometimes are more effective b/c of the deepness of their voice. Have you ever seen a baby when they hear a man's voice? Their eyes get bigger and the almost stand at attention to see their father. Our voice caters to them being soothed. (sorry we just aren't going to have the same effect). Try being consistent together and carry out your method without emotion. Instead, lay it out for him "this is the way it is with both of us". Keep the emotion out it (getting upset, yelling) b/c they tend to tune you out.

You're not alone. I think this is a common with a lot of parents and I agree with mishia... it's very important that you and your husband are on the same page in terms of rules, discipline and consequences.

Also, here's a tip that worked SO well for me. If your child knows that there is a chance that you may waver, even a tiny bit, he/she will take full advantage and walk all over you because they know they are going to get away with it. You have to be FIRM and MEAN IT! If you know that you're going to give in (for instance, if your son asks for a cookie and you know that you're ending up caving, just give in the first time he asks... don't say no 3 times and then give in... it sends the wrong message). On important issues: Sleep, safety, health, etc. Be firm and mean it.

Good Luck!

Don't stone me for saying this...

but fathers, I think are typically more consistant, since men deal more in the black and whites of life, so to speak.

As mothers, and therefore women, we are more open to discussion and debate, more apt to change our mind or style of dealing with a situation, and more prone to negotiation. I'm in this boat right along with you, and for a while I was drowning!

Because dads typically are around less hours of the day (at least in my case, as a stay at home mom), I think it is even that much easier for my husband to be consistant in his dealings with the children. They never have to wonder if he "means it" and they have a healthy fear of him. For me, being home all day long with them, I have to do my best to stay as relatively consistant as possible, and depending on where I am at emotionally, some days it is easier for them to break my resolve than others. They always know that they are going to have another chance to get in my good graces... but with dad, if they are with him 2 or 3 hours a day, there isn't much time for the tides to shift... and the time with him is that much more special, so I think they are even more invested in pleasing him than me. Women are more natural at demonstrating the unconditional aspect of love, so kids know that whatever they do, they have us on their side... but with dad, while his love may still be unconditional, its not so readily demonstrated as such, by the nature of the way men nurture. I wish I was better at putting this into words... I feel like its slipping through my fingers and I don't know if it is coming across.

As far as the way he treats you... I know that it can be frustrating to have someone be a model of disrespect in front of your children, and only you can determine how to best deal with that aspect of your husband. For me, it was a matter of not engaging. If he said something that was mean or degrading, even if it hurt inside, I learned to keep up my poker face and simply respond that I knew myself better than to believe that I was who/how he was saying I was... and as he stopped getting responses and defensiveness from me, he actually stopped slamming me with disrespectful attacks. I won't say it never happens, but then, I won't say I haven't called him an idiot this month, either... I learned not to disrespect my husband in front of my kids too (and even not in front of my kids). If I disagree with something he is doing or saying to or with the kids, I bite my tongue and keep it for a private discussion... which opens with, "I saved this to discuss later because I didn't want to disrespect you/undermine your authority in front of your children..." and then proceed to tell him my perspective on whatever happened. No matter what he was doing or saying, undermining him in front of the children is not going to keep their confidence in us as parents, and is not going to make them feel safe. I have also learned that my non-interference has lead to him actually responding well to my gentle corrections, and often has caused him to go back to the child and address the error of his ways, apologize if its appropriate, and come to a healthy sense of resolve. (mind you, I'm not talking about sitting back while he beats the children or anything, I wouldn't do that, but thats not our issue)

Do check out the book "screamfree parenting: a revolutionary approach to raising your children by keeping your cool"

it is great and should really help you with the issue that you mentioned at the end about yelling. Its not about yelling (literally or figuratively). When we reach that level of emotion, we demonstrate that we have lost control of ourselves and are desperately attempting to control the children while we can't even control ourselves. It actually helped me alot in my approach to dealing with my husband, too. I highly recommend it. When you can be firm and cool while training your children, they will be much more prone to take you seriously. Its very hard to take anyone seriously when they are barely in control of themselves and seeking to control you. You might have experienced this at a time when your husband was trying to control you and yet couldnt' keep his own hot button in check. If you can view it objectively, like an observer... its kinda funny.

My husband had the same problem. Our oldest listened to me and not him. He would come up with a ridiculous punishment when he was mad an rescind it when he got over it. Consequently our son didn't listen as well to him. Since he has taken the time to be more calm and think about what he is saying our son is listening much better to him. When you say no mean it every time.