Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) Support Group

I really sympathise. It's so hard to convince people who ascribe to cry it out that there's any other way to parent (particularly if that's what they did). I've had this argument with my spouse, who was influenced by people outside the home with respect to attachment parenting for our highneed premie. I did the same thing, quoted books etc which didn't work very well. (Cry it outer's always seem to think any inconvenient aspects of a small babies personality are proof of 'incorrect' parenting. I think the opposite - with a high need the baby it is essential to parent them sensitively.) At the end of the day, I was the one doing most of the primary parenting work so I politely listened to the talk but then just went ahead and did it my own way. If you aren't comfortable with the confrontation, I'd say ignore, deflect and avoid debate on it as much as possible, and continue with your own parenting style as confidently as you can. It's hard to harass someone who won't engage in the argument, and after a while, even if they don't agree they are bound to get used to it. Babyhood is short and, like you said, it's not a contest. Even if you support some form of cry it out, one month old is awfully young for it, I would think.

For the record, I tried it once. After much nagging, at about 4 month old when I was particularly overwhelmed, my spouse insisted on cry it out one night rather than my usual nursing and partial cosleeping routine. After 30 minutes of horrible high pitched screaming and failed attempts to comfort without me there, the whole idea was quietly abandoned,. However some people simply aren't bothered by babies cries so you might not want to get into that situation.

geez, we must be marrying into the same family!! my fiancee and i have a one month old daughter ourselves, and his mother is critical and catty.
i breast feed, and she is constantly claiming that formula fed babies are better. all her kids used formula and they were never fussy like our baby. and she is always telling me i dont dress marlow properly and blah blah blah.
honestly, the best way i have found to deal with her is to tell her(politley when i really want to let her have it) that times have changed and there is new ways to do things that werent around when her kids were little.
But choose your battles my dear! if she rags on you about how the baby isnt wearing 3 layers in +30C weather just smile and nod, save your energy for the bigger issues.
Somethings won't change though...i think that my mother in law and i will be having the formula vs breast feeding argument until marlow is off of breast milk!
good luck...i definitley empathize!

I'm lucky that I live 3.5h away from our families and they are both pretty good at not criticising. But even like this, I still sometimes feel like I'm being criticised or that it is a competition with other children/grandchildren. I think it's because just by doing something different to what your Mum/MIL/sister/SIL did you're implicitly criticising them. Subconsciously (or consciously!) they'll see that you're doing differently to them and see that in itself as criticism and respond defensively. None of us know that what we're doing is 100% right and neither did they and they need to justify what they did so it's a recipe for conflict. They may even feel guilty deep down for not having breastfed or from having listened to their own babies screaming for them for hours because someone told *them* that it was the right thing to do and they weren't strong enough to ignore their MIL etc. I think women were a lot less in control in the past, less well educated and expected to do what they were told by men. I'm just glad I live here and now!!

For the record I think there's absolutely no point in leaving a 1month baby to cry. I don't think it will be scarred for life by the experience :) but personally I find it much more mentally tiring to listen to a distressed infant than to just comfort it. It's not about the baby so much as about the Mum's well being. I had 3 month colic and apparently screamed in unsoothable pain all evening for 3 months as a baby but of course don't remember this at all, however my Mum and Dad clearly do and had a horrible time. Don't do anything that makes parenting any harder than it already is, even if others tell you that you should. Later on you'll have to stand your ground and not give in to tantrums but I think a child's brain has to be much more developed for this to be relevant.

I am really lucky that my mom totally respects whatever decisions we make about our daughter -- but even then, she will make little comments that make me bristle. Like how I shouldn't let my daughter associate food with comfort or she will grow up to be overweight. She's sometimes really critical of whether or not my daughter needs to be fed because she doesn't want her to be overweight. OK, she's 4 1/2 months old and only in the 50% percentile for weight, it's not really something I'm too worried about right now! So I can't imagine what it's like to be in your situation and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that!

All I can say is, stick to your guns. If you are the primary caregiver for your daughter then it is your right to make those decisions yourself. Your fiance should be involved in the process, of course, but if he's not the one who has to live with those decisions all day and night, then it really needs to be what you are comfortable with. And remember our parents came from a time where parenting was very different -- something my mom comments on all the time. It's not a race and your daughter needs the room to develop at her own pace.

As far as cry it out goes... my daughter is high maintenance and a very sensitive child, especially to change. I tried cry it out for napping a grand total of 3 days when she was about 4 months old and scrapped it. She knows how to put herself to sleep, but she is not a baby who naps easily or willingly and I have to catch her just right and stick to the routine. If I do that, she will nap. If I don't, there is no power on this earth than could make her nap. I've reconciled myself to that fact and know that cry it out could never work for her. If you decide to try cry it out, know that 1 month is far too young for it to work. Most experts say at least 3 months and some say 6 months.

I have a 5 week old baby girl.. I know that at this age, they cry when they need something. Hunger or attention, doesn't matter, at this age it's a need and not a want. I don't like "cry it out", I also have a ten year old and I tried that exactly once. I'm not saying my way was perfect, but he's happy and healthy now...

Millys, this is fabulous advice!

"I'd say ignore, deflect and avoid debate on it as much as possible, and continue with your own parenting style as confidently as you can. It's hard to harass someone who won't engage in the argument, and after a while, even if they don't agree they are bound to get used to it."

You must have a job in diplomacy! =)

NOM