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Discussion:
half siblings adopted separately
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I have a question for anyone who was adopted separately from siblings or half siblings. My wife and I have adopted three beautiful children from the foster care system. They all have the same mother, and all have different dads. They are 1,2 and 3. Their mother also has four older children who are in the care of her brother until they grow up. Those four have a different dad than any of our three. There was some family pressure for him to adopt the three we have, but he really wasn't in a position to care for her seven plus his own child. While mom has issues and cannot raise her kids, we fully intend to keep track of her, and support our kids when they reach sixteen or seventeen and start demanding to find their birth mom. Any earlier contact would be too confusing, and I think, negatively impact their development. What we haven't figured out, is when to introduce them to their brothers and sisters. Do we just share pictures and keep track till they reach adulthood, or do we actually try to help them develop a relationship with them as kids. I look forward to any feedback. Thanks.
Posted on 10/28/10, 10:57 pm
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Reply #1 - 11/05/10  4:09pm
" if it were me looking back with the best interests of little adoptee me, i would evaluate three main things.

one. is the brother and his immediate family a whole lot more stable than the picture you have painted of bio mother on this board?

two. do you think the brother (and his s.o. if applicable) can allow the siblings some sort of contact WITHOUT involving the bio mother until you and your wife decide to open that door...?

three. do you think you (and your wife) and the brother (and his s.o. if applicable) can work out a type of contact that will work for both families in the long run. in other words...is he the type of person who can (and wants to) sustain the contact you have put in place, AND can/will he re-evaluate the contact issue with you if you think it needs re-evaluating.

in any case, more or less what i am asking (and i'm sure is also what you're asking yourself) is whether this contact will be beneficial to your children.

i think it really could be, under the right circumstances (i.e. stable 'uncle', stable siblings, stable contact that doesn't just drop off the face of the earth without warning, and no contact with the bio mom until you feel it is acceptable).

and. i also think you and your wife are the only ones who can most effectively suss out whether those circumstances are present.

much luck with this.

you continue to amaze me with the sensitivity you show towards your childrens' situation.

xx dave. "
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Reply #2 - 11/05/10  4:45pm
" Hey Beep, nice to hear from you! The brother did the right thing for his extended family by taking in his sister's children, and she doesn't even have access to the group he has, so that's not an issue. There is a vast socioeconomic difference between our families, but I know from my own upbringing that kids don't really care about that. There will also be some language barrier as Spanish is their primary language while ours is English. It's sticky enough that our kids were taken from mom by the state, and they may eventually resent us like it's our fault, and I don't want any added resentment they might feel from being kept from their half siblings. But their lives are so much different that added to the language barrier, they might reject as children relationships they could cherish as adults. There may not be a right answer, and it's really hard to find split siblings that can provide feedback. Frankly, I think my primary reason for pursuing this is to keep any of it from damaging my relationship with my adopted kids. I read so many stories on the boards by kids, or even adults, who complain about never fitting in, or never feeling loved, and all they want to do is find their birth mom and make it all better. While I want my kids to know her, I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let them brainwash themselves that their lives would have been so much better if they had only had mom instead of us. Don't get me wrong, I know they are adding as much or more to my life than I'm adding to theirs, but the fear of the future is still there. "
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Reply #3 - 11/05/10  4:50pm
" BTW, mom is pregnant with number eight, and has already tested positive for cocaine while pregnant. Two of our three were born with drugs in their system, and the third suffers from some attachment issues (being ignored while she partied). We may get a call in a few months asking us to take her eighth, our fourth. LOL "
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Reply #4 - 11/05/10  5:42pm
" like so many adoptive issues, i agree with you that there may be no 'right' answer...but i do trust that you are doing everything to find the best answers in your situation.

i think a lot of adoptees looking to their bio parents to 'fix' things come from different adoptive backgrounds than you personally are providing to your children.

that's just my opinion...but really. i think you are doing a bang up job of taking all parties into consideration on a regular basis...and i can only hope and assume that one day your children will understand this and love and respect you for that, as well as love and respect you just because you are a great dad, adoption aside.

xx, beep. "
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Reply #5 - 11/07/10  2:51pm
" I have found it is so hard to reconnect with siblings that have grown up without you in their lives. This is one of my greatest regrets about being adopted.I feel that had i always known them I would have had a better chance of having a relationship with them. People tell me that they will never be my family because i wasn't brought up with them. Going on results I find this to be sadly true. My youngest sister who was adopted out met them when she was 18 and they have a relationship with her. I cant understand why her and not me as we were both adopted but i think it has something to do with the age we met them. I can't make up for 46 yrs. I didn't know what to get my bio bro for a birthday present ,I just dont know them well enough. So this is my reality of not knowing my siblings,others may not care. "
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Reply #6 - 11/07/10  5:33pm
" I was told from a very young age that I had a sister that was adopted. I wish that I was given the chance to have met her- You know your situation better than any of us.... Good luck... "
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Reply #7 - 11/07/10  5:37pm
" rechelle, at what age do you think it would be appropriate? Our kids are 11/2, 21/2, and 31/2. "

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