What is Adoption
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Adoption results in the severing of the parental responsibilities an...
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What's best for my granddaughter?
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My husband and I adopted our granddaughter because both of her parents are dysfunctional. Her mother (my daughter) is bipolar and has proven to be very neglectful when she had my granddaughter in her care. When visiting in our home, my daughter would lie around watching movies or play on the computer, to the point where my granddaughter would start crying because "mommy won't play with me." This would drive me into a frustrated rage and I would scold my daughter for her lack of focus on her daughter.We have cut off contact until she gets some treatment and/or medications to help her mood swings and her inappropriate behaviors as a mother. It has gotten so bad that my husband and I have cut off all visitation with our daughter until she gets some treatment and/or medications to help her mood swings and her inappropriate behaviors.
The father is an abusive alcoholic who has a history of physically bullying his girlfriends when he's drunk, to the point of the police being called and his being arrested twice in the last two years. He shows interest in my granddaughter very sporadically--typically a 2 hour visit twice a month. He moved away for a few months and now that hes's back, he wants to spend lots of time with grand. I know from past experience that this is temporary and as soon as he hooks up with a new girlfriend, his attention and interest in his daughter will quickly diminish. Both parents live local to us. Both parents want contact with my granddaughter. She is 3 years old, knows both parents as mommy and daddy, but she also has lived with gramma and grampa since birth and we are her caregivers. Both of her parents say they love her but neither has done anything for this child--nothing financially, emotionally or in any other way. My question is to the adoptees in particular: Is it best to keep my granddaughter away from her parents because they cause more damage and confusion when they're around? Or is it better to let her visit with them (supervised) in small doses so she can grow up knowing them and as she matures, understand why she's had so little contact with them? Part of me is scared that if we cut off all contact, she will resent us for withholding her from her parents as she grows up, even though we have valid reasons for doing this. Which is worse: The knowing and being hurt and frustrated throughout her childhood, or the not knowing and growing up with no contact with her parents? Posted on 08/29/09, 09:08 am |
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Hi there, that is a tricky situation you are in and your grand-daughters welfare is obviously a high priority to you. I am an adoptee but from the 'closed adoption' era so I never knew my b-parents. As hard as it is and I do understand that you want to protect her (as any parent/care-giver would) I think she should still have some sort of contact with her parents (or at least her mother) but it should be on YOUR terms and only what you are comfortable with. I think you are right, if she grows up with a small knowledge of her parents it will probably be a bit easier for her to understand why she came to live with you when she is old enough to start asking questions (as opposed to adoptees like me who wondered all my life why my mother didn't keep me). As she gets older she will be able to make the choice for herself as to whether she wants them to be involved in her life. I can see both sides of the dilemma and as a mother myself I know you just want to do what is best for the child involved but as you suggested, as she gets older she may become resentful that she wasn't allowed to have anything to do with them. Always remember though that YOU can control this, you decide what sort of access they have and if it appears to be detrimental to her at any point you know you can always stop and reassess the situation. 
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I do feel it's better for your grand-daughter to have short/controled visitation with her mom. I too grew up not knowing any thing of my parents and the emotions of feeling un-wanted, un-loved...stay with you forever. (Even though I had wonderful aparents and love them tons...)
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Hi there, I have never been in this situation, however as a potential adoptive parent we were told/ lectured extensively on the value of have the birth parents as part of the child's life. Though her parents are not in a position to visit do not cut them out. Talk to your social worker about supervised visits. Make sure that the visits are in an environment where your granddaughter would be feel safe and secure...a place where she could be removed if the visit is not going well. I commend you on adopting your granddaughter.
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It hurts to hear that you are all going through this. i am an adoptee. it can be tricky to cut of contact but if i were your grand daughter and dont take this as if it what and how she would react but i would thank you for protecting me from harm. what i personally would do is if the birth parents want contact tell them what the ground rules are.
1) both cleanup their acts ( anger managment, rehab, meds what not) 2) all visits are supervised until things are deemed safe 3) they have to keep their visits unless its due to work legitamite work 4) if anything goes wrong including them not making a visit or beating someone up or doing drugs or skipping meds then visits will stop i know it will be hard to do anything however i agree with pinklily that your grand-daughter is #1 and i believe in the long run she will thank you for protecting her. keep us posted on how things go. i'll pray for you all including her parents.
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