Adoption Support Group

Kate: I do understand that there is a basic need to know where you come from, and I hope that the bio parents' situation is such that I wouldn't feel I was placing my child in an unsafe environment by allowing contact with the bio parents. I don't see any reason why the desire to parent precludes the ability to fulfill a need in a child's life. Without the former, you certainly couldn't have the drive and desire to be the latter.

In regards to nobuddy's comments, not everyone is a victim of their circumstances. I know people who have had every opportunity, families and friends who loved them, and still made horrible choices that led to their addictions/problems/basic downfall in life. At some point, you need to take ownership of your actions and behaviors. If you can't do that, then you are the ONLY one to blame in the end. I don't believe for one single minute that everyone who gives up a child is victimized and does it because she was forced to do so by circumstance and would really prefer to be the mother. Does it happen? For sure. But there are also women who broker their children for whatever they can get. Will I be a better mother than someone who gets pregnant with no thought, and then simply sells her child to the highest bidder, just because I have to sell my belongings, save every penny, and actively work to become parent to a child? You bet I will. Your presumption that everyone who adopts is rich and powerful is laughable. Poor people are cursed with infertility and blessed with the desire to parent a child not their own, too.

Sassy - I completely agree with taking responsibility for one's actions. And, no one really knows why some victimized people become addicts and some don't, other than a genetic predisposition to obsessive or addictive behaviour.

But I disagree with the idea that people who haven't been victimized become addicts. Perhaps there's a lack of emotional resiliency that causes them to be more vulnerable to the normal slings and arrows of living, or perhaps there's a trauma that they are unwilling to divulge (often the case with rape and incest victims) or any number of circumstances, but I have yet to meet one who didn't have some unmet need that they were trying to fill with self-medication.

What concerns me about your attitude is that lack of compassion. If and/or when you're able to purchase children, how will that lack of compassion translate when they refuse to bond to you despite your best efforts? Will you blame them for not being able to suck it up? Will you return them whence they came when they get to be too much trouble?

I strongly recommend you familiarize yourself with, and find some compassion for those of us adult adoptees who are expressing ourselves, because the children you buy may very well have the same problems as we do, and if you can't find understanding and compassion for our viewpoint, then I pity the traumatized children you buy, for they will likely be met with the same stonewalling "my way or the highway" view.

From the tone of your posts, I'm reading that you are hell-bent on buying children and far be it from me to talk you out of it - there are many damaged kids who desperately need loving homes.

But if you delude yourself into thinking they're going to bond with you in the same way that a child of your womb will, you are in for a lifetime of heartache, and the child your purchase is in for a life of hell. And what's worse, if it turns out badly, everyone blames the adoptee instead of looking at what the adoptee endured.

Everyone else gets a free pass, but the adoptee has to live with the trauma while society tells them they're unreasonable.

Again - permanent guardianship for children who need homes - great. Lying to a child and telling it that it is what it isn't sets that child up for a lifetime of pain that can never be fully healed: only endured.

Nope, I was bullied and lied into my son in 1981. I was expected to get on withmy life and forget my son. Fast forward 23 years and I found him to find out he had found my family in 1999 (he was 18\) who lied and told him they didn't know where I was.

I suffer with depression, have self harmed and been suicidal because of adoption. My son also suffers with depression and hates being adopted.

TO .. MOUSE8844 -> You are so right on the target! I have 2 adopted boys and 1 foster son and the stories they tell me about the past and how much they were abused, neglected and just tossed aside ... OR they tell me about how bad some of the foster care places they have been are to them... I give them 110% of myself - I try so hard to get the love and respect from them BUT it doesn't matter because.........

THE ONE THING THEY ALL SAY IS:: they still love and very much miss their Bio Mom's & Dad's... It's hard to even think after everything these kids have gone through that the love for their bio family always remains in the heart! BUT IT DOES - THAT IS SO TRUE!

In reading some of the posts, I wanted to clarify my statements regarding being an adoptee and my relationship with my adoptive parents.
I was adopted when born, supposedly the result of a liaison between a doctor and a nurse. I knew I was adopted as long as I remember and often embarrassed my adoptive parents by proudly declaring it when the situation arose. I never knew my biological parents and learned only my mothers name...my father was indicated as "unknown". I've never heard from either of my birth parents, but haven't pursued it aggresivly. I think it is every adoptee's wish to see their birth parents...not necessarily meet them, but to be able to physically see their origins.
I consider my adoptive parents to be my only parents, always have, always will. Even though their marriage failed when I was 13, I never really felt abandoned. Both parents were there for me when I needed them and were always supportive. Any difficulties I faced were the result of the marriage breakup and the subsequent aftermath that every child must endure when in similar situations...regardless of them being birth or adopted children. All children suffer, regardless of birth status. Some suffer relativly little, some suffer greatly. I was fortunate to have a great pair of adoptive parents, but I have also paid some dues. Any dues that I have paid don't stem from my adoption but from the curves that life throws at us and my ability or inability to deal with them.
In an earlier post I spoke about not feeling a strong bond with my parents, but I believe that I mis-worded the thoughts. I was confusing the bond a parent feels for their children to the bond a child feels for his/her adoptive parents. Children can usually recover from a loss of a parent (or both) but often the loss of a child can be the end of the road for the parent. The bond is there, but it is different depending on the perspective of the child or parent.
I often thought about meeting my birth mother, but I was afraid that my appearance 52 years later might be too much for her to deal with. I have made myself available on several internet services that provide this type of service, but haven't tried to track her down in earnest
In summary, adopted life for me was great. I am fortunate to have my life end up as it has, and any bumps along the way were simply the events every person has to go thru, adopted or not. One parting thought, now that I have a daughter of my own...I couldn't imagine a life without her at this point in my life. If I were forced to put her up for adoption, it would be a decision that would haunt me for the rest of my life, as I'm certain many birth parents feel. Sometimes circumstances dictate difficult decisions that can affect your life as much as an adoptee's life...how many birth mothers have dropped into depression after losing a child..quite a few I'm sure. Adoption is a decision that can be both wonderful as well as terrible. As a potential adoptive parent, please be there to support your child for the remainder of your lifetime. There will be issues, but none that you wouldn't have with children of your own. Understand their needs and you will be rewarded with a life of great joy...I am grateful for the life I have been given and was fortunate to have great parents. As for birth parents, giving up your children can be a heavy burden to carry for the rest of your life. I don't feel any animosity towards you as you do what must be done for whatever reasons. Many couples can't have children and you provide a chance for their dreams to come true. Keep everything in perspective.
Sorry for the rant...I always start off with a small topic and it just seems to pour out. Adoption is great, I owe my life to it!

Jimster, I appreciate what you're saying about the bond between parents and child, and making sure we're doing it for the right reasons. I've always wanted to adopt, since I was a teenager, and long before I knew I was infertile. I've never had great career ambition. My greatest ambition was to love and nurture a child. Even if I only get the opportunity to raise one child, I will consider that child among the greatest blessings in my life, alongside my existing family, and my faith.
Everyone's input and thoughts are very much appreciated. I want to learn as much as I can, good and bad, before taking this huge step.

iamanobuddy, you raise very valid points. I was raised in a dysfunctional family. My mother was an alcoholic after I reached adulthood, suffered from depression, and was the victim of years of sexual abuse and rape at the hands of her father. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. I also had a long term relationship with a woman who was sexually abused, and suffered incidents of my own. While you practice in the field, I lived it. While many if not most addicts or alcoholics are self medicating, I do not accept their complete victimhood. Some of their actions are under their control. When the birth mom of our kids stood up in court and told the judge she didn't want her kids, it wasn't the drugs making the choice. I do plan to use your general theme in discussing their birth mom with our kids, but I think I will leave out the rejection because I think it would be harmful to them. It's nit all genetic, and I completely reject the idea that socioeconomics has anything to do with it. People can be taught
healthy stress reactions. I actually think sexual abuse causes as many addictions as genetics. Removing the children from environments where those events are more likely to occur can go a long way toward preventing problems, even where there is genetic predisposition. I really appreciate you bringing up this topic, there are far too few people who understand that connection, and we certainly have a long way to go to effectively help victims of childhood abuse. My own mother didn't share her abuse with her therapist till she was forty, even though it defined the person she was all of her life. Feel free to drop me a line.

This is an interesting subject and I am learning a lot.


It seems to me that some people WILL and CAN feel victimized at the slightest thing. Maybe they are born victims? Adopted, not adopted, abused, not abused.
Some kids don't like that they have chores.
Some kids have a life of 99% chores and don't say a word about it.

My son's dad was adopted and never cared about his bio parents. He figured the dad was someone he'd just as soon punch in the face, and the mom was probably a sorry little thing with a sob story he didn't have time for. He really loved and felt a loyalty to his adopted parents.
Being adopted had nothing to do with his problems when he was in his early 20's. For the most part, it didn't even seem to be a part of him. Maybe genetically it played a role, tho. I can't be sure as I am not sure what his problem actually was because he'd never go get help. He was spending too much money, running up debts, chasing dreams (and girls), he got fired for stealing from work, and he left our son and I for no good reason.
We remained close, but a year after he left us, he killed himself. I think now that he left us becuase he could feel that he was a time bomb waiting to go off. Also, life with us wasn't easy-- he was blowing money left and right, cheating, and it was making me very depressed-- I am sure I was no fun to be around. That said, I was loving and wanting to work things out until I couldn't take it any more. Looking back, Ithink he may have been bi polar.
No where did being adopted ever come up- not in any journal or discussions with anyone. You'd think it might, but to him, he was who he was, irregardless of parents. I had more of a desire to know his biological family than he did. I wanted to know about our son, and I wanted the bio-mom to be proud of her unknown grandson!
But when I asked him if he'd look for them, he'd sorta hem and haw and eventually, I'd drop the subject. He'd say "It's my deal and I don't need that."
there have been times when "Well he was adopted" has been the excuse for the way he turned out and his eventual death. BUt that is a far too easy scapegoat for me to buy into. Especially knowing that he really didn't even associate himself as adopted or not adopted. He just figured he was the way he was, nothing could have or shojld have, been done about it.
Knowing the pain his parents have gone through, the eventual horror story their adoption became- I still want to adopt. I still think it's a fine thing to do. The love he had for them, and them for him, was different from my parents and me. In a lot of ways, I felt that they had it made.

Woops

woops i think you are generalising and not listenning to the problems that some of us have.Naturally all the other normal problems in life occur for kids. adoption like anyhting else that some kids have to face is just another mountain to climb.

SassyIris-hi and welcome to the board. I am an adotive parent in waiting. We are pursuing an international adoption and i have just submitted all our paperwork.

If you need any questions answered regarding that topic. Feel free to email..

Take care