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Hi ladies,
I need advice. Ava is two weeks old today and since I'm still suffering from post partum hormones I thought I would post and get your honest opinions since I am all over the board. As some of you may know, I really don't have a relationship with my mom. She is bi polar and frequently off her meds. She severely abused me as a child, she has tried to kill me, threw me out of the house on numerous occasions, etc. so needless to say we never were really close. When I got pregnant, she told me to expect to miscarry as it's common, and is very manupulative. When I told her that we were having a girl and naming her Ava, she went on and on how she wanted a boy and didn't like the name we chose. As a result, I haven't spoken to her in months. My shower is coming up, which Ava will be at. She was invited although I did make it clear to the hostess (my mom's sister) that I was not comfortable having her there. Well, my mom emailed me this morning asking if I wanted her to come or was she only invited since it was being held at her sister's house. I don't know what to say or do. On one hand, I feel guilty keeping Ava away from her grandparents, especially since James's parents are 6 hours away and mine are close, but even James, who is as calm as they come, said he would be afraid to leave Ava alone with my mom even for a few minutes. I guess I feel torn like I'm keeping Ava away from them, but on the other hand, Ava is two weeks old and she hasn't make an effort to contact me or see me or the baby or even check on how we are doing. Part of me just wants her to stay away, because I know she will just swoop in and try to control everything, and when she doesn't get her way, she gets abusive and stalks me. I've had to change my phone number in the past 3 times because on non stop calls. She just puts on a show that she is the perfect grandmother (she does this with my sister's kids) so I really don't know what to do. If I tell her I don't want her there, that's the excuse she's looking for to tell everyone that I didn't want her to come, but if I tell her to come, James and I are uncomfortable and feel concerned for our daughter's safety. I wish I wasn't in this situation and it has hit me more since I became a mom. I wouldn't want Ava keeping her kids from me, but I'm also nothing like my mother. Thank you if you reached the end of this. Please give me your honest opinions. I just need support and want to know if I did decide to keep Ava away from her that I'm not a bad mom for doing so. I just feel this is not a black and white situation. Thanks for any help or advice you give. Melissa Posted on 10/28/09, 03:10 pm |
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You're right, it doesn't sound like a black and white situation. However, in my opinion, the safety of your baby is what matters most right now. If you're truly concerned that your mother might hurt her, I'd keep the distance. Would you rather have something happen to your daughter or your mother telling others you didn't want her there?
In a normal situation, I would not advocate for keeping a child from its grandparents. My mom never had a good relationship with her mom and dad (they were never abusive), but she never let that interfere with the relationship we had with them. However, abuse is a different story... 
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This is such a sensitive topic... I'll just give a 'what I would do' sort of thing...
If you are at a point in your relationship with your mom that you can tell her honestly why she was invited to your shower (i.e. not because you want her there) then do it. Explain to her that if she wants a relationship with her granddaughter that it will be on your terms, period, and see what she does with that. Make it absolutely clear what your expectations are. That way, you are giving your mom the choice to be in Ava's life or not, and it is crystal clear that you are going to lay down the rules about what she can and can't do with Ava. You can include things about the amount of phone calls being unacceptable, or whatever else has been a problem in the past, etc. The tough part would be wording it all carefully so that the message is loud and clear and not lost in a fight. If she still wants to come to the shower after all is said, then it will be because she wants a relationship with her granddaughter. (I'm not sure if your mom trying to repair her relationship with you would be something she would also show by coming to your shower? I don't know the feelings there...) When Ava gets old enough, she can decide whether or not she wants to see her grandmother, and again, it can be on your own terms. If you don't trust your mom to be alone with Ava even then, then you can decide whether a supervised visit would be okay or if it just isn't safe or a good influence for her to see her at all. I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks about the relationship you have with your mother. Your daughter's happiness/safety comes first. The only other thing I would say is that the shower is probably the safest environment for your mom to see Ava, since there will be a lot of people around. I hope this helps and that nothing was offensive or anything. Good for you for thinking about what is best for your daughter. Best of luck, and enjoy your shower!
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I've gone through a similar ordeal with my mother over the past year. I think it gets to a point where you just get fed up with dealing with the headaches and you choose what is best for your child. In the end, I chose quality over quantity- I'd rather have a close and small family rather than a large one that isn't as nice.
My daughter is my mother's only grandchild. It was a really hard decision to make, but it is working out well for us. As far as I'm concerned, my mother lost her parental rights when she did what she did. She was not the abuser, per se, but she did a lot of enabling. Now, she's the one who has to take responsibility for her actions. My daughter is growing up in a completely healthy and happy environment. In the end, I think that's all that matters. Just my opinion, but your mom has you so tied up in her web of manipulation. When you break free, work on getting the facts straight in your head. Your mom is toxic and she wants to drag you down to her level (misery loves company). Don't give her the chance to do that- No Contact. Its not an act of love or hate- its neutral ground (pacifism). I wish you the very best! Hang in there and be strong!
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Your Mother sounds like a toxic person. If it were me I would cut her out of my life. Your daughter does not need that evil in her life. having your Mother in your life has not added any joy to your life so why subject your daughter to that. Good luck!
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I think this is an easy, no-brainer, situation. Your mother has a proven track record of not only dis-interest in your life, but clear abuse and even life-endangering tactics. You should not feel at all guilty about keeping Ava from her! Your the mama bear and if your instincts say to keep your distance, then THAT is what you should do.
As for the family/friend dynamic of people thinking it's your fault or your mother blaming you etc....I can relate. We have alot of that type of drama in my famiy and it can be easy to muddy the waters of your opinions with so much unwanted input. What I do (and it works great for me) is this: When someone inputs their opinion or asks what is going on between you and your mother etc...just simply state, "Well, there is ALOT more to that situation than you realize and it's a very complicated scenario that me and her are working on between us. I'll let you know when/if we get things straightened out. In the meantime, how are XYZ..." I basically let them POLITELY know that they don't know everything,...then I let them feel that I'll include them on an update when I have one...then I swiftly change the subject by asking them about something in THEIR life. They get the hint, feel included somehow AND get to talk about themselves in the end which most nosy people usually enjoy. ;-) Do this a time or two and you can both save the relationship AND get the message across that you are neither going to discuss the situation, nor sling mud, about stuff that isn't their business. AND you get to protect your beautiful girl which is the ultimate goal here.
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My heart goes out to you. Your mom sounds VERY similar to my mom. I moved out of my parents house the day after I graduated high school to get away from her and even though I see her only once every couple years I always give my mom the benefit of the doubt and am always hurt after every encounter I have with her. One reason why I do this is because like you, I think that I would hate it if my daughters didn't let me see their kids, even though I too am nothing like her. At the same time, my sister has no contact with my mom (she has a 1yo and a 2yo) because she just can't stand all the negativity involved with dealing with her and my mom continues to be who she is telling everyone how horrible my sister is. If I could just block my mom from my life, I would do it but something just prevents me from doing so because she is after all my mom. She has only seen my seven year old daughter four times and the new baby once and each time was very upsetting for me. I would never leave my children alone with her but when they are older, if they want to have a relationship with her then I also want them to have that option (which may be why I don't cut her out of my life completely like my husband and sister suggest). I guess my advice isn't very helpful but just know that you aren't the only one with this kind of drama in your life. You are not a bad mom for deciding to keep your baby away from a bad situation.
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Sounds like a very difficult situation and all I can say is go with your gut. In your heart, you know what the right thing to do is. If you and your husband are that concerned, you need to look out for Ava, not your mom. As for the shower, there will be other people there so hopefully if she was there, you could minimize any situation from occuring. Best of luck to you.
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sweetheart, she is toxic to you, your family, but most of all, to your precious child. I would never let anyone like that see my child, and I would never feel guilty about it either. You should not feel guilty one bit---you are protecting your child/family, as a good mother SHOULD do! Tell her that you love her, but you will absolutely have zero contact until she can prove she is straight on her meds. If that takes years, so be it. If it never happens, know that you tried. You cannot fix her. What you CAN do, however, is what is best for your family. And, what's best for your family, is staying away from her. That means,'no' , she is not invited to the shower. 'no' she cannot come over to see you or the baby. 'no' she cannot babysit or be alone with the baby. Remember, you did not make her not take her meds---that is a choice that she has made.
Also, it sounds like your mom has caused you a lot of heartache and hurt in your life. Do you want that for your daughter too? I'm assuming that you are getting help for your PND--good for you!!! It can't be easy. Good luck, and keep us posted!
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your concerns are very important to you and as a mother you decide how to keep your daughter safe.
my opinion would be to keep your daughter away from your mom until your mom can prove that she is on her medication and remains on her meds otherwise there will be no visitation. why put unnecessary stress on your little one if you dont have to. your daughter will be able to sense the tention between you and your mom. a child has the right to visit the other parent if the parents are not together. you can withhold your moms access from your daughter as long as you want. my sons dad and i split a month into my pregnancy. he was verbally, mentally and sexually abusive. my son is the product of a rape infact. he never wanted to be dad in the first place. but his mom kept showing up for visits after my son was born and she was consistently sick. because my loser ex didnt step up and say you cant be around right now because you are sick, i made that decision very easy and told him that he was only allowed to visit because he kept bringing people who were ill or been around someone who was ill and my little guy always got ill afterwards. you have the right to say who you want around your child and who you dont want around her.
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I am not one to keep grandbabies from there grandparents, but if you feel that she is in a bad enviroment and might be harmed I wouldn't leave her alone at all.
If you were posted that she would give her junl food or something like that (yes I know she is 2 weeks old) but if she were older that is different but what she has done to you growing up and having a mental disorder you would not forgive yourself if something happen. maybe have the visits monitored iwth you and your hubby. the shower would be fine if she was there so many people are there and she probably would be on her best behavior if not at least you are there and many would help watch her with the baby. Its your child and you need to do what is best for you and her.
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