Adoption Support Group

this is how it is, try to ride it out, been there, still here, Love bluebird so sorry i feel your pain,

I really think that this has a lot to do with her age also
kids say these things aanyway and it doesnt have to relate to your situation,the age of rebelling
she is verging on puberty and it can start early
she's too young to understand adult problems and one day she will be old enough to listen and understand what your side is
until then all you can do is support her and give her lots of love
I wouldnt enter into any arguements with her
i would just ignore the bad behaviour eg name calling because she is just not coping with her own feelings
and if her bio mum doesnt want contact and you have told her this she could very easily be attacking you becauise she cant attack her bmum
and when i say attack i really mean she needs to release the hurt feelings somehow
perhaps this is the best way to look at it
she is hurting she must be
so she attacks the only mum she can...hope this makes sense
you just have to ride it out and not take it personally and re school you are right not to bring adoption into this
other reprocussions are required that do not invlove adoption
let me know how you get on please

being one of 3 adopted children..i can tell you that we all react differently.
i never talked about the fact i was adopted, but my brother always did..he often said hurtfull things to my adoptive parents..i cannot say that there is a such a thing to calm a child ...it will pass with time..i also believe that this is a natural occurance.
most children who grow up with their bio parnets act out....
knowing you are adopted gives you a different slant on this..just ride it out.
your child is testing your strength.be firm and supportive..as you seem to be..
good luck and god bless you .hugs

I know when I asked questions about my adoption my poor amom had no answers for me. It was a closed adoption. I too got very angrey and took it out on my amom. I was about her age and can understand her anger. What she is doing must hurt you so bad, all I can say is keep talking to her and letting her know you love her.

Wow, I feel for you. I have 2 adopted girls (sisters), ages 9 and 10. We have had them since they were 6 and 7. They still had court ordered vistations for the first 6 months with both bio parents. That was hard on all of us! Our older daughter was the most abused, she was made to be the reason for all the family's problems, she had to care for her younger sister and 2 younger brothers. She "gets it" that she is better off with us in a safe and loving home. Her little sister was the "princess". She has had the most difficulty adjusting to the adoption. She didn't see the abuses or neglect, all she knows is that she loved her mom and dad (who were never married, both on drugs).

Being that I myself was adopted at age 9, I understand that there is no "clean slate" to a new life when you are adopted. You still have memories and feelings about your birth parents. I am as honest as possible with both my girls. I tell them that their bio parents still love them and are sad that they don't get to see them anymore. I tell them that WE did not take them from their bio- parents, the courts had already done that before we were ever in the picture. I tell them that because of the poor choices their bio-parents made, they were not allowed to parent these kids, but that doesn't mean they don't still love them.

Once in a while I need to remind them that their life was not a fairy tale before they were adopted (when they are being punished they suddenly think life was perfect before they came to live with us). They lived in hotel rooms, they lived in their mom's car. Their mom abandoned them to go buy, sell or use drugs. I don't ever say this when I'm angry. But when we have open discussions we talk about the choices they made, and how hurtful drugs are to your life. We tell them that we are the safest place for them, and when they are adults they can be friends with their bio parents again, if that is what they want.

I don't know the details of your situation or your daughter's bio-mom, but kids don't want to be lied to. Be as honest as you can. But also realize when they are being punished, kids will say the most hurtful things- and then apologize the next day.

good luck!

- Wendy

All I can say is just keep being honest. I wouldn't fight her on it if she's pressing the issue of your a lier, etc. because then your giving her ammunition to argue. Stick to what you know and just say that your sorry, you love her, but that is all you know. Kids don't like to be lied to...especially when your dealing with adoption and adopted children. They have that thought of "what if" always there in their mind for some, while others probably don't think about what their life could have been like. She's probably fustrated at the bmom, and not you, but your the only one there and so your an easy target to let her fustrations be known. So...she probably got her hopes us, thinking that her bmom didn't just discard her, but actually does want her, and now she's getting let down. Again, your the easy target to scream at. Plus...think of it from her perspective. You say your contacting her, but the bmom isn't responding. It's easy to see why she'd think you are lying (not that I think you are!). I think it's a mix of the age factor, and a lot of disappointment.

My daughter when she was dealing with her bmom, she took her anger out on me. It was easier for her to do that, because I was the only one there, and the one she really wanted to scream at she couldn't. She was hurt, called me and my husband liers, said that we were mean and bad, but then when she started thinking about what all had happened to her, she apologized and say that she was more upset with her bmom. What shocks me is my daughter was 5 and 6 years old figuring this out, but there was extensive abuse in her short life so in many ways she was much more mature than her age. But regardless of the age, it always hurts when your the one caring and loving for the child, doing everything you can for the child, and they react the way they do.

I think to a degree she can't help it, because I still think alot of it is the disappointment or rejection she feels. It's bad enough when your adopted, because you already have that feeling of rejection there initially, and you hope when you contact them that the rejection is not founded, and then it's disappointment and even more hurt when you are being rejected more and getting the confirmation you feared. So...long story short, it's normal for her to be reacting the way she is. Stick to your story and remain open and consistent, and she's probably feeling a lot of rejection and disappointment. Be there for her, tell her you love her regardless of what she says, because she's probably just acting out her fustrations on you since your the only one there.