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Advice:
coping with celibacy
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I have been married for 8 years. My husband told me a year ago he is no longer interested in a sexual relationship. I have a healthy sex drive and convinced him to give in a few times but I find it more and more upsetting that he must no longer love me or find me attractive.

I don't want to meet anyone else because of the children but I want my sex drive to go away as I get frustrated and have to use a vibrator from a sex shop. This upsets me further as it reminds me of how unattractive I now feel

How do other people cope physically with no longer having sex? Does your sex drive disappear after a while and do you miss that intimacy with another person?

Thanks

June
Posted on 09/18/08, 10:30 am
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 09/23/08  9:30am
" June4,

Please seriously consider your husband may be a closeted gay man. There are a lot of them out there.

Here are some signs:

1. Lack of sexual desire.
2. On the computer quite a bit.
3. New Male Friends
4. Frequent outings with male friends
5. Unwilling to give you any tenderness and almost repulsed to touch you.

Install spyware into you computer and you will find out why your hubby is not interested.

It is not normal for a normal and loving marriage not to have sexual intimacy and neither is it healthy.

I did without sex for many years only to discover that my ex is in the deep down closet. "
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Reply #2 - 09/25/08  12:18pm
" Hi, i am sorry that you husband feels this way, i imagine that everyone goes through stages of not wanting to be intimate. He may have issues or he is just not interested in sex. It is not up to your husband to satisfy your sexual desires, even if that is what we want to believe. Satisfying yourself is one way of coping and certainly not a reflection on you. There are some foods that increse sexual arousal and you could maybe remove them from your diet. Does your husband cuddle you? For me i really miss just being hugged or lying in a mans arms but i have got used to it, i still cry about being lonely though. Maybe find other physical outlets for your energy. "
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Reply #3 - 09/25/08  6:56pm
" I'm sorry, and I've tried to politely ignore BehaveWell, but I want to counteract her now. Just because her husband was gay, doesn't mean that every husband that doesn't want sex doesn't like girls. I doubt that there will be a very frequent sexual relationship between my wife and I whenever I get married. Doesn't mean I'm gay.

Ok, now on to your particular question. It's not uncommon for people, guys and girls, to simply get tired of having sex. I'm sure you're still attractive, and you shouldn't think otherwise. I can't answer your main questions because, 17, I've not had time to really deal with those specific problems. My dad says though, that eventually, he eventually just stopped needing it when my stepmom stopped offering. "
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Reply #4 - 09/25/08  7:03pm
" BehaveWell:i may be gay,and i am abstinant. but that dosent mean im gonna cheat on somone via interent...the thought of installing spyware is not good just says "i dont trust you" and your husband may have been gay but thats not the case in most people, some people feel that it is best to have a loving relationship where someone is emotionally attacthed instead of sexuality. as the physical can often become the way people show affectin some people thin its best to show affection in anouther way by taking that away.

June4: sorry for that and for your question...you must always remember that you are beutiful. and you cant rely on others to make you feel beutiful...and theres nothing wrong with vibrators hehe...(besides they can be put away hehe) just remember to be attarctive and he probably loves you, just some people have no seual apitite. hope i helped a little. x "
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Reply #5 - 10/12/10  10:50pm
" Hi, I would like to extend my hand to you for sharing something so personal in your life. I am with someone and I know how you feel. As a man, we experience similar situations as a woman. My partner does not have any control over her hormones. It is very difficult for me, a man, to refrain from any form of intimacy. She does try her best to show affection for me the best she can but, like you, I will not go outside of our relationship to satisfy this want and need for intimacy.
The best way I cope with this is to continue to shower her with all the love this heart of mine has left. I pray one day, she will be able to reciprocate the same to me. It has placed a tremendous strain on our relationship because I too, went through a period thinking something was wrong with me. Maybe he has a medical condition that neither of you are aware of. High blood pressure or some other ailment that hinders the sex drive could be responsible. I still have to relieve myself from time to time but she is aware and we are dealing with this together.
You can also seek counseling to talk about things that may be bothering your husband. As long as you remain positive about the situation, I know everything will be alright for you and everyone else who has to deal with this at some point in their life. As a man, I visualize more which makes things worse for me however; I continue to express myself to her any way I can, touching, brushing her hair, softly kissing her softly, massaging her feet and back, and anything else I can do that satisfy my craving for her. I hope this helps a little, remember to stay focused on you being happy first and all else will follow in time. "

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