Adoption Support Group

i would ask anything that you would if you were adopting a new born but adapte them to the child's age. what's her history? fav food, color the little things that matter and also what her temperment is what she's been through the amount of foster homes and traveling back and forth between foster homes and birth family if that was the case. ask anything even if it seems like a little question you'll be happy that you asked. wishing you the best of luck and hope this is for you

Phew...ok...lemme see - my background - 4 adopted children! Two I adopted when the were 10 and two when they were 6. They are now 29, 22, 20 and 14. My first best advice is to know that you will not be getting the perfect child, there is no such thing. The most important aspect of adopting the older child in my book is, depending on their relationship with birth parents/family - is to remember that they have one. Even by age 6 they have more than likely been tossed around quite a bit. They need and want stability, even if they don't act like they do AND BELIEVE ME THEY WONT!! But if you learn as much as you can and give it your all - you and they will be fine!!!

at this age she will now who her parents are so you will need to be very understanding of this.Even though they may have treated her harshly(who Knows why she is in the system being adopted) she will still love them and will most likely feel that they have abandoned her.She may feel very insecure and it will be hard for her to realise that you are offering security that she hasnt known before.She comes with baggage and you could talk to other kids who have been adopted at a later age..I was a baby when adopted but the feelings of rejection can still be present even for an adult.
Give her security and your love and bring her up as your own child.

Thank you all so much for your advice- I'll take it all to heart.
I really appreciate it!

I would ask about her history, her current situation, any kind of learning disabilities. Try to get as much background information as possible. My son was 4 when we got him as foster parents. It was 2 1/2 years for the adoption to be finalized. I was able to get a lot of background information, including birth parents' history of depression, alcoholism and drug addiction. The more information you can get, the better. Also, we were able to get my son on state medicaid until he is 18, which not only covers medical and dental but also counseling and psychiatrist (for ADHD meds, etc.) Knowing what we know, helped me to understand the crazy, and often times scary, behavior. We had 2 1/2 years of night terrors that were every night. The day the adoption was final (and I told him no one would ever take him away again) those night terrors stopped!

Find out what support groups are available and what kinds of counseling is available. Not to scare you, but more than likely, you are going to need it.

We visited my son in his former foster home for several months until he came to live with us. We would visit 4-5 times per week and take him on day trips. The day we met him, I brought him a little photo album with photos of my husband and I, my house, our dog and cat, my mom, my sister and her kids, etc. This way over those few months, he could look at them and become familiar with them. Also, we would take pictures during our visits and day trips and add those photos to the little album. I think that helped him transition a little better.

As we got to know him over those few months (my son is now going to be 13 in a month), we found out he liked Pokemon and bought Pokemon sheets for his bed and put up Pokemon posters. So his room "evolved" over those months that we visited. We went to all kinds of parenting classes (my favorite was Love & Logic Learning) and also read many books on older adopted kids. This also helped me to understand some of the issues so that I felt empowered and not scared as some of them came up.

We keep in very close contact with his former foster mom (he calls her Mom Mom). We send her Grandmother cards for mother's day, Christmas, etc. My son goes to visit and calls her any time he wants. I love her and she was such a positive influence on his life. She and her husband were older and could not adopt him and had some health issues. So this grandparent relationship works great for everyone. She gets to love him and give him back and he gets to see her.

I would learn about the different situations from books that you may be facing: reactive attachment disorder (RAD), ADHD, PTSD, etc. I would start a memory book for her if none has been started (pictures and momentos.) Does she have siblings? This may also have an affect on things. My son has 2 sisters and a brother, all adopted to other families. None of the other adoptive parents want any contact, and this hurts my son terribly.

A health history is also going to be beneficial. I found out my son had a huge history with fluid in ears, tubes, multiple ear infections. He had 5 ear infections the first 6 months he lived with us. We ended up going to an ear nose throat specialist and got that all taken care of. We have some minor food issues/hoarding (yes, still) due to food issues from before (starving.) I found some petrified waffles in his drawer the other day.

I think the most important thing is to understand the nature of her being put of for adoption. The more severe, or earlier the abuse, the harder it is going to be to deal with. Also, gathering information may help in the future when she gets older and has questions (as we are now dealing with. Puberty = questions.)

Hope this helps you. I am here if you have any questions, concerns, need to talk. I love my son. Would not trade him for anything. It was maybe a full year before I stopped feeling like a babysitter and my true maternal instinct kicked in, and boy, did it kick in hard! But you are always welcome to send me a message, add me as a friend, whatever.

Take care and good luck! This road can be scary, but the rewards are IMMENSE! I truly believe that God brought this little boy to me for a reason.