Adoption Support Group

Hi Liz,

How do you and your husband feel about adopting him? Do you feel it would be good for him?

GM

Hi GM,

We want to offer him a stable, loving and safe home...he has that with us now. The biggest reason for considering adoption is so that he allowed to stay and not subject to the parents to deciding they can try, then sending him back, on and on and the courts allowing it. Although it has not happened in 14 months, you never know what the future holds and I don't want him to have to go through that.

I think we provide a good family and home for him. Our children (my step kids) already think of him like a brother, in fact in a school project last year our daughter said she has 2 brothers (counting Bug as her brother not nephew)

We are as ready as anyone can be to commit to raising him for the next 18 years and are able to do so physically, emotionally and financially. When we took custody, we knew it was likely for the rest of his life, so the issue of adoption is more to figure out what would make him feel more secure and better about himself when he is older. For us, it's only a piece of paper, we are already committed to raising him.

So my question of 'should I' is more a matter of what may be best for him emotionally in the long run.
Will it seem to him, if we do not adopt him, that he isn't a part of our family...as if no one really wanted him?

Whether we adopt changes almost nothing, except offering absolute stability as far as eliminating his parent's ability to change his life as they decide they want to try to be parents weeks, months or years from now and mess with this beautiful little boys head.

My daughter, his mother, is willing to sign adoption papers; his father still keeps talking as if he wants Bug back but then does nothing to move toward that; no contacting court, no getting a better job to support him, no support system but us in place, no regular visits for his son to get to know him and he his son.

I'm afraid to remain constantly at the father's whim and causing hurt and confusion for Bug.

Liz

PS. Fighting a weather related headache, so if I didn't answer please ask more if you wish.

I guess what I'm really asking is, from anyone going or having gone through this on either side, what are some of the ways adopting or not adopting might effect/affect him emotionally in the long run?

I think that adopting him would show him that he is loved and that he does have someone he can turn to.
However this is just my opinion.

Thank you GM, I appreciate that you took the time to answer. I just wanted to hear from others that have been through adoption, one way or the other and what they think.

Thanks again,
Liz

We were foster parents of my son for 2 1/2 years before the adoption was final. One of my huge concerns back then was making sure my son was taken care of if anything happened to my husband and I. With adoption you would make sure he was taken care of, same as your other kids. My son had huge issues in the beginning due to the instability (moving from one foster home to another and back and forth with bio parents). The day the adoption was final for us, was truly the beginning of his healing process! So while I am not an adoptee, my opinion would be that there would be more positives than negatives.

Good luck & take care!

ADOPT.
definitely.
you will give the child support.
and believe me
being adopted in itself is enough of a challenge
but when the child is 18 and no one has adopted him, he/she is more prone to crime, substance abuse, etc.

please follow my advice.

My opinion go for it if you feel its right for you and right for him. The father sounds like hes all talk and no walk. if he tries to get the boy back after you've started the adoption proceedings keep not of all visits phone calls letters that type of thing and it will work against him for not visiting his son. just do whats in your heart and if you feel its right go for it.

Can you ensure that its an OPEN adoption?!They may in the future ask for him back when they get on their feet!!

We are still debating what to do, my husband is looking more at the financial and responsibility side of things, thinks we should not adopt; however, in the next breath, he says it would tear his heart out to loose Bug after just a year and cannot imagine what it would be like in 3, 5 7 years.

Me, I'm trying to figure out what would be emotionally best for Bug and our family.

Bug has and will continue to have, no matter what we decide to do, contact and visitation from all of his family.

The idea of adoption comes from a place of being able to offer Bug security, stability and continuity, physically and emotionally.

We are coming up on a year of having legal and physical custody. Bug's father continues to show little interest in him. The last time dad visited was for Bug's first birthday party in mid April.

The reason adoption even became part of the discussion is that my husband and I are looking to move. We are in Va now and looking to move closer to our family for the kids, which is between Ohio (his family) and Pa (mine).

When we told dad in April we were looking to move, he said, "You know I wanted to get Bug back eventually."

How long does it take a 34 year old man to 'get his life together' when he already has a decent job, a house, and a car.

The adoption would be as open as things are now, either parent can at any time they wish visit Bug. I have no intention of changing that.

To me, the financial has nothing to do with it, we have been financially supporting him for the last year, he is on my husband's insurance, to me, I'm worried about the emotional for Bug, I just don't know what is best and was hoping for some opinions from others that either have or are going through the adoption process.

Thanks for your time,
Liz