Adoption Support Group

Hi Squiishy -- we have some group members in the Adoptees United group who were adopted in their teens so they could give you some pretty good opinions on this. You have a lot going on emotionally -- totally understandable to have such a love/hate thing going on! As painful as it is it is good IMHO that you are thinking this stuff through. Better to deal with it than to stuff it down or other ways to deaden the pain!

It must be so hard for you to understand what has happened and why.Is there someone you could talk to that might have some answers for you?maybe they didn;t have a choice? Sometimes there is so much we dont know and when we find out the truth it is even hard to believe then.I have found it hard to talk to others.I have found adoptees united very helpful.I think it is almost impossible for non adopted people to really understand how hard the confusion and the emotions are.
How old were you when you were adopted?
How do you get on with your adopted family?Being an older adoptee surely they would understand that you would still have strong feelings for your birth family.I would hope they would have had councelling before being allowed to foster and adopt a child?Just wondering.
I do understand how you would feel the way you do.Keep talking and sharing and it will help ease the burden a little and you may find it helps to know you are not alone

i can relate i have the same thing happeninh to me and i miss them ilook them up online and cant find them..the hurt me in fisicle ways broke my arm and color bone gave me a hernia and i just dont know wat to do..the gave me up when i was 2 and just lived with my adopted parents..

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much! It is completely understandable, though, how you could love them and hate them at the same time. They are your family, but they have hurt you so much. You are left with so many unanswered questions and you deserve to have those questions answered. I was not adopted, but I did grow up with an absent father. I know how incredibly I hurt because he chose, and continues to choose, his habits over me, his daughter. It is something that I have yet to learn how to completely get over. I'm not sure that I ever will. There is a void inside. I have a step-father who I call dad and who I absolutely adore, but it does not take the place of my real dad not being there. I am sure that you are feeling the same. You are appreciative of the people whoare in your life now; however there is a void, a hole, inside of you. I'm not sure what advice I can give you as I simply haven't figured it out yet. However, I can offer support. If you ever need to talk, need to vent, cry, whatever, message me. I grew up with no one to talk to about the issue with my dad and it made things so much worse. Those emotions were bottled up inside of me for so many years and manifested themselves in very unhealthy ways. Don't hold the emotions in. If I can help in any way, I'm here.

Hi Squiishy! I am not an adoptee, but an adoptive mom. We took custody of my son at age 4 and were foster parents for 2 1/2 years until the adoption was final. In the beginning especially, there was this huge part of me that was actually jealous of the time they had with my son before he was my son (even though it was a REALLY bad situation there.) I doubted myself so much and my own fears I think got in the way of what was best for my son. As time went on, my love for him grew. My confidence grew. And the "unconditional" part of being a mother, that TRUE mother's instinct kicked in big time.

I say this to you for several reasons. Now that my son is 12, I welcome any time he wants to talk to me about his biological family. I have actually been able to obtain photos of 2 of his siblings and have the in frames on our family picture wall with all of his other family. We also go to counseling, every week, for the last 8 years. I would not see my son as "ungrateful" if he wanted contact with his biological family. I don't think it is a good idea for him right now based on the history, but when he is older, I personally will help find them.

So I urge you to discuss your feelings with your adoptive parents/family. I would also recommend counseling, just so you can get your feelings out. Also, you should seek out some kind of group support, either here or through an agency near you. I am currently looking for an adoption support group for my son with other kids around his age.

Unfortunately, in a huge way, you feel betrayed and that is understandable. I tell my son that his bio parents just were not cut out to be parents. they had lousy role models (they were both in and out of the foster care system themselves), they had drug problems, lack of education, lack of motivation, drug and alcohol abuse and depression and a whole slew of other issues. Not my son's fault. Not your fault. Unfortunate, but it just is. I think with support and time and maturity and love and counseling, it will be similar to the 4 steps of grief they talk about (when a loved one dies): grief, denial, anger, acceptance.

If your bio parents had addiction problems, it had/has nothing to do with you. That addiciton overtook all sense of responsibility and common sense. Maybe they just did not have the strength to overcome their problems? Not that they deliberately "chose" their habits over you. In a big way, they may have just been too weak to make that choice and change their lives.

I sure hope this is making you feel better. Please forgive them. Please pray for them to get the help they need to turn their lives around. Look, they lost so much. They lost YOU! If they truly realize what they lost, they will be devastated! If they are so strung out or out of it to realize what they lost, then their lives are worthless. So sad. Don't hate them. Hate what they did, hate their addiction, just don't hate them.

I hope you find peace. I hope you find the ability to forgive (not forget), and that you find a way to take all of this and go forward. Take the negative and turn it into a positive. Be truly happy with yourself and who you are. You are special. All of these words are exactly what I would tell my son who I love with all of my heart!

Take care! Hugs!

Hi Squishy. I am a 47 year old woman who was adopted when I was five years old. I also went thru the anger and hurt... at about the age of 8. My adoptive parents sat me down and explained that my bio-mom did love me...because she knew that she could not deal with the things in her life and keep me safe. I felt like she gave me away because I must have been a bad kid- apiece of trash. My adoptive parents made sure I knew that was not the case. It took alot of time and some wonderful people to help me see that I am special and not some piece of trash that needed to be gotten rid of. I have had a few contacts with my bio-mom. I know that she cares and has thought of me over the years. She told me some of what was going on at the time and she was concerned for my safety. We are far away from each other location and lifestyle wise and no relationship has developed and I am ok with that. As for your family-don't let their issues destroy your happiness. My adoptive family and others have given me the attention and support that has made my life very rich. Please know that you are not alone and in time with the right people and support it can get better. I see others have given advice on where to get some support, which I hope you will do. Just to let you know ...I am happily married (26 yrs). Have two grown adult boys and one grandchild. Life can be very good again. Don't give up.

I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I am not an adoptee but an adoptive mom. I can only say that if you were my daughter and going through the pain you are, that I would really want you to discuss it with me. My daughter said to me the other day, "mom I know you don't want to hear this but I miss my biological mom why won't she write to me" I told her that God chose for me to be her forever mom and that I never want her to be afraid to talk to me about anything, that I will always be here for her. Anyway, I think your adoptive mom might want to know the pain you are going through.