Abstinence & Celibacy Support Group

I was in a relationship like that once

Yes, I am 50 y.o., in a committed live-in relationship of 3 years, complicated by e.d. Although my desires have lessened in recent years following menopause, I am still more interested in intimacy than my partner. He has tried prescription and over-the-counter remedies, which help somewhat, but not entirely. I am a widow, who enjoyed an active intimate life early in my marriage, although my husband succumbed to a chronic illness a number of years ago. I'm not certain if I can suppress this side of myself and commit to marriage with my partner, although in many ways he is a wonderful person. I've joined this site, in hopes of finding meaningful conversation in this regard. I love my partner, but am feeling increasing frustration our lack of intimacy, including cuddling and kissing.

Oh I'm so glad you responded to my post. At least now we each know someone else in a similar situation. I would love to get a dialogue going with you--perhaps thru email? I don't know much about your situation, but I was wondering if you have difficulty discussing it with each other?

Yes, in fact, it is very difficult discussing the situation. Unfortunately, my resentment is growing, since my partner failed to raise the issue during his last physician's appointment recently. He has only slightly elevated blood pressure and was supposed to ask his internist if the trial prescription to Cyalis could be renewed. When he returned home, I asked about the appointment in general and what he had discussed with the doctor. He hadn't even bothered to ask about e.d. and the possibility of renewing the trial prescription. I felt wounded that our personal intimacy meant so little to him that he neglected to even inquire further. This isn't something I want to discuss with close friends and as of right now I'm uncertain that I want to enter therapy for this reason, although I haven't ruled out the possibility. I know relationships are based on more than sex, but I would welcome intimate affection, i.e. cudding and kissing at the very least. I'm just trying to be stoic right now.

My husband doesn't have health insurance and he seems to feel guilty for going to the doctor for anything because I'm paying all the bills. He says this anytime the we have discussed him seeing a specialist for the ED. We have been married only 4 yrs and it's been close to 2 yrs since we have tried to have any physical intimacy. I don't really want a divorce over this but I'm afraid that this problem may lead to it. I really love him a lot and I really struggle with this at times.

This is just one of many stressors we have right now. He just spent the last 2 years working himself to the bone, building our house. Now he is looking for work (at 60) and with his age and this economy it isn't promising. It has been a blessing because we got custody of my granddaughter last yr and we are raising her as our own. If it wasn't for his help, we'd be paying out a fortune in daycare. He is great with her and great around the house--I don't resent him not working and my paying the bills. I want him to take care of his health. I just can't seem to convince him to spend the money on doctors. We can afford it, but he just doesn't feel right about creating more bills--and I can't convince him otherwise.

I wish I could think of some way to explain it so he would actually get the testing or whatever to see if there is something that can be done about it. Any suggestions?

First of all, big hugs!

This past weekend, I twisted my right foot slightly while doing yardwork. By yesterday morning, I couldn't walk and my partner stayed home from work to drive me to the doctor. While there, he made a follow-up appointment for October with our internist. Driving home, he turned to me and said, "This time I'll discuss our issue with the doctor and see if he can prescribe that trial medication again to help us with our problem." That was pretty significant, because he didn't even broach the topic during his last appointment (as I mentioned in my prior post). I don't know what the outcome will be, but I'm glad that I was honest and told him how hurt I was when he came home from his last check-up without having even broached the subject with our doctor. (Unfortunately, sometimes my frustration piles up and I'm not too ginger with my comments.)

Many years ago I dated a man who was impotent, yet we were still able to be intimate and the lack of sexual intercourse was less of a concern actually than it is in my current relationship. Although my live-in partner is not impotent, he often shies away from expressions of physical sexuality and intimacy. He will hug and give me a peck on the cheek as he passes through a room, yet passionate kissing and fondling seems to bother him.

It's been 3+ years and I still don't have any answers in how to deal with this situation. I love him and he is far more loving that my husband ever was. We enjoy sightseeing together, dinners out, he brings me flowers for no special reason and is the ultimate Santa with thoughtful gifts throughout the year. All this, yet I still miss sex and want to have that connection with him.

I'm not certain if I can be of any help to anyone in the forum, other than emotional support. Our individual situations are similar in the generalities, yet different in the specifics, the subtleties. I suppose what I CAN share is that ideally it's important to be gentle with each other, yet to express truth kindly.

MKath, if you can afford the doctor expenses, his follow-through with an appointment will honor both of you. You can't make him go, but at least you will have spoken your truth and not kept it bottled inside.

It occurs to me, that the lesson might not be so much about the destination, as the process and how we deal with it. It's so easy to get lost in the frustration though. I know this post is not really helpful, but I hope I convey support. I'll let you know what happens moving forward and keep coming back.

JEC1958 we had a great breakthrough this week, hubby had to get a new doc and have a check up so he could refill his meds. He discussed his problem with new doc and he gave samples of a new med to try--supposed to have less side effects than the others we've tried. I am very hopeful!

Thank you for your encouragement and insight. I particularly like your closing statement:

It occurs to me, that the lesson might not be so much about the destination, as the process and how we deal with it.

I'm sure that is so very true! Thanks for listening!

PS. We have a vacation planned next month. Maybe some relaxation and time away from the stress will help!

MKath: So glad to hear that your hubby did go to the doctor and received new trial meds! Caring for a home, a child, working full-time, looking for work, being "in relationship" with spouses/partners, family, friends,coworkers... it's ALL challenging work! From everything you've shared here, you both totally deserve a relaxing and restful vacation! Hooray on both counts! :)

Hi, MKath! Just wanted to check in and say hi. I'm preparing to go away with my best friend for a week to the ocean. To cold to swim, but nice time to relax and have quiet! Hope ya'll get to go on vacation!