What is Adoption
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Adoption results in the severing of the parental responsibilities an...
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i was wondering if anyone is experiencing the same thing that i am.
i am a male that was adopted when i was 4 wks old. i hate women. i am starting to think that it has to do with abandonment issues. my bm gave me up. my apoptive family did their best in raising me. but man i am not a well rounded guy like my kids are as i was brought up in a very very religious home and was really not exposed to a normal family life. my relationship with my adoptive mom is congeneal. we have really had our differences and i dont like her. i love her, but i dont like her. i got married at 22 and divorced at 36. my wife wanted the seperation. i wanted to try and make it work, but it takes two to do that, so that didnt work. i have not had a successful relationship since. the last woman that i had a significant relationship with caused me to claim bankruptcy. i found my bm and bf. they got married to each other 3 years after i was born and had 3 more boys. i only found them about 3 years ago. that relationship is somewhat strained and didnt turn out like i imagined. that story is a long one that i cant get into here, but lets just say i could write a book. so lately i have been thinking that the significant women in my life have just not much cared about me. am i crazy, am i just laying blame? am i looking for an easy answer to my problems. i dont know. i am seeing someone professionally, and they know my situation, however i think i may have to discuss this all again with her. what triggered this is that the girl i am seeing now; we had a huge fight and i dont understand why this keeps happening to me. the only common denominator here is me. so i have to assume that there are underlying issues that i need to deal with. i dont trust anyone, especially a woman. but i believe that it has to do with more then trust. anyone having the same problems? anyone? Posted on 10/04/09, 07:10 pm |
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Your story is a common one. Being that you were adopted so young, it's really hard to say if you have abandonment issues; How did your adoptive family incorporate this into your growing up as a kid? or was it something that was never discussed? How did they make you feel about being adopted? 
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i was told at an early age(when i understood what adoption meant)that i was adopted. during my youth and as i was growing up adoption was not discussed and its not like when i did something wrong that it would be thrown in my face. my apotive parents raised me as well as they knew how. there was always food on the table, clothes on my back and roof over my head. A lot of my uncles aunts cousins are either pastors, missionaries or whatever, and there sometimes seemed to be that feeling that i would get that the reason that my sister and i were adopted was because they felt that they could do gods work by saving 2 lost souls and raising them as god fearing religious people; just like what all my relatives are. one other tid bit, my father was by far the emotional one. he was the one that hugged me and kissed me. he would cry at a birthday card, stuff like that. my mother was stoic. i dont think i have ever seen her cry even to this day. she is the one that wears the pants in that family. no doubt about that. so ive often got mad at my dad for being kind of a pushover.
something else i find interesting also is that only in their later years (they are both 80 now) does my mother say that she loves me. i dont remember that being said much as i was growing up. im the opposite. everytime i talk to my kids on the phone or in person i always tell them from when they were babies to now as grown adults that i love them. and if i see them in person they get a hug from me. anyways. i thank you for your response.
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Wow....that's so weird. We share a lot of similarities. My mom is stoic yet the push over, my dad is sensitive but harsh at the same time, we didnt have a good relationship...He only spoke to me when he was yelling usually. Or at night when he would call me into his room and we would talk about "the word of God", he didnt go to church or read the bible, he was mostly rambling. But they NEVER said I love you. On the rare occasions they would I would get this uncomfortable jolt through my body, like it was a dirty word something. Now that they are older, my dad ALWAYS says it, my mom says it every now and then. I don't have kids but I always tell my pets and my boyfriend I love them, all day every day, and I want to raise my kids that way when I have them. It's a bit of a double condundrum you know, not only are you adopted...your adopted parents never say I love you. You can't console yourself by saying "Well they gave birth to me so they have to love me, even if they doesn't say it".
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well that is for sure a good start. telling your pets and bf that you love them will help break the cycle. i will tell you that my kids are way more well rounded then i ever was.
i turned out to be rebelious at times and had the cops at my parents door a couple of times, but my kids are much more behaved and they are not afraid to talk to me about anything. they know that i have been there and done that and i will love them unconditionally. my adoptive mom and dad always had conditions. at least thats how it felt. they really never did anything to make me feel otherwise. i think its odd/funny that a lot of stories are the same.
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I wonder if you have ever talked to your a parents how you feel?
Maybe that wouldnt help and would fall on deaf ears I was adopted at 4 wks too but brought up to believe i was the child of my adoptive parents I do not know which is worse knowing or not knowing grew up missing affection though there was plenty of love Do you have a relationship with your bparents?
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i was always brought up as a child of my adoptive parents. the problems with them were more that they felt it was a duty, their calling and the fact they felt that i needed saving. more so religious saving. i didnt see normal family life. my parents never fought, i never saw public affection, there were never any arguments(unless i was the one doing the arguing), and to tell you the truth i never thought that was abnormal until i was a father, and had a family.
i do have a relationship with my bio parents, however its very limited and a little strained. they have huge guilt issues and i have these rejection issues. some of this stuff has for sure been discussed however the biggest issue here is (at least i think it is and i have mentioned it to them) that they regret somewhat agreeing to meet me and strike up a relationship. they didnt realize the so called can of worms that they were opening when they agreed to meet with me. this can of worms has to do with the extended bio family. i have never been invited over for xmas, easter, thanksgiving, anything for that matter. i have always had to take the initiative and invite myself over and then i was only allowed if certain family members were not also coming over. i am treated like a procilean figurene. brought out when appropriate, and then put away when they needed to hide me. so what the hell does that mean? this has all been discussed with them. they have not really addressed the issues, so i guess to a degree its fallen on deaf ears.
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I am finding it is hard to have relationships with t he bio family.
Especially cause I have to contend with the issues inside the family and the people they have become because of the way they have been brought up. As my BM is loved but feared by her family interaction with me is seen as a direct reason for bm to get angry with them so they make excuses and stay away from me. I actually don't think she would be cross with them at all as she seems to have resolved that some of the family want to know me. The dynamics of families can be so complicated so i wouldn't take it personally.I think I could write a whole A4 page and the diferent problems i know of in the family.
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thanks mouse.
ya families can be really wierd. and having two makes it even more so.
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Ihate everyone and trust no one. I was adopted when I was 3 days old and I am just getting my adoption papers this week from my adopted family. We barely speak. I just wantto know what I did wrong and why she hated me so much. Do I hate women? Who knows but I certainly don't trust them any further than I can throw them. My only friends, men or women, are on the internet.Here and facebook. This way they can't hurt me. I was told when I was 6 that I was adopted and I was never allowed to talk about it again. I understand what you are going through.
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hey pink
thanks for your input. you know what? i think that you are right. i am not so sure that i actually HATE women, but i know (just like you) that i dont TRUST them at all. i dont really trust anyone. even my friends. there is no reason for me not to trust them, they havent done anything that makes me feel this way, its just that when push comes to shove i think that they would bail. ya there are times i feel so alone its not funny. i am having a lot more night mares and im starting to get bad thoughts during the day too. i am seeing a therapist. maybe its something that you ought to think about too. it does help. sometimes things are put into perspective and that helps. but i will tell you its a long process seeing someone. i am one impatient person which does not help at all. take care and i wish you all the best.
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