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16 year old says she wants to be only with dad
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I have a 16 year old daughter, and she is going through a phase of being very angry at me. Her father and I are divorced, and things between us are very tenuous. He just hosted my father and his honey and other family members when I had custody, during the only afternoon in the long weekend that I had to spend with her. He didn't ask for her in advance, and did not agree to trade for next Sat., when we are going to the open house at a local college. We will all be going anyway...
She has picked up on his disrespect, and claims that she doesn't need to respect me. She climbed up a tree and wouldn't come down at the end of a very long day for both of us so I called the police. We live in an upper-middle-class community, and the cops talked her down. She is angry for me about that; and that I jokingly told her girlfriend's mom she was "predatory" (we had been talking about predatory lesbians, since I dated a woman, and am warding off another...). Apparently gf's mother was not in on the joke, and gf had to explain it to her mom, who was very worried. Anyway, she will be with me for finals week (next week) and then she goes off with her gf and family for 2 weeks, then 1 Sunday with me and off to her dad's for a week. I already miss her, and I think some of this is designed to make her miss me less. She sat in my living room yesterday and screamed at me that I was crazy, and that she doesn't want to spend any time with me, she wants to live with her dad and have visits with me. I know she needs me and loves me, but she can be very hurtful. And dad is asking for a "report" on the police incident. Forget that - he can call the police for their report... Any advice will be appreciated! Posted on 05/29/12, 08:48 am |
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Next time she climbs the tree, leave her there and go about your business and just check on her every now and again to be sure she's okay. She'da come down on her own at some point.
Before she goes away with her friend, talk to her. Choose your time wisely. Ask her if she can set aside a half hour or so to chat with you. And resolve to make it a chat. No arguing, no accusing and no blaming. Tell her that you love her and you want to make things right again and see if she'll tell you what you can do differently to help that along. Let her know that she can speak truthfully and you won't be mad at her. And whatever she says, really listen to her. And if you are wishing that you hadn't called the police or hadn't made the comment to her gf's mom, tell her that. I think our kids respect us more when we admit we effed up and apologize. 
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Thank you. I talked to her, and she said she needed some time, too. We need to learn to communicate more effectively. She just needed some time. But I was tired (billed 220 hours in May, hardly any work in June...), and wanted to go home. She needs to learn to respect my needs, too.
She actually does recognize she needs me, and wants to spend time with me. When I complain that if she does all these activities with her friends I won't get to see her, she makes time for me. I just need to hang in there...
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