Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) Support Group

Hi ladies,

I need advice. Ava is two weeks old today and since I'm still suffering from post partum hormones I thought I would post and get your honest opinions since I am all over the board.

As some of you may know, I really don't have a relationship with my mom. She is bi polar and frequently off her meds. She severely abused me as a child, she has tried to kill me, threw me out of the house on numerous occasions, etc. so needless to say we never were really close.

When I got pregnant, she told me to expect to miscarry as it's common, and is very manupulative. When I told her that we were having a girl and naming her Ava, she went on and on how she wanted a boy and didn't like the name we chose.

As a result, I haven't spoken to her in months. My shower is coming up, which Ava will be at. She was invited although I did make it clear to the hostess (my mom's sister) that I was not comfortable having her there. Well, my mom emailed me this morning asking if I wanted her to come or was she only invited since it was being held at her sister's house.

I don't know what to say or do. On one hand, I feel guilty keeping Ava away from her grandparents, especially since James's parents are 6 hours away and mine are close, but even James, who is as calm as they come, said he would be afraid to leave Ava alone with my mom even for a few minutes.

I guess I feel torn like I'm keeping Ava away from them, but on the other hand, Ava is two weeks old and she hasn't make an effort to contact me or see me or the baby or even check on how we are doing. Part of me just wants her to stay away, because I know she will just swoop in and try to control everything, and when she doesn't get her way, she gets abusive and stalks me. I've had to change my phone number in the past 3 times because on non stop calls. She just puts on a show that she is the perfect grandmother (she does this with my sister's kids) so I really don't know what to do.

If I tell her I don't want her there, that's the excuse she's looking for to tell everyone that I didn't want her to come, but if I tell her to come, James and I are uncomfortable and feel concerned for our daughter's safety. I wish I wasn't in this situation and it has hit me more since I became a mom. I wouldn't want Ava keeping her kids from me, but I'm also nothing like my mother.

Thank you if you reached the end of this. Please give me your honest opinions. I just need support and want to know if I did decide to keep Ava away from her that I'm not a bad mom for doing so. I just feel this is not a black and white situation. Thanks for any help or advice you give.

Melissa
Posted on 10/28/09, 03:10 pm