ADHD / ADD Support Group

Hia

Yes, I can relate somewhat to what you are saying.

I tried anti depressants for years and therapy for years and years and years. I always knew there was something wrong but could never figure it out. When I finally learned more about ADD I approached my doctor and asked to see a psychiatrist. He didn't actually test me for ADD because I don't have many people in my life who could weigh in on what I'm like or have been like. So he let me just try the medication. We started with an anti anxiety drug, which although it helped me dramatically, I still had trouble focusing and was tired all the time. After a while I started on Concerta, and boy what a difference. I had been wondering what was wrong with me for so long that when I was finally given a diagnosis it was a tremendous relief and I felt elated that I could finally start putting my life in order.
Then I started learning about how ADD has affected my life. I don't know if I was in denial or just never recognized it somehow, but I had to face the fact that there was a reason I had lost job after job after job. I realized I have to fight ten times as hard as somebody with "normal" chemistry just to focus on doing my job, which always left me feeling exhausted, which always led to failure and social isolation at work. I realized that this was never going to fix itself. I felt like a freak. I didn't want it and I hit a major depression when my husband fell apart after I lost yet another job.
After a while I started looking at it differently. I'm an artist and so I've gone back to school for Graphic Design, and although it is difficult and hard to accept that I take longer to learn things than many others, I really enjoy it. I also know that once I learn a thing I do really well if I enjoy it. I'm going to rock as a graphic designer! I also found a clinic at the local university that specializes in helping people with ADD. I found out that there are things I can learn to help me function better. Really the biggest difference has come from my own opinion of myself. Yes I have ADD. It slows me down in some respects and it has caused upheavals, but now I know what it is and I'm dealing with it. I also thing that having ADD makes me more compassionate with other people, and it makes me more interesting. I can come up with zany one liners out of the blue that crack everybody up. My husband loves me dearly because I'm so silly and fun and I make him happy. If I trust myself enough to let my personality show through, people always respond well.
So who cares that I have ADD. The shame is not that I have ADD. The shame would be to go on with my head buried in the sand and let my life carry on like a train wreck.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I know it's hard to take criticism. I think that's an ADD thing that also causes problems for us. But if the people around you are noticing huge differences, I would take note. Sometimes it is really difficult to recognize when you are behaving this way or that because you're so busy experiencing it that you don't realize that you're different than you used to be. One thing I read which I thought was fantastic advice was keep a journal throughout the first year when you start medication. Do a lot of soul searching and write about what you're seeing, feeling, experiencing, and every so often look back at it. I bet you'll notice "ooooh yeaaaah.... I DID used to think that way..." or feel that way or do whatever it was.
It's really easy to go on a drug, make all kinds of progress without really noticing the full impact it has had on your life, and then decide "what am I doing on this drug? I don't need this, I don't want this, I'm not taking it". Because your brain goes through major chemical changes you don't even notice that you're slipping back into depression until you're in the pit again, or whatever you personally experience. That's why it's so valuable when other people offer their insights.
Anyway. I hope I haven't been preachy or pushy. When I say "you" I really mean me, that's how it is for me. I know I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't taken full responsibility for my health and insisted on seeing a psychiatrist. I also know I wouldn't be where I am without the help of some very important people who I can so much more fully appreciate and respect than I could before. I also had to push my psychiatrist who was all to happy to just go with my instincts. I always make him work for his dollar by asking him lots of questions and asking him what he thinks about where I'm at or what I've experienced. It's an important balance of my will and his will to find the best balance for me.
So I'm off to bed now. I hope I've helped somewhat. I really wish you all the best and I'm rooting for you! People with ADD have a special place in my heart! We're unique and we're fabulous : D
Good night.