Adoption Support Group

Hi there, yes I have been/am currently going through the same thing. i found both my b-parents about 18 months ago (they are not together, just happened to find them both around the same time) Like you,Ii also live in a different country to both of them. I struggle alot, particularly with my b-father, never know what to say to him, feel that he isn't really that interested in my life anyway or that of my children (his grand-children) and often feel like he stays in contact out of obligation rather than because he wants to. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I met my biological parents who are still together at the age of 15. At first it was that honeynoon phase, were I at the age of 15 also wanting to please them so that they would like me. My biological mother has severe OCD, and wanted to tell me what to wear, how to do my hair, I'd been doing that for myself since the age of four.

Well, when I came back to reality, I had nothing in common with either of my bio-parents, nor my siblings, although deep down I love them very much. My biological mother and I have had many battles, but recently after my OCD got really bad, I finally felt sorry for her, sorry for my siblings because of her need for control to feel safe, I myself need that too, that is why I refuse to have children as I could never do what she does to her children, my siblings.

It hurts that my siblings have been brainwashed and hate me, they are all younger than me, but although it is hard, I realize I am loved, not by my biological mother, but by so many others in my life who I would not have otherwise.

i have not met my parents but am still searching. fortunatlly my parents live in utah and so do i they just live like five hours the other way. i have two older siblings and a younger sister from my mother and i would love to see her but yes its a hard thing to deal with and it will be until you figure out the road in front of you.

well my dad lives in nz and me in the uk, I went to nz to meet him stayed there for 4 weeks, I felt alone and well lost, its been 15 years since I found out where he is ect, After all this time I still find it hard to talk to him as he has barriers up.. I think that maybe He just dosnt know what to say or act, but I keep my distance and try oh how I try

Hi Weirdone -- I can picture two men, sitting with a lot of emotion that they can't express to each other. It's a very heavy scenario and I'm wondering if you and your b-father are wired similarly, emotionally? If you haven't tried already, how about writing him a letter -- don't have to send it unless you want to. This is mostly for you, giving yourself permission to just get it all down on paper, no matter the length. It just might be that he, too, would like to express his feelings, but feels awkward. Keep writing here or on the Adoptees United group since there are a lot of wise people there who might be able to give some insight. You have a tender heart and kind soul -- I always enjoy reading your entries. Peace to you!

You might have been prepairing for meeting him for a long time. It might be a suprise to him. What pressures or other things is he getting from others? Did everything go just like you dreamed? We search and then we have to accept what we find. No matter what. Is he close to others? That could be how he is.

Chances are he has the same issues. You might no you are a bit of a stranger to him. Plus us guys are terrible expressing true inner feelings.

You are not alone. Give it time. I found birth family and guess what? Now that the newness of a lost brother has worn off, I am just like the rest of them, only talk once or twice a year.

It is OK. Enjoy your time together. You have met him. Hold on to that. Think about those who are searching and never find. You are now a help and inspiration to them....and all of us.

Paul

I think it is a sad part of adoption that it is an effort sometimes and a journey to try to connect with our family whom we should have known all our lives.
At least i feel it would be so much easier for me to grow up with my siblings,i feel quite a loss about this.

I am still shy with my brother and dont know what to say ,i do like him very much.I can talk to my sister but i feel sometimes i am far too quiet.
Now my biological mum is never lost for words she always has something to say and interesting which is lucky for me as i am a bit quiet.I am similar to her in lots of ways which is nice.
So what i am trying to say is that i dont think it is ever easy to try and have relationships and our expectations of ouselves and others can be vastly diferent

hi. i was adopted when i was 4 wks old. i found my bio parents about 3 years ago. im 44 now. i found out at that time that my bio parents got married 3 years after my birth and i have 3 100% blood brothers. we all live in the same city and my parents can even bother to call me to just get together for a coffee. my brothers didnt know about me until 3 years ago, so i have not a lot of contact with them either. it seems like i am the one that has to work on getting toghether.
i have come to the conclusion that i will probably only get together with my bros. 2, 3 times a year for golf of poker or watch hockey. thats it.
it really sucks ass. i feel rejected all over again. but now im kind of rejected from an entire blood family.
i really dont have any advice, but like rah11, your not the only one that has a difficulty with bio famiy.
i wish you all the best. im trying really hard to deal with it myself. but im not doing very well at it. hope do better then me.

Wow, exactly the same. I found by birh father five years ago, we met once, and now keep in touch by email. I too feel I am holding back, not quite able to be myself and I don't know why. With him for some reason I feel "stiff" which is not how I am! I think in my case part of the reason is that he and I relate very differently. I relate on a personal level, he relates more generically. It is very difficult and I wonder at times if it is worth it to keep the relationship up. Naively, I guess i thought that the biological connection itself would bring a connection.

I think my family (bio) don't get what it means to be adopted.
It would be nice to be welcomed to the family but instead we can be seen as a threat

we can be seen as a person who no-one told them about therefore they were lied to by their parents

we can be envied or resented for not having been brought up in the family if there were problems

the problem is I have needs,I am sick of feeling rejected again and again by family members
I just want to give up but i want them to know how much they hurt me and how rejected i feel but it would be so childish to express this to them i would probably end any hope of communication anyway