Adoption Support Group

I am an adoptee and I was told that I was adopted since before I ever understood what it even means, it was always discussed in a positive manner so it wasn't an issue. I will tell you that I do have issues as an adult because when I was adopted it wasn't as important to know medical history, ect. I wish it was because there are so many frustrations with this as well as not really knowing all that much about my biological family. I never wanted to replace my adoptive parents I just wanted to know my genetic history. My adoptive parents where always confident that I just wanted the information and didn't want to replace them so they tried to help. Basically I would suggest that you make sure that you gather all information you can for this child when the time comes (or consider open adoption), always be honest and be confident that your child will love you just for the loving parent you want to be and no one can take that away. Good luck.

We tried to conceive for over 7 years, culminating in a failed IVF and 2 years of marriage counseling. Same thing with us: Husband had low count/low motility. He has this male ego thing going on. If it had been up to my husband, we would have taken out a 2nd mortgage on the house to keep trying IVF until it worked. I desperately wanted to adopt from the beginning. I was so ready to give up the roller coaster ride of TTC. I think I alwasy knew this was the route I was meant to take. My husband met a guy who was adopted himself and ran his own adoption agency. That finally, opened my husband up to the idea of adoption, and also got him excited about it. We signed up with the agency for infant adoption. I bumped into an acquaintence and told her we were looking to adopt, and here she worked for our local DFYS for our state. Ultimately, we were matched with my son, who was 3 1/2 at the time. Was only about 3-4 months for us to be matched with our son as preadoptive parents. Termination of Parental Rights had been started. He was in foster care at the time.

Because he was older, we were honest about adoption from day 1, as we visited him in foster care multiple times over several months before he came to live with us. I had read several books on adoption beforehand, including books on toddler adoption. This opened my eyes to a lot of issues that he could possibly have, many of which he actually did have. He even did some visits with us before he came to live with us. We also took a bunch of parenting classes.

He called us by our first names for over a year. We were foster parents for almost 2 1/2 years before the parental rights were terminated and the adoption was final. I lived in fear that "they" would come and take him away. It was hard on him and hard on us. We were paid a stipend from the state every month until the adoption was final. I hated that check! It was a monthly reminder that we were not officially his parents, but glorified baby sitters.

I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. But I know deep down, we all held back. I know he hurt really bad. (he came from neglect and abuse.) He felt that they were coming to take him away as well. But I found a strength in myself after that first year to fight, and also to love unconditionally. I just made the decision that I would love him no matter what, I would do whatever was best for him. That is when he began calling us mommy and daddy.

I was blessed. My family was very supportive and treated our son like a member of the family from day 1. My husband's family was a little rough. I never wanted to keep secrets from him from day 1. I made it a point to try to be honest but tactful. Tactful meant telling him the truth of things in an age appropriate manner. Now he is 12, so we talk much more openly about things and he has a lot more questions.

When we got the call that the TPR went through (2 years of court all the way to Supreme Court), and then the judge signed the adoption papers, we were SO excited. David was 6. Even he cried. We had a baptism and a big baptism/adoption party and invited all of our friends and family. it was wonderful. I still have the little green pair of overalls he was wearing the day we met him, as well as pictures of him wearing them. We still pull them out every so often and giggle and talk about it.

I knew, when I had that fight in me after about a year, I KNEW he was mine. The mother's instinct kicked in, HARD! It is amazing. I will never forget on 2 separate occassions, he was down the street playing with friends and I heard him screaming and I KNEW it was him and that he was hurt. Our windows were closed and the tv was on, but I knew it was him. My husband thought I was nuts. But I knew he was in trouble. There are a lot of moments like that that remind me I am his mommy.

Some of the downers: the issues we deal with (PTSD, ADHD, RAD), his anger, finding out his other 3 siblings were also adopted out, dealing with feelings he doesn't want to deal with, also many times feeling judged. We had home visits for about 3 years (because of the 2 1/2 years before TPR). Also, I don't think some of our family and friends truly understand our issues, so sometimes I feel alone.

Coming here is great. Meeting bio moms, adoptees, and other adoptive parents. It has really helped me to understand what my son may be going through and helped me not feel so alone.

I hope this helps!

As an adoptee, I can tell you a little about "our" side of the story.

Any relationship based on lies and secrets is a sick relationship.

We are human beings and should have rights. The truth about ourselves should not be hidden from us. We should be able to know important facts about our very selves, such as who are biological parents are, why we were given up, our medical histories, cultural heritage.

Being adopted does not wipe away the facts of who we are. It is not up to anyone else to lie to us about that. We are not dolls...we are real people with real histories. We are not computers that can be wiped clean and reprogrammed with a new owner. We are who we are.

I love my adoptive parents, and never wanted to replace them with my biological parents, but as I got older, I very much wanted to know the truth about who I am, where I came from, etc.

Being adopted creates a lot of baggage. The interactions with your family will not be completely the same as if it were your biological child. I was a "happy" adoptee, and I still have adoptee issues to deal with!

Children who find out much later in life that they were adopted often feel great betrayal and are traumatized, as they realize their whole life has been a lie!

Before adopting, I hope you will think on these things and ask yourself if you are willing to accept the adoptee's need to know about themself. Can you deal with the issues honestly and courageously....or base your adoption on lies and secrecy?

I so agree with the advice of "truthseeker". I am a birthmom who reunited with my daughter 20 years ago. We have such a wonderful relationship and I feel blessed beyond words. However, her adoptive parents never told her she was adopted. She figured it out on her own. I know this lack of openess and honesty on their parts had an effect on her and made her even more curious to know her roots. (She still loves them dearly, however, and they..not I, are her parents. In my mind, no legal papers can erase a human being's right to know one's ancestry and medical history...at the very least. When you adopt a child, I believe, though maybe painful, that the adoptive parents must accept and face that the child did not drop down from the sky. The child has a right to the loving parents and home into which he/she was adopted, but he/she also has the right to know and be able to embrace themselves in totality. Secrets are toxic!!! As for your feelings for the baby...in addition to having 2 other children, I was also a foster mom. Trust me, I loved him (he has passed on) as much as I loved the children I gave birth to.
I know it's scary, but walk in faith. The human heart has an infinite capacity to love.

With the way things are with our advancing medical field and technology, it is more and more likely for these things to be figured out by the child later on.
I think it is always better to go with the truth up front than to have to deal with your child not trusting you later on. They may have trouble trusting you with other things from then on. It could create a lot more psychological damage to find out your parents have been lying to you your whole life. I agree with truthseeker. You don't want your relationship to start off based on lies. It isn't healthy for any of you.

I was adopted when I was three weeks old. My Mom started telling me that I was adopted before I even understood the meaning of it. She told me wonderful stories...like I was picked out of a room full of babies because I was the prettiest.. Back then (I'm 47), the bio parents had up to two years to 'change their minds.' Mom told me (and this is true) that she would rock me as an infant and say "We'll just leave the country if they try that." That made me feel so good when I was little.
I briefly scanned someone else's response and she mentioned 'having a lot of baggage.' That is true...but who doesn't have baggage if they're totally honest? I took care of a lot of that baggage (among other baggage) :-) in my mid 30's. I went to counseling for six years. NOT because I was adopted. That was truly the last issue that I worked on and it was life changing to let go of the pain that I never was fully conscious that it existed.
My counselor told me when we first started talking about me being adopted that most of the things that bugged me about Mom and Dad were magnified by me being adopted therefore abandoned. I thought that was a crock until I had the courage to work through it. I found that what she said was true. It explained why I didn't want Mom to EVER go anywhere without me...I was always crying...probably until at least age 5 or 6. I faked being sick a lot in the first grade so I could go home. I kept tapping into the original abandonment by my bio Mom and didn't have the language to express it. Not that Mom and Dad would have known what to do with it anyway. My couns,. told me that even though bio mom left me when I was only two days old...that I knew it because my adopted Mom smelled different, sounded different, etc. I now believe that. Does this all make me feel like I wish that I weren't adopted. GOSH NO, It is what it is. I can't imagine my life without my parents and the extended family that i have.
Mom reported more than once that she always felt toward me like she had given birth to me.
I have seen folks who don't deal with their adoption have 'other' issues. One friend of mine is over 400 pounds. He will not own the fact that being adopted is part of that. He also has other issues as we all do that I'm sure contribute. He says he doens't want to meet them.
I have two cousins that are adopted. Neither one wants to know anything about their bio parents. It is so obvious to me that they feel that they would be betraying their parents. That bothers me because we all have a right to find out medical background and to see who we look like. I found out when I was 25. I wish that I would have had some guidance when I did it. Just simply remind your child when he/she is older that wanting to find out is normal and acceptable, BUT to remember in the back of his mind that there may be things that he doesn't like, etc. Going into it with an understanding of that is helpful.
My bio Mom and I exchange Xmas cards and b'day cards. We speak on the phone every year or two. THere's only one woman that gets a b'day card...my mother. :-) About three years ago, my Mom said she wanted to meet bio Mom. My joke is, "Then I was CERTAIN that Mom had Alzheimers because she never before wanted to meet her." Mom really does have Alzh and I'm so glad they met before Mom got worse. I have a picture of me between them. It was good for my Mom to let go of that fear (old fear that Karen was coming back to get me).
Dad let me get by w/ way too much growing up. My Mom often told me that he was afraid that I would run away and find bio's. I don't agree that any adopted parents act under that kind of fear. Set boundaries for an adopted child just like you would any other child.
NOT telling it can cause a lot of damage. I know one woman that didn't find out until she was 21. It devastated her. ANother woman that found out at the cafeteria table in the 7th grade. Her friends said, "You can't sit here. You're adopted and we dont' know where you came from."
Hope this helped. ADOPT A CHILD...you will be the answer to this child's future. He may not have ever had the chance to be the best he could be without you.
Queenie

hi everyone! thanks for your helpful replies. actually, i also have an adopted older sister and she is my one and only sibling. the thing is, our parents tried hard to keep her being adopted a secret. i only found out of that fact when i was 19 years old. so you see i grew up thinking that we really came from the same womb. however, when i found out that my sister is adopted, it didn't change the way i feel for her. i still love her with all my heart. but i think that my sister had an idea that she is adopted, it's just that we really don't talk openly about it.

one of my cousins who is close to my sister later told us that my sister doesn't have any interest of finding her biological mom and further informed us that according to my sister, if she ever crossed path with biological mom there's only one thing that she would ask and that is why did she abandoned her. that info made our parents felt good because it has always been their fear that if my sister ever found out that she was adopted, she my opt to leave us and find her biological mother.

so you see, i really can't talk to my sister openly about how it feels like to be adopted for fear that i might offend her since her being adopted is not an open topic at our house. however, my sister is aware of our plans to adopt if all our fertility work-ups fail. my sister even suggested that if we're going to adopt a baby, we should make sure that the biological mom doesn't know us so that she will not be able to pester us into taking the child back

I just read your last reply and as someone who is adopted, I feel the same way. I cant speak for everyone that has been adopted but the one question I want to know is why? I think its something you take in strides but like many others who have replied to your post, my adoption has always been talked about as a positive thing. I think its great being adopted because my parents gave me a chance at a better life so Im so appreciative of it. It took me a while to understand it but I know I am way better off. hope this helps and good luck! =)

I was a secret until I was 46yrs old.The shock was immense and two years on I am still coming to terms with it
I think the problem for my a parents was that there was never the right time to tell myself and my brother
others who have known all along starting with stories when they were little seem to be able to cope a bit better with the knowledge????
when you find out as an older person you feel betrayed ,lied to and you have a huge identity problem.And as an older person this can happen after your a parents pass away and there is nothing worse than not being able to talk to them about it.
It is important to know why you were adoopted and i feel shocked not knowing medical history and letting me think that i was biologically related when i wasnt.all those forms about my medical history were all lies back then and I dont know how they kept the pretence going
another point is that my a mum lived in fear of me finding out. I realised later how several things point towards this

ok so hopefully that is part helpful the other part i think was me venting but i mean all of it

Hi...I have adopted 3 children from Latin America...I have never had a child by birth, but I cannot imagine being any more bonded/connected to a birth child than I was to these 3 kids..I loved them the first time I laid eyes on them, and had no problems bonding. I have always just thought of them as my kids, and have always had a good relationship w/ each of them... they are now 12, 17 and 19, but arrived as babies!
I wish you all the best!!!